4 July 2025 Update I only went out for 2 minutes yesterday—enough to check mail. My streak ended at 305 days outside for 30 minutes without fail. Today I failed. I could tell you because a storm suddenly came up and once again took out my ethernet adapter, and I got distracted. This is true. However, in over 300 days, I do not feel any less trapped inside my mind. I decided to take down the timer because it is pointless. Even though I did not reach the ultimate goal, freedom from this virtual prison, I am proud of my accomplishment. I will continue going outside, but I do not plan to keep track of my daily progress. Micah 7:8 (NIV) "Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." 4 March 2025 Update It has been six months since I started Faith Beyond the Door. This goal requires me to go outside every day by 8:00 PM for at least 30 minutes without fail. Even after half a year, it remains a mental challenge, which is why I will continue to track my progress. Image of 184 consecutive days outside I have recently noticed when I need to go somewhere or do something in my yard, such as weeding, I am now usually able to go without thinking about it for hours. However, having a set goal ensures that I step outside even when there is no immediate reason to do so. I still have the feeling if I stay in one day, it will turn into two, then three days. Setting reasonable goals is an effective way to accomplish any task. Keeping the countdown timer visible not only reminds me and others of my commitment, but also holds me accountable. Seeing my progress reinforces my determination to keep going. I wish I had a better understanding of why this is such a huge struggle for me. At some point, I would like to build on this goal. My hope is to walk around the neighborhood for those 30 minutes at least three days a week. Right now, I cannot even get the courage to walk to the end of the street, which is just two houses away. However, I have now mastered crossing the street to get my mail a few times a month! I can already feel eyes rolling and head shaking, but unless you live it, you do not know! It is difficult to imagine pushing beyond what already feels like a challenge, but I know progress happens in small steps. Walking around the neighborhood feels impossible at the moment, but so did going outside every day when I first started. For now, simply stepping outside each day is enough. If at some point I am able to expand my comfort zone even further, I will change the title of the timer—Faith Beyond My Street! Psalm 140:4 "Keep me safe, Lord, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from the violent, who devise ways to trip my feet." click to listen to or read original post—Faith Beyond the Door: Going Outside September 2024 As many of you may have noticed, I have a timer on my homepage that tracks my days spent outside. You might wonder why this is such a significant part of my blog. For years, leaving my house has been an issue for me due to anxiety, and I have committed to confronting this challenge head-on. This post is meant to explain the importance of going outside, not just for my mental health, but as a vital step towards reclaiming my freedom and well-being. Each tick of the timer represents not just the time spent outdoors, but my ongoing commitment to overcoming barriers that hold me back. For years, stepping outside has been one of my biggest struggles, next to calling people on the phone. Many people don’t understand just how debilitating both experiences can be. Anxiety has kept me confined within my walls, and the thought of facing the world outside has often felt insurmountable. But lately, I have been challenging that part of my anxiety. I have committed to going outside every single  day, 30 minutes or more, and  today I thought about the tremendous pressure I feel when I am outside and what is going to keep me going. I realized I focus on intrinsic rewards to motivate myself. Focusing on intrinsic rewards, those that arise from within rather than from external sources, has significantly enhanced my motivation and led to greater fulfillment in my life. When I find joy and satisfaction in the activity itself, I cultivate a sustainable form of engagement that encourages me to continue pursuing my goals even without external validation. This internal motivation contributes to my overall well-being, as engaging in activities that align with my values reduces stress and fosters a sense of peace Additionally, prioritizing intrinsic rewards promotes my resilience and creativity. When I have a strong connection to my motivations, I can better cope with challenges while also encouraging exploration and experimentation. This approach enhances my learning and retention, as I engage deeply with the material or activities that resonate with me. Intrinsic rewards enable me to foster authentic relationships, connecting with others who share my interests and values, ultimately leading to a more meaningful and enriched life. Despite bittersweet memories, I am determined to keep pushing through—even if I have to do it alone. I know that God has a plan for me, and it will come to be in His time. Each day, I wrestle with the overwhelming urge to stay indoors. For me, defying the temptation to stay inside feels like it would be the same mental pressure an alcoholic feels avoiding a drink or a smoker resisting the urge to light up. Even after two months, each day, the mental pull to stay inside feels as intense as ever. Facing