I never really thought much about adding narration to my blog posts until a friend told me he was not much of a reader. It made me realize that reading is not easy or enjoyable for everyone. Some people struggle with focus. Others might deal with dyslexia, low literacy, limited education, or just not enough time in their day. For me, it has always been the lack of comprehension. I read words well, but understanding and retaining what I have read has been a lifelong challenge. It really had me thinking seriously about accessibility. That is why I decided to add narration to each of my blog posts. Unfortunately, I am not able to add audio on some of the main pages. I signed up for a plan that allows up to 50 narrations per month, with each one covering up to 5,000 words. Posts that are longer will use more than one slot. If I have to regenerate the audio for any reason, it uses additional slots. I have about 250 completed posts already, and I add between 5 and 20 new ones each month. With only 50 uses per month, it will take over six months before every post includes audio. One thing I like about BeyondWords is the variety of voices available. This is especially helpful for my language posts, since I cover languages from all around the world. I can choose region based voices that add a small touch to the content. I am genuinely excited to bring this feature into my blog. Here is a general review of BeyondWords from Aeris. Overview BeyondWords is a text-to-speech platform that allows users to convert written content into audio using AI-generated voices. It is designed for publishers, bloggers, marketers, educators, and anyone who wants to offer audio versions of their content without recording their own voice. The platform offers a web-based interface, a plugin for WordPress, and an API for developers. User Interface and Setup The interface is clean and simple. You can either paste your text directly or upload it from an integrated platform like Wix, WordPress, or Blogger. Setup takes only a few minutes. Once your account is created, it is easy to add and manage projects. The layout does not feel overwhelming, and most of the features are where you would expect them. Voice Quality and Options BeyondWords offers a wide selection of synthetic voices. These are categorized by language, region, and gender. Some voices are more natural than others. Certain voices have expressive features like pauses, pitch changes, and emphasis. These allow for more control over tone and pacing. Voice quality varies depending on the voice chosen. Some voices sound robotic. Others are much closer to human narration. The most realistic voices are labeled "premium." These are only available on paid plans. It is worth testing several options before committing to one. Customization and Control You can adjust pitch, speed, emphasis, and add pauses. These are controlled through tags placed in the text. This gives the user flexibility, but the tagging system can feel technical. If you are unfamiliar with markup-style inputs, this may slow down your workflow at first. You can assign different voices to different parts of the same article, which is useful for interviews or fictional dialogue. Integration and Embedding The WordPress plugin works reliably. Once installed, it adds a player to each post. Or you can embed a code into the blog post. Readers can click and listen instantly. The player is minimal and does not clutter the layout. Audio files are hosted by BeyondWords, so they do not slow down your site. The platform also provides an API for developers, which allows more technical users to integrate audio dynamically. This is helpful for large-scale publishers or apps. Analytics and Monetization You can track how many people play the audio, how long they listen, and where they drop off. This is useful for evaluating engagement. You can also add pre-roll or mid-roll audio ads, though this feature is aimed more at enterprise users. For small publishers, monetization options are limited. Accessibility and Listening Experience The audio player is accessible. It works across devices, including mobile and screen readers. You can customize how it looks to match your website. The listening experience is smooth. Playback is fast. There is little buffering. You can adjust volume, speed, and skip ahead or rewind. Pricing BeyondWords offers a free tier with limited features and voice choices. Paid plans are based on character count and access to premium voices. The pricing model is fair, but it can get expensive if you publish frequently or use long texts. For occasional use or smaller blogs, the free plan may be enough, but it is only 5 narrations per month. For professional use, especially with branding needs or high-volume publishing, the premium plans are necessary. Strengths High-quality AI voices Wide selection of languages and accents Smooth integration with WordPress Useful analytics dashboard Good accessibility across devices Limitations Premium voices locked behind paid plans Some voices still sound synthetic Tag-based editing has a learning curve Monetization is limited for small users Final Thoughts BeyondWords is a strong platform for anyone looking to turn written content into professional-sounding audio. It works well for blogs, articles, and educational content. While the free version is very limited, the core functionality is reliable. The free version also gives you the opportunity to try before you buy. The ability to add natural pacing and change voices adds depth that many competitors do not offer. It is not perfect. But it is one of the more mature and polished text-to-speech solutions available today. Conclusion I am glad to offer this audio option for people who prefer to listen. I hope that for some people, listening will be easier than reading, and that this small change will help them connect with what I write in a way that works better for them. I hope it makes my blog more accessible to everyone. Proverbs 31:8 "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute."

