Love Languages: Receiving and Expressing Love

The concept of "love languages" was coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, a Baptist preacher. marriage counselor and author. He introduced the idea in his 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts". Chapman proposed that people experience and express love in five distinct ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

Each love language actually has two sides: how someone prefers to receive love and how they naturally show love. These are not always the same for a person. Sometimes conflict happens when two people are giving love in their own preferred language, but not in a way the other person receives it best. That is where the idea of “learning someone’s love language” becomes really useful.

Words of Affirmation This love language centers around the power of verbal expression. People who value words of affirmation often feel most loved when they hear thoughtful, encouraging, or appreciative words. It is not just about saying "I love you"—it includes compliments, expressing gratitude, and acknowledging someone's efforts or character. Even a simple "I am proud of you" or "You did great" can deeply resonate. For them, language has emotional weight, and silence or harsh words can be especially hurtful.

Receive:

• You feel uplifted when someone says kind or encouraging things.

• Compliments, thoughtful texts, or being told “I am proud of you” go a long way.

• You may replay encouraging things people have said to you in your head.

Give:

• You often write notes, give compliments, or express appreciation out loud.

• You tend to encourage people verbally when they are going through something.

• You say “I love you” or “you have got this” more than most.

Acts of Service For people who connect through acts of service, actions truly speak louder than words. They feel loved when others take the time to help them, ease their burdens, or anticipate their needs. Whether it is making a meal, running errands, or helping with a task without being asked, these gestures are seen as expressions of love and thoughtfulness. What matters most is the effort behind the act, showing that someone is paying attention and wants to support them.

Receive:

• You feel loved when someone helps you without being asked.

• It means a lot if someone brings you food, fixes something, or does errands for you.

• You might feel disappointed if people do not pitch in or follow through.

Give:

• You show love by doing things: fixing, cooking, cleaning, running errands.

• You often say “let me do that for you” instead of offering comfort with words.

• You feel good when your help makes someone’s life easier.

Receiving/Giving Gifts This love language is not about materialism or expensive items—it is about the thought and meaning behind a gift. A person who feels loved through gift-giving appreciates tangible symbols of affection, whether it is a small souvenir, a handwritten card, or something carefully chosen. To them, a well-timed gift shows attentiveness, consideration, and emotional presence. It is the message the gift conveys—"I thought of you"—that holds the most value.

Receive:

• You feel cared for when someone brings you a thoughtful item, even if it is small.

• You remember who gave you what and often associate objects with people.

• Surprise gifts feel meaningful, not because of cost, but the thought behind them.

Give:

• You buy or make things that remind you of someone and give it to them.

• You enjoy giving gifts “just because,” not only on holidays or birthdays.

• You feel frustrated if your gifts are dismissed or not appreciated.

Quality Time Undivided attention and shared experiences are at the heart of this love language. People who value quality time feel closest when someone sets aside distractions and focuses fully on being present with them. It might be through deep conversations, going for a walk, watching a movie together, or simply sitting in the same room and connecting. What matters is the intentionality—knowing that someone wants to be with them, not just near them.

Receive:

• You feel loved when someone makes time just for you.

• Deep conversations or quiet company matter more than background chatter.

• Being distracted (e.g., checking their phone) makes you feel unimportant.

Give:

• You carve out time to be with people you care about.

• You try to give your full attention when someone talks.

• You may invite others to hang out even if there's no specific reason.

Physical Touch This love language communicates emotional warmth through physical closeness. For those who respond to physical touch, a hug, a pat on the back, or holding hands can mean more than words ever could. Physical contact offers comfort, reassurance, and a sense of safety. It is often how they express care as well, through casual or affectionate touches. Without it, they may feel disconnected even if other forms of love are present.

Receive:

• You feel connected by physical closeness like hugs, hand-holding, or sitting nearby.

• Physical affection calms or reassures you more than words.

• A lack of touch might make you feel distant, even if someone says nice things.

Give:

• You often initiate hugs, pats on the back, or just being physically close.

• You show support with a hand squeeze, or comfort with a gentle touch.

• You might feel awkward expressing love verbally but show it through contact.

Your Preferences

The idea is that people give and receive love in different ways, and understanding someone's preferred "language" can improve relationships—romantic, family, or even friendships. When someone values different expressions of care, it creates room for mutual understanding, even when others show love in varied ways.

Rather than focusing on one style, some people feel most at peace when affection is expressed through a blend of time, touch, helpfulness, encouragement, and shared moments. Each way of connecting carries meaning—and being open to them all can deepen relationships in a more balanced and personal way. There is no official test, but here is a short set of self-reflective questions to help figure out how you prefer to give love versus how you feel most loved (receive). People often assume they are the same—but they are not always. Many people relate to more than one, but usually one stands out more than the others. Answer these questions with the option that resonates most.

How Do You Feel Most Loved? (Receiving)

1. When you are feeling down, what makes you feel better?

   • A: Someone saying something kind or encouraging

   • B: Someone helping with something without being asked

   • C: Someone surprising you with a small thoughtful gift

   • D: Someone sitting and talking with you for a while

   • E: A warm hug or hand on your shoulder

2. On your birthday, what would mean the most to you?

   • A: A heartfelt card or message

   • B: Someone doing something special for you

   • C: Receiving a meaningful gift

   • D: Spending uninterrupted time with someone you care about

   • E: Being physically close to those you care about

3. If someone wanted to show you they love you without saying it, what would make you feel it most?

   • A: Compliments or sweet messages

   • B: Doing chores or errands for you

   • C: Thoughtful gifts (big or small)

   • D: Giving you their full attention

   • E: Physical closeness or affection

How Do You Tend to Show Love? (Giving)

1. How do you usually comfort a friend or loved one?

   • A: Say something encouraging or reassuring

   • B: Offer to help with something practical

   • C: Give them something thoughtful

   • D: Spend time with them

   • E: Offer a hug or gentle touch

2. When you want to make someone feel appreciated, what do you do?

   • A: Tell them what you admire or like about them

   • B: Do something for them to make their day easier

   • C: Give them something that made you think of them

   • D: Invite them to hang out or chat

   • E: Sit close, pat their back, or show some kind of touch

You can tally which letters show up the most in each part.

• A = Words of Affirmation

• B = Acts of Service

• C = Receiving/Giving Gifts

• D = Quality Time

• E = Physical Touch

Conclusion

Understanding love languages can help you improve relationships of all kinds—romantic, family, friendship, and even professional. Everyone expresses and receives love in different ways, and recognizing those patterns helps reduce misunderstandings. When someone gives love in a way that does not match how you best receive it, you might feel disconnected even though their intentions were good. Likewise, your efforts might go unnoticed if the other person speaks a different emotional “language.” By becoming aware of both your giving and receiving styles, you can strengthen your ability to connect with others in more meaningful ways.

It is also important to remember that love languages are not fixed categories. People often express a mix of them, and those preferences can shift over time or depending on life circumstances. What matters most is the willingness to pay attention, communicate clearly, and care enough to meet each other where they are. When you make the effort to show love in a way that truly lands for someone, it creates trust, comfort, and a deeper sense of being valued. And when you advocate for how you feel most supported, you create space for healthier emotional exchanges.

1 John 4:7 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."