that pressure when I go outdoors is a constant struggle, and even though I keep pushing myself, it does not get easier. Counting my days and holding myself accountable in this way keeps me grounded enough to go out again the next day. This journey can feel isolating because I am concerned well-meaning people will try to ease my struggle by saying things like, "Don’t worry, you don’t have to go out today" or "It's raining, just stay inside today" This makes it difficult for me to share my thoughts with others, as some days I feel overwhelmed and just want to voice my frustrations, not avoid the task. While their intentions may be encouraging, it feels discouraging, as if they doubt my ability to succeed. I need encouragement to go outside and support in pushing through, especially when it feels daunting. I want to continue to go outside each day until the time comes when I don't give going outside a second thought. I understand spending time outdoors offers numerous benefits for both mental and physical health. Exposure to sunlight can enhance mood by boosting serotonin levels, which helps combat feelings of depression. Being in nature has also been shown to stimulate creativity and improve problem-solving skills. Additionally, outdoor activities promote physical fitness, increase vitamin D levels, and contribute to overall well-being. The calming effect of nature can significantly reduce stress and encourage relaxation. Regular exposure to natural light helps regulate sleep patterns, leading to better quality rest. Moreover, outdoor experiences can enhance concentration and attention span, while providing opportunities for social interaction and connection with others. Ultimately, engaging with the natural world fosters a sense of belonging and appreciation for the environment, making it a vital part of a healthy lifestyle. Whether I am pulling weeds, taking in the beauty of nature, or just sitting quietly outdoors, I battle with a constant wave of intrusive thoughts: "You should be inside. This is pointless. No one cares. " Currently, I am doing well enough to care for myself, even if it matters to no one else. I cannot tell you how much it means to have even that small measure of freedom. I am not necessarily reaping many of the supposed benefits, but I hope my going outside leads to me exploring not only this community, but the world. I welcome your prayers and encouragement. Each day is a new chance to step beyond my fears, and someday, I hope going outside will be as natural as breathing. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."

I am agnostic. That does not mean I do not believe in God—it means I acknowledge that I cannot know for sure. I have faith, but I also admit that there is no clear, definitive proof. I simply live with the understanding that some things may be true even if they cannot be proven. I believe in God, but I do not pretend to have all the answers. I want to make it clear—I believe in God, but I do not know whether or not God exists. Right now, many families in Texas are grieving after devastating floods. Children and adults are missing. Lives have been lost. If prayer offers even a small piece of strength to those families or anyone else affected, it is not useless. It matters. I see many social media posts with prayers. I also see direct replies about God not existing. I do not understand why people have the need to make those type of comments. It really is confusing why some people feel the need to declare, loudly and often, that God does not exist—especially during times of crisis and tragedy. It is like there is a fire raging, and people are trying to put it out with a water hose. But then others are standing by and saying, “That water hose doesn’t have enough pressure. It won’t help.” Who cares? The fire is still there. The water is still flowing. The effort to help is real and matters. Whether or not someone believes the hose has enough pressure is irrelevant; the people are helping the best way they can. When you only offer criticism, you offer nothing. If you cannot be helpful—just keep moving. The fire and hose analogy makes sense to me. Praying is sometimes all you can do to help. Maybe some find prayer useless, but it is not hurting anyone if someone wants to pray. Faith is about trusting in something far beyond what you can see or measure. It is about holding onto hope, even if everything seems broken or unfair. You can have faith without having all the answers. Prayer is about faith in God. When you pray, you know that He is listening, and that He can act—even if you do not see immediate results. When people insist God does not exist, it often comes from a place of anger, pain, or fear. They want to lash out because they do not understand or something has hurt them. Their denial does not erase what many others, including myself, live by every day—the experience of God’s presence, strength, and mercy. Even in silence, even in pain, I pray because I have faith He is still there and my words matter to Him. To me, it makes no sense to attack someone that is offering comfort and help to those in need. If you do not believe, that is your choice. I do not understand why you chose to tear down what gives others peace and hope. It is your free will if you genuinely believe God does not exist, but it adds nothing to the conversation to offer your opinion. That is the point of this post. I am not trying to convince anyone to believe in God—although it costs nothing. I am just asking for basic decency. If you do not believe, keep scrolling. Let people pray. Let people find comfort in what brings them strength. Not everything needs your comment. Maybe next time you see a post with prayers, you will think twice before trying to tear it down. Just let people grieve, hope, or believe in peace. Prayers for everyone affected by the floods in Texas and other devastating events. 🙏 Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