Introduction Many adults continue to seek external validation long after childhood because praise and approval from others can feel reassuring. They wait for compliments, likes, or praise to feel that their effort matters. Approval and validation from others gives a sense of security, belonging, and accomplishment. However, true peace comes from learning to validate yourself and finding reward in simply doing the task. The Problem With External Validation When you rely on others for validation, you put your sense of worth in their hands. If they approve, you feel good. If they stay silent, you start to doubt yourself. This creates an unstable emotional cycle. People may not always notice your work, even when you give your best. Some people may even criticize for reasons that have nothing to do with you. When your confidence depends on their reactions, you remain vulnerable. If you rely too much on others for validation, your sense of worth becomes fragile. You constantly need someone else to reassure you, which is often disappointing. Self-Validation Self-validation means being able to say you did your best even if no one else says it. You recognize your own progress, your own effort, and your own growth. You trust your ability to evaluate your work honestly. You stop chasing constant reassurance because you have already given it to yourself. This creates stability because you are not waiting for someone else to hand you approval. Self-validation builds confidence and independence. The Power of Intrinsic Rewards Intrinsic rewards are the satisfaction you feel from the work itself. Maybe you learned a new skill, finished a difficult task, or simply enjoyed the process. These rewards are not dependent on others. They build real confidence because you know why the work matters to you. You do not need applause to feel accomplished. For example, I might write a blog post and feel good simply because I know I expressed my thoughts clearly. I do not need hundreds of likes to know I did something worthwhile. The benefit of intrinsic rewards is that they build resilience. You can stay motivated even when others do not notice. You continue to grow because you care about the process, not just the outcome. This also reduces the emotional rollercoaster of depending on outside opinions, which often change or are unreliable. Shifting Your Focus When you practice self-validation and value intrinsic rewards, several things happen: You feel more stable emotionally. You stay motivated longer. You grow from your own goals, not from chasing approval. You become less affected by criticism or silence from others. Final Thoughts You cannot control how much others notice or praise your efforts. You can control how you see yourself. Validation from others is temporary. Validation from within is lasting. The reward is in the doing, not in the applause. Galatians 6:4 "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else."

If you’d like to help by sharing this link with your friends, family, or on social media, here are some sample messages you can use to help spread the word. Change or remove "my friend" to whatever fits your relationship best! Below are some examples! Please help my friend Linda, who is going through an incredibly tough time. Every donation or share makes a difference! http://savedthoughts.com My friend Linda is facing overwhelming challenges, and she needs our support. Let’s rally around her and make a difference together. http://savedthoughts.com My friend Linda’s been through so much, and right now she needs all the help she can get. If you can donate or share her story, it would mean the world! http://savedthoughts.com My friend Linda is such a strong person, but she needs help right now. Even if you can't donate, please consider sharing her story! http://savedthoughts.com Sometimes the best way to help is by sharing. my friend Linda could really use your support, whether through a donation or simply spreading the word! http://savedthoughts.com My friend Linda has been through more than anyone should have to, and she needs help to get back on her feet. Every little bit counts! http://savedthoughts.com I’m sharing my friend Linda’s story because she’s in need of some serious help. If you can donate or share, it could really lift a burden. http://savedthoughts.com Supporting my friend Linda right now could make a huge difference in her life. Please donate if you can, or simply share this link to help spread the word! http://savedthoughts.com Hebrews 13:16 "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."

c onsidering where thoughts belong a ttempting to make sense of ideas t hinking through connections and meaning e very post holds a piece of life g athering moments into sections o verlapping themes blur the lines r ealizing decisions are not always final i nsight grows as words are shared e very story finds its place s haring thoughts invites reflection There are ten different categories on this blog, and sometimes deciding where a post belongs can be tricky. I have been trying to make quicker decisions to avoid overthinking, but it can still feel a bit overwhelming. Some posts fit more than one category, so I mark them for each. If all else fails, I add it to the one-offs category! Pinned Posts – Highlighted for importance or quick reference. Self Reflection – Insights and thoughts on personal experiences. Spiritual Insight - Wisdom and inspiration from faith-based reflections. Mental Clarity – Posts that focus on mental health and mental illness. Polyglot Path – Information, stories and tips for language learners. Life Unscripted – Real stories and experiences from everyday moments. Personal Growth – Perspectives on self-improvement and change. Creative Expression – Creative writing with heart and depth. One Offs – Unique posts without a recurring theme. Food for Thought – Thoughts, stories, and recipes about food. This post is a clear sign I have been overthinking the issue with categories. some posts are marked for quick reference, meant to be seen first others are reflections, delving deep into personal experiences wisdom surfaces in moments of faith, offering insight and direction thoughts may be tangled, seeking clarity from the noise language grows as stories unfold, each word learning from another real life happens in the quiet moments, shared without a script change is constant, as we strive to grow and transform creativity speaks from the heart, unguarded and raw there are posts that stand alone, unique in their own right even food carries meaning, bringing stories and comfort to the table each category is a lens, but no single one defines us sometimes they overlap, at other times they stay separate still, they all hold value, offering pieces of a larger story If you ever feel that a post is clearly in the wrong category, feel free to leave a comment or use the Get in Touch page. Your feedback is always welcome! Thank You!

In a world where mental health struggles often go unheard, it is crucial to break the silence surrounding suicide and offer support to those in need. To address this pressing issue, we have curated a comprehensive suicide prevention resource page aimed at providing assistance and guidance to individuals facing mental health challenges. Understanding Suicide Prevention Suicide is a complex and sensitive topic that requires open conversations and proactive measures to prevent tragic outcomes. By shedding light on the importance of mental health awareness and creating a supportive environment, we can make a positive impact in saving lives. Let's explore some key resources and strategies for suicide prevention: 1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a valuable resource that provides free and confidential support to individuals in crisis. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255), you can connect with trained counselors who can offer immediate assistance and guidance. 2. Crisis Text Line For those who prefer texting over calling, the Crisis Text Line offers 24/7 crisis support through a simple text message. By texting "HELLO" to 741741, you can chat with a trained crisis counselor who can offer support and resources. 3. International Hotlines International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)     - Website: [ iasp.info ]   - Directory of crisis centers worldwide. Befrienders Worldwide - Website: [ befrienders.org ] - Global network of emotional support helplines. Samaritans - Website: [ samaritans.org ] - 24/7 support available in the UK and Ireland. Lifeline - Website: [ lifeline.org.au ] - Crisis support in Australia. Crisis Text Line International Affiliates - Website: [ crisistextline.org ] - Free 24/7 support via text in multiple countries. Suicide.org - Website: [ suicide.org ] - International suicide hotlines by country. The Trevor Project - Website: [ thetrevorproject.org ] - Crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ youth in the US. HopeLine (UK) - Website: [ papyrus-uk.org ] - Support for young people at risk of suicide.. Mental Health Europe - Website: [ mhe-sme.org ] - Network of mental health organizations in Europe. --------------------------------------------------------------- Specific Country Resources --------------------------------------------------------------- - Canada Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 - New Zealand : Lifeline NZ: 0800 543 354 - Australia : Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 - United Kingdom : National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 0800 689 5652 - India : Vandrevala Foundation Helpline: 1860 266 2345 --------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Online Therapy Platforms In an increasingly digital world, online therapy platforms have become a convenient and accessible option for seeking mental health support. Services like BetterHelp and Talkspace offer online therapy sessions with licensed professionals, allowing individuals to receive help from the comfort of their own homes. A Call to Action It's essential to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out for support. Together, we can break the stigma surrounding mental health and create a community that prioritizes well-being and support for all. Remember, you are not alone, and help is always available. Your story matters, and your life is valuable. Let's join hands in breaking the silence and advocating for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. If you ever feel overwhelmed or in crisis, please reach out to one of the resources mentioned above or seek help from a trusted individual. Your well-being matters, and there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Let's break the silence together. The importance of mental health awareness cannot be overstated, and by providing access to vital resources and support systems, we can make a significant difference in combating the stigma surrounding suicide. Remember, reaching out for help is a courageous step towards healing and recovery. Let's continue to prioritize mental health and well-being for ourselves and those around us.

The concept of "love languages" was coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, a Baptist preacher. marriage counselor and author. He introduced the idea in his 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts". Chapman proposed that people experience and express love in five distinct ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each love language actually has two sides: how someone prefers to receive love and how they naturally show love. These are not always the same for a person. Sometimes conflict happens when two people are giving love in their own preferred language, but not in a way the other person receives it best. That is where the idea of “learning someone’s love language” becomes really useful. Words of Affirmation This love language centers around the power of verbal expression. People who value words of affirmation often feel most loved when they hear thoughtful, encouraging, or appreciative words. It is not just about saying "I love you"—it includes compliments, expressing gratitude, and acknowledging someone's efforts or character. Even a simple "I am proud of you" or "You did great" can deeply resonate. For them, language has emotional weight, and silence or harsh words can be especially hurtful. Receive : You feel uplifted when someone says kind or encouraging things. Compliments, thoughtful texts, or being told “I am proud of you” go a long way. You may replay encouraging things people have said to you in your head. Give : You often write notes, give compliments, or express appreciation out loud. You tend to encourage people verbally when they are going through something. You say “I love you” or “you have got this” more than most. Acts of Service For people who connect through acts of service, actions truly speak louder than words. They feel loved when others take the time to help them, ease their burdens, or anticipate their needs. Whether it is making a meal, running errands, or helping with a task without being asked, these gestures are seen as expressions of love and thoughtfulness. What matters most is the effort behind the act, showing that someone is paying attention and wants to support them. Receive : You feel loved when someone helps you without being asked. It means a lot if someone brings you food, fixes something, or does errands for you. You might feel disappointed if people do not pitch in or follow through. Give : You show love by doing things: fixing, cooking, cleaning, running errands. You often say “let me do that for you” instead of offering comfort with words. You feel good when your help makes someone’s life easier. Receiving/Giving Gifts This love language is not about materialism or expensive items—it is about the thought and meaning behind a gift. A person who feels loved through gift-giving appreciates tangible symbols of affection, whether it is a small souvenir, a handwritten card, or something carefully chosen. To them, a well-timed gift shows attentiveness, consideration, and emotional presence. It is the message the gift conveys—"I thought of you"—that holds the most value. Receive : You feel cared for when someone brings you a thoughtful item, even if it is small. You remember who gave you what and often associate objects with people. Surprise gifts feel meaningful, not because of cost, but the thought behind them. Give : You buy or make things that remind you of someone and give it to them. You enjoy giving gifts “just because,” not only on holidays or birthdays. You feel frustrated if your gifts are dismissed or not appreciated. Quality Time Undivided