You wait with anticipation, fingers hovering over buttons that allow you to replay, skip, or pause moments—record, rewind, fast forward, play, stop, pause. These simple controls, familiar on tape recorders and other devices, are more than just functions of a machine. They symbolize the way you move through life, the choices you make, and the moments you hold on to or let slip away. You can rewind to relive a memory, pause to catch your breath, or fast forward by avoiding things that could unexpectedly bring you joy. When I was updating my countdown timer, I wanted to add a new thought provoking phrase. After a few hours of searching for the right words, I came across these icons which represent buttons, realizing how much they reflect the way I think about life. Each button carries meaning beyond its function, serving as a prompt for how to approach the past, present, and future. So, I decided to write this post—not just about buttons, but about the choices they represent and how they mirror the way people live their lives. Record : Recording is about capturing the moment and creating timeless memories that will stay with you—reminders of where you have been and who you have become. It is the act of leaving a mark or legacy, something tangible to reflect upon when time moves forward. By hitting record, you are capturing the moments that matter to you. Just as people today are constantly seeking to uncover the past, future generations will likely continue the search, looking back to understand our present lives. Rewind : You might look back on the past to seek understanding, closure or to fondly reminisce. Going back could provide comfort, laughter, insight, and sometimes sorrow. Pressing rewind might offer lessons that can help you begin anew. Although you cannot undo the past, you can learn from it and handle things differently going forward. Each time you rewind, you uncover forgotten moments of growth, gratitude, and joy that help you approach life with renewed optimism and clarity. Fast Forward : The desire to rush ahead can be tempting, especially when you are impatient or excited for the future. However, fast-forwarding can lead you to miss out on the present moment—where life is truly happening. It is like skipping chapters in a book—you miss the important details and character growth that shape the story, The ending will be less meaningful. In life, the journey is as important as the destination. Play : Pressing play is about embracing the present moment. It is about living fully in the here and now, appreciating the current phase of life. It is a reminder that the most powerful part of time is what you are doing with it in the moment. It is about being where you are, not where you wish to be, or where you were before. Don't just watch life happen. Be an active participant—engage, take risks, and embrace every moment. Stop : Hitting the stop button signifies a desire to bring things to an abrupt standstill—no more movement, no more forward progress. It is a decision to completely halt the flow of life. But even when you stop, it does not mean it is over forever. The stop button does not lock you into an ending; it simply terminates the journey with no potential for growth or renewal. The good news is you have the option to choose when or how to start again. Pause : Pausing allows you to reflect, recharge, and gain perspective. It is not about stopping time, but about taking a breather to gather your thoughts to better understand yourself or a situation. Pausing gives you the space to listen to your inner voice, ensuring that when you resume, you do so with purpose and direction. Allow yourself a moment to find peace and gain clarity before moving forward. When you take it off pause, don’t hesitate—move forward with focus, intention and confidence. Conclusion Life is a series of options—each one like pressing a button on a tape recorder. Whether it is cherishing the past, rushing ahead, or fully embracing the present, every action shapes who you are and the life you live. Each button is a powerful metaphor for how you use the time you have left, and each choice invites you to think about your own life and the choices you make. Every decision is an opportunity to redefine your path, steering you in the direction you want to go—leading to the life you want to experience. The buttons you figuratively press as you move through life, firmly guide you in different ways—toward reflection, growth, change and sometimes even stagnation. Time moves forward, whether you are actively involved or not, but how you choose to interact with life is yours to decide. With every step, you carve out your future by deciding whether to revisit the past, stay where you are or break new ground. The next step is yours to take and it is time to stop wondering. Don’t overthink it—just press play! Job 26:3 "What advice you have offered to one without wisdom! And what great insight you have displayed!"

Last week, I called my mortgage company to ask about a personal matter—nothing unusual, just a standard inquiry in