attention and shared experiences are at the heart of this love language. People who value quality time feel closest when someone sets aside distractions and focuses fully on being present with them. It might be through deep conversations, going for a walk, watching a movie together, or simply sitting in the same room and connecting. What matters is the intentionality—knowing that someone wants to be with them, not just near them. Receive : You feel loved when someone makes time just for you. Deep conversations or quiet company matter more than background chatter. Being distracted (e.g., checking their phone) makes you feel unimportant. Give : You carve out time to be with people you care about. You try to give your full attention when someone talks. You may invite others to hang out even if there's no specific reason. Physical Touch This love language communicates emotional warmth through physical closeness. For those who respond to physical touch, a hug, a pat on the back, or holding hands can mean more than words ever could. Physical contact offers comfort, reassurance, and a sense of safety. It is often how they express care as well, through casual or affectionate touches. Without it, they may feel disconnected even if other forms of love are present. Receive : You feel connected by physical closeness like hugs, hand-holding, or sitting nearby. Physical affection calms or reassures you more than words. A lack of touch might make you feel distant, even if someone says nice things. Give : You often initiate hugs, pats on the back, or just being physically close. You show support with a hand squeeze, or comfort with a gentle touch. You might feel awkward expressing love verbally but show it through contact. Your Preferences The idea is that people give and receive love in different ways, and understanding someone's preferred "language" can improve relationships—romantic, family, or even friendships. When someone values different expressions of care, it creates room for mutual understanding, even when others show love in varied ways. Rather than focusing on one style, some people feel most at peace when affection is expressed through a blend of time, touch, helpfulness, encouragement, and shared moments. Each way of connecting carries meaning—and being open to them all can deepen relationships in a more balanced and personal way. There is no official test, but here is a short set of self-reflective questions to help figure out how you prefer to give love versus how you feel most loved (receive). People often assume they are the same—but they are not always. Many people relate to more than one, but usually one stands out more than the others. Answer these questions with the option that resonates most. How Do You Feel Most Loved? (Receiving) When you are feeling down, what makes you feel better? A: Someone saying something kind or encouraging B: Someone helping with something without being asked C: Someone surprising you with a small thoughtful gift D: Someone sitting and talking with you for a while E: A warm hug or hand on your shoulder On your birthday, what would mean the most to you? A: A heartfelt card or message B: Someone doing something special for you C: Receiving a meaningful gift D: Spending uninterrupted time with someone you care about E: Being physically close to those you care about If someone wanted to show you they love you without saying it, what would make you feel it most? A: Compliments or sweet messages B: Doing chores or errands for you C: Thoughtful gifts (big or small) D: Giving you their full attention E: Physical closeness or affection How Do You Tend to Show Love? (Giving) How do you usually comfort a friend or loved one? A: Say something encouraging or reassuring B: Offer to help with something practical C: Give them something thoughtful D: Spend time with them E: Offer a hug or gentle touch When you want to make someone feel appreciated, what do you do? A: Tell them what you admire or like about them B: Do something for them to make their day easier C: Give them something that made you think of them D: Invite them to hang out or chat E: Sit close, pat their back, or show some kind of touch You can tally which letters show up the most in each part. A = Words of Affirmation B = Acts of Service C = Receiving/Giving Gifts D = Quality Time E = Physical Touch Conclusion Understanding love languages can help you improve relationships of all kinds—romantic, family, friendship, and even professional. Everyone expresses and receives love in different ways, and recognizing those patterns helps reduce misunderstandings. When someone gives love in a way that does not match how you best receive it, you might feel disconnected even though their intentions were good. Likewise, your efforts might go unnoticed if the other person speaks a different emotional “language.” By becoming aware of both your giving and receiving styles, you can strengthen your ability to connect with others in more meaningful ways. It is also important to remember that love languages are not fixed categories. People often express a mix of them, and those preferences can shift over time or depending on life circumstances. What matters most is the willingness to pay attention, communicate clearly, and care enough to meet each other where they are. When you make the effort to show love in a way that truly lands for someone, it creates trust, comfort, and a deeper sense of being valued. And when you advocate for how you feel most supported, you create space for healthier emotional exchanges. 1 John 4:7 " Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

In the cradle of life, where fate has its start, A soul finds its path, written deep in the heart.. Through the joys and the trials, in the echoes of play, Each step marked a story, each moment, each day. A heart full of wonder, a mind ever keen, Navigating a world both vivid and serene. From childhood’s embrace to adolescence’s call, You danced through the phases, through rise and fall. With the weight of the world, and dreams taking flight, In the canvas of life, you painted your light. Through classrooms and corridors, wisdom was sought, In books and in knowledge, your battles were fought. In the realm of working, where hours stretched long, A voice in the chorus, singing your own song. Yet, within the turmoil, a tempest unseen, A journey through struggles, a fierce routine. From a love that was tender, to a heart that was tried, In the midst of the storm, you stood undenied. The bonds of affection, though frayed and torn, Still carried a hope, like a rose freshly born. With the ebb and the flow of a life lived in stride, You faced each challenge with courage and pride. Through losses and heartaches, the echoes of grief, You found strength in your sorrow, a moment of relief. Now standing in time’s light, with stories to share, A life rich in depth, in wisdom and care. Though the path has been rugged, with hurdles and bends, It’s a journey of growth, where hope never ends. So here’s to the future, with its promise and grace, To a life that’s been lived with courage to face. In  the chapters unwritten, in the dreams yet to weave, May you find peace and joy in all you believe.                                                                  —A tribute by ChatGPT

You can show support by reading my books available free on Kindle Unlimited. Your support can make a huge difference in my life. Secretly Screaming Childhood Sexual Abuse Private Pain Mental Illness Love and Heartache Stellar Insights: A Celestial Journey of Self-Discovery You can also click on my name Linda Milam Brown to go to my author's page on Amazon.com or search my book titles on your local Amazon site! Thank you for your time, compassion and generosity.

Originally posted on my GoFundMe Campaign created 05 October 2023.  Although I have been making strides and improving in many areas, I haven't been able to catch up financially. It is my hope that I won't have to bring this GoFundMe into the next year! Any level of generosity will go a long way to help end my suffering! ​ My name is Linda Milam Brown (Benedetto), and I am 63 years old. Very few people know much about me and how quickly I become overwhelmed just doing daily tasks. I am neurodivergent, which means my brain processes information in a way that is not typical of most individuals, and it's possible that this aspect of my identity played a role in the abuse I've experienced. Whether it is from being on the Autism Spectrum or trauma, I persistently face struggles with Severe Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD. ​ I want to emphasize the toll that a lifetime of challenges has taken on my mental health. The truth is, I've endured more than most could imagine, and right now, I'm at a breaking point. I recognize the reality of my situation, and I am trying to find support during this difficult time. ​​ ​I'm in significant distress mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I remain in a state of desperation somewhere between suffocating and drowning. A sudden and substantial decrease in income, coupled with rising living costs, including necessities like food, water, electricity, and insurance, along with unexpected medical and dental expenses, has resulted in overwhelming debt. ​ Now on a fixed income, every day feels like an uphill battle. The debt continues to grow, accumulating interest and making it increasingly difficult to pay. If I can get help catching up financially, I will then be able to meet basic monthly obligations. I share my story with the hope that your compassion may become a lifeline during this especially dark chapter of my life. ​ I pray to God every day. I am always reminded of the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I have always had hope. Through the years, my faith has been tested. The hardships I have suffered in my life have not been easy, but I have persevered through them starting at an early age. Most of the most beautiful moments in my life have been marred, but my hope, fueled by my faith, has allowed me to survive. ​ Recent months have been particularly trying in all aspects of my life. It is torture fighting the thoughts in my head, and I want to be able to continue to win this battle. I have trouble expressing myself briefly because every time I think of one setback that led me to where I am, it reminds me of other obstacles over the last six decades that still have an impact on my current situation. Over the last decade, it has been increasingly difficult for me to leave my home. This financial debt I am facing now has made it difficult to consistently pay for the medicine I need to calm the anxiety and think rationally. If I can find help to get through this financial hurdle, I will be able to keep healing and improving mentally, physically, and emotionally. ​ Without going into great detail, as a child I suffered through 14 years of physical abuse, incest, molestation, and rape by multiple adults. I was forced to suffer through unimaginable cruelty and perversion on a weekly basis- my first memory was when I was only four years old. These unspeakable atrocities scarred my soul, and their weight alone would have been unbearable for most. In addition, I was hit by a car when I was five, and I was involved in two other motor vehicle accidents that are still questionable. The shock of lightning coming through the phone at thirteen, projecting me across the hall, added to the traumatic events in my life. I ran away and attempted to get help when I was sixteen, but I was located, beaten up, and brought back home.  ​ ​​​​​​​​At eighteen, desperate to escape the abuse, I volunteered to drive a stranger 1500 miles south. It was God's plan that my car broke down after 1000 miles, and the stranger continued on their way. In my predicament, I was forced to call home. After being scolded for being irresponsible, I learned I was just five miles away from the house of an aunt—the same aunt who was with me when I was hit by a car. I'm thankful my aunt took me in for a couple of months. When I suddenly left there for unknown reasons, a kind stranger found me crying at the farmer's market and took me home. My life began looking up. I hoped that would be the end of trauma in my life, but it wasn't.​​​​​​​​ ​​ Periodically and throughout my life, I've suffered from suicidal tendencies and attempts often with no outwardly trigger. My first attempt was at school when I was 16 years old, and it was never talked about. Over the next thirty years, I attempted suicide four more times. Although I haven't been able to eliminate intrusive thoughts, I have learned how to recognize them and try to take steps to avoid further attempts despite the added anxiety. I believe it is difficult to understand just how much I have accomplished and why I struggle without understanding the severity of the challenges I have faced.​ My first marriage, understandably, only lasted three years. In my nearly 30-year second marriage with a significant age gap, navigating mental health challenges was tough. Of course, every marriage has its difficulties, but ours faced additional challenges due to his age and the nature of his work, which kept him home for only short periods. Despite these issues and others, I did my best to raise three boys, work, and go to school. Since his passing, I reflect on the journey we shared, realizing how truly strong I was.​​​​​​​ ​ ​​​​​​​​​My three children all suffered with a variety of medical conditions and mental health challenges. I did the best I could, but often times my anxiety and frustration presented themselves as aggression or anger. I would unknowingly put my oldest son in harm's way when I asked my mother for help. At that time, I still didn't understand my own trauma and I was still trusting. Although my father was sent to jail as a result of the crimes against my son, justice wasn't served, and we were forbidden to bring up my abuse. Life continued. As soon as one crisis was averted, another arose. In 2011, I was finally at a place where I was able to take control of all aspects of my life. Within a year, tragedy struck. I lost my 22-year-old son who had a seizure while driving. ​​ ​All of these experiences, among many more I haven't detailed, have deeply impacted my life and my ability to go out into the world. In addition, they have created a lot of blank spots in my memory. There's a lot of stuff I can't remember, and the memories can't be retrieved. Things I seem to remember are tied to negative memories, which I am trying to replace with more positive thoughts. It's crucial to acknowledge that severe trauma can have a lasting impact, even if you've been able to manage it for years. I've continuously pressed forward, showing strength and resilience even in the toughest moments. However, I've reached a point where I feel utterly drained and exhausted. ​ Overall, I am mostly healthy, but physical pain has always been part of my life. In my thirties, I had five eye surgeries with short-lived results. Since 2017, I've suffered from new daily persistent headaches (NDPH)—it is literally a constant 24/7 headache along with facial pain. After many doctor visits and failed attempts to alleviate the pain, I gave up. This past year, I could no longer use my right arm and shoulder without severe pain. As my arm was healing, I unexpectedly started bleeding in another area of my body. My anxiety kept me from immediately reaching out for medical help. Within a week, I found myself in the emergency room. After many tests, a few follow-ups at a specialist, and a biopsy, I had to have surgery. About the same time, I was also having dental trouble. A crown broke, and then the permanent bridge I had in my mouth for the last 39 years had to be removed and replaced with a denture. A week after my surgery, I had 8 teeth extracted and a denture in place. Other than some much-appreciated long-distance support, again I faced serious situations alone. ​ This is only a small snapshot of some of the major things I have endured. Although I was initially reaching out for much more financial help, and I could still use financial assistance, I now focus on sharing my story and finding ways to cope with the challenges I face. I am praying for guidance and strength as I work through my overwhelming circumstances. ​ Your understanding and compassion are key to unlocking my future. Although anxiety has kept me captive in my home for several years, I've been working through my mental health issues with therapy and pure determination. In addition, I have turned over all my problems to God: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Doctors are tending to my physical health, and I am recuperating well. ​ Thank you for reading this portion of my story and considering my situation. I understand I am not alone in facing hardship, and I am grateful for any support you are able to offer. Please pray for me, and if you find this on your heart, share this message with your friends and family.  ​ For more information and weekly updates, please visit my GoFundMe  page.

It was February 4, 2012, when my world turned upside down—the day I lost my spirited child, Travis, taken too soon at just 22 years old. The pain of losing a child is a burden no parent should ever bear, and yet here I am, navigating this uncharted territory of grief and healing. Travis’s journey ended abruptly, a victim of a cruel twist of fate—a car accident triggered by an insidious foe: epilepsy. A Mother’s Devastation The news of the accident shook me deep inside. The realization that I would never see Travis's smile, hear his laughter, or feel his embrace again is a weight too heavy to bear. The void left by his absence seems insurmountable, a wound that may never fully heal. As I continue to face the overwhelming sorrow that engulfs me, I find comfort in the memories we shared—moments that remain vivid in my mind. Coping with Loss Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, yet the pain lingers like a shadow, a constant reminder of the irreplaceable loss I suffer. Grief becomes my unwelcome companion, a specter that haunts my every waking moment. I know others feel his absence too, but this is my way of honoring the love between a mother and son. In the depths of despair, I seek refuge in the rituals of remembrance, celebrating Travis’s life and legacy amid the silence of his absence. Birthday Remembrance Today, September 22, marks Travis’s birthday—a bittersweet milestone that reminds me of another year since his passing. I grapple with how to honor his memory meaningfully. I decide to celebrate his birthday, a tribute to the light he brought into my life and the love that continues to bind us together across the realms of existence. Healing through Remembrance On this special day, I reflect on the love and longing I hold for Travis. I find peace in knowing he is watching over me, his spirit a guiding light in my moments of darkness. Through the tears and the laughter, the joy and the sorrow, I feel his presence, a palpable reminder that love transcends even the boundaries of life and death. Epilepsy Awareness Epilepsy awareness is crucial in honoring Travis’s memory. This silent killer took his life and continues to threaten countless others. Raising consciousness about epilepsy helps shed light on a condition that often lurks in the shadows, unseen and unacknowledged. By sharing Travis's story, I hope to encourage conversations that can lead to better understanding and support for those affected by epilepsy. Finding Purpose in Pain As I navigate this journey of grief and healing, I realize that Travis’s legacy lives on not in the pain of his absence, but in the love that endures, in the memories that sustain me, and in the purpose that drives me forward. His doctor had once said years earlier that he would do great things as an adult, and he truly did—becoming an organ donor who helped others live a better life. On his birthday, I honor his memory not with tears of despair, but with a heart full of gratitude for the time we had together and the lessons he continues to impart. In Loving Memory To my dear Travis, the embodiment of laughter and tears, wherever you may be, know that you are cherished, remembered, and deeply loved. Though you are no longer with us, you will forever reside in the depths of my heart—a beacon of light in my darkest hours and a whisper of hope in my moments of doubt. Until we meet again, on the other side of eternity, I will carry you with me, always and forever. As I navigate the ebb and flow of grief, I find solace in knowing that Travis’s spirit lives on, a source of comfort and strength as I strive to make sense of a world forever altered by loss. In his memory, I honor the past, cherish the present, and embrace the future with an open heart, a grateful spirit, and a love that knows no bounds. Our journey through grief is a testament to the enduring power of love and the resilience of the human spirit. As we celebrate our loved ones who have gone before us, may we find peace in remembrance, strength in unity, and hope in the promise of a brighter tomorrow. Revelation 21:4   "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. I have attempted suicide five times. I share this because I am not ashamed—they are facts of my life. I hold a Bachelor of Science degree in Sociology, and Émile Durkheim’s work on suicide has always resonated with me. He did not treat suicide as just a mental illness or personal weakness. He examined it as a social issue—something that can be explained by how connected or disconnected someone is from their community. A few years ago, I changed my Twitch name to disconnexion—after feeling suicidal and extremely disconnected from the world. People often claim that suicide is selfish. I believe it is equally selfish to demand that someone continue living a life they no longer want. The tension between societal expectations and private suffering, is central to understanding suicide not just psychologically, but sociologically. Suicide is important to discuss and this article is meant to be informative and educational, not persuasive. “Each society is predisposed to generate a certain quantity of voluntary deaths.” Émile Durkheim was a pioneering sociologist who studied suicide extensively. His 1897 work "Le Suicide"   is one of the earliest sociological texts. Durkheim's work emphasizes the crucial role of social connections and belongingness in protecting individuals from suicidal tendencies. Durkheim's Theory of Suicide:  Social Integration and Suicide: Durkheim argued that suicide is not solely a result of individual psychological problems, but also influenced by social factors. He theorized that the degree to which an individual is integrated into a social group or society affects their likelihood of committing suicide. Types of Suicide: Based on the level of social integration and social regulation, Durkheim categorized suicide into four types. Egoistic suicide: Results from a lack of social integration, leading to feelings of isolation and meaninglessness. Altruistic suicide: Occurs when an individual is too integrated into a group and may sacrifice their life for the group's benefit. Anomic suicide: Arises from a state of normlessness or social disintegration, where individuals feel disconnected from societal norms and values. Fatalistic suicide: Happens when a person is excessively regulated and oppressed by societal rules.  Egoistic Suicide “The more strongly someone is integrated into a group, the less likely he is to commit suicide.” Durkheim's concept of egoistic suicide suggests low social integration is linked to an increased risk of suicide. This can be seen in individuals who feel isolated, misunderstood, or cut off from meaningful social ties. These are often people who lack strong family bonds, community involvement, or shared purpose with others. You might hear descriptions like “he was a loner,” or “she never really connected with anyone.” An example could be a man who lives alone, has no close relationships, and feels like he does not belong anywhere. He may go through life unnoticed, and over time, that deep sense of disconnection leads to hopelessness. Egoistic suicide is often more common in societies or environments where individualism is strong, and collective support is weak. Altruistic Suicide “In societies where the individual is completely absorbed in the group, he is almost without personal existence and ready to renounce it whenever the collective interest requires it.” Altruistic suicide happens when an individual is too integrated into a group—where the group’s needs and values overpower the individual’s own life or desires. These people may believe their death is a duty or sacrifice for the greater good. A clear example is seen in religious cults, where group members are convinced to take their own lives as an act of loyalty. The Heaven’s Gate cult in 1997 is one such case. Members believed they would ascend to a higher existence by dying together. In this type of suicide, you do not hear “he was a loner,” but rather, “he was completely devoted to the group.” In Durkheim’s terms, this extreme integration erases personal identity in favor of group belonging. Anomic Suicide “Anomic suicide... occurs when the bounds of the social order are broken, and one’s passions are let loose without sufficient regulation.” Anomic suicide stems from instability—especially during times of sudden change or breakdown in social norms. People may feel lost when societal structures that once gave their life meaning collapse. This can happen after job loss, divorce, bankruptcy, or dramatic cultural shifts. An example would be a successful businessman who suddenly loses everything in an economic crash. With no clear rules to follow anymore and no stable identity left, he may feel there is no place for him in the new reality. Durkheim viewed this type of suicide as common in rapidly changing societies where the old rules vanish, but nothing reliable replaces them. Fatalistic Suicide “Fatalistic suicide is committed by persons with futures pitilessly blocked and passions violently choked by oppressive discipline.” Fatalistic suicide occurs when a person is under extreme social regulation—their life is tightly controlled, leaving no room for hope, freedom, or personal expression. These are situations where people feel trapped, like prisoners or slaves to a system. Examples can include individuals in long-term incarceration, those in severely abusive relationships, or victims of extreme authoritarian regimes. You might hear someone describe this as “there was no way out” or “their life was already over in every other way.” This type is the opposite of anomic suicide—where chaos reigns—because here, the problem is too much order, too many constraints. The Allure of Suicide “One cannot long remain so absorbed in contemplation of emptiness without being increasingly attracted to it. In vain one bestows on it the name of infinity; this does not change its nature. When one feels such pleasure in non‑existence, one’s inclination can be completely satisfied only by completely ceasing to exist.” This excerpt reflects Durkheim's idea that when someone dwells deeply on the concept or allure of emptiness or non-existence, it becomes a stronger temptation—described almost like a seductive ideology. In other words, long-term contemplation of suicide can actually draw someone toward it. Some who know me may wonder if this is why I have dealt with suicide for the last fifty years. I can say it is not—I do not dwell on death, the thought often appears randomly without warning or any obvious cause . Conclusion Durkheim gave structure to something that often feels unexplainable. He showed that suicide is not always rooted in personal weakness or mental illness, but often shaped by the social world around us. His four categories—egoistic, altruistic, anomic, and fatalistic—offer a framework that still applies today. Whether someone is isolated, consumed by group identity, unanchored, or over-controlled, the social impact of suicide is real. My own experiences have crossed into more than one of these categories. Maybe that is part of why I relate to Durkheim’s work. Talking about suicide is not easy, but it is necessary. Silence can be deadly—be the voice that saves someone's life. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Expand for Lyrics Always Almost Enough Some days, my mind drifts. Not to one person, but to several. Different men, different memories — some kind, some confusing. All meaningful in their own way. I think of the one who made me laugh. The one who challenged my thinking. The one who said sweet things but disappeared. The one who stayed too long but never stepped forward. Each left something behind — a smile, a scar, or a what-if. I wasn’t the person they chose to hold onto. Not in the long run. Not for real. I’m not angry. Just wondering why I am always almost enough. But no one ever chose me. Not really. Not fully. You sang to me like it meant something, like the chords were written just for me. I believed in the way your voice softened when you said my name. We talked for hours, about life, the world, nothing at all. I brought my mind, you brought surprise and sweetness. Sometimes the distance was a quiet killer. So close in thought, so far in everything else. You joked when I needed answers, and I didn’t always get the joke. We laughed a lot. We dreamed, flirted, questioned, wondered. I hurt you with an analogy, and quotes, I wouldn't stop the quotes. It is how I can make sense of the thoughts in my head. I’m not angry. Just wondering why I am always almost enough. But no one ever chose me. Not really. Not fully. I spent time with someone who is now gone from this earth. We knew each other in ways you can't explain to anyone else. But it still wasn't enough. I was too different. Too deep, too curious, too much. Or maybe not enough for anyone to stay. One had charm and softness, but a life too different from my own. Another always made me feel wanted, desired, but age does matter, combined with distance. I’m not angry. Just wondering why I am always almost enough. But no one ever chose me. Not really. Not fully. Dear God. I’m not angry. Just wondering why I am always almost enough. I recently wrote the lyrics to a song called Always Almost Enough . The words came from a place deep in my heart—one of those quiet aches that does not go away easily. I used Suno, an AI-powered music tool that lets you turn written lyrics into full songs with vocals and production. It is surprisingly intuitive and gives people like me—who write from the heart, but can't hold a tune—a way to hear those feelings come to life. There’s a certain kind of silence that comes with being almost enough. Not rejected in a loud way—just quietly passed over. Again and again. You were not the worst. You were not the best. You were meaningful, memorable even. Just not chosen. Sometimes they stayed a while. Sometimes they said all the right things. But in the end, they did not stay. Not fully. Not really. It makes you wonder what exactly was missing. Too much? Too different? Too intense? Or maybe not quite enough of whatever it is people are looking for. You may have even been truly sincere, when sincerity was far from their intention. You become someone’s good memory, a once-loved voice in their inbox or call log, But not someone’s person. Not the one they build with, stay with, fight for. It is not bitterness. It is that lingering ache that sits with you quietly. Not loud, not sharp. Just steady. The hardest part is not being alone. If you love yourself, you do not mind being alone. It is knowing you were almost something real. That you mattered—but not quite enough to be the one they held onto. And after a while, you stop asking to be loved loudly. You just hope to be enough for someone one day. Maybe I was never fully chosen, even in my marriage—but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t worth choosing. If they could not see that, or did not value me, that is not my failure to carry. I always care deeply, and I do not ever regret it. What I give is honesty, always. They may not have chosen me, but that doesn’t change who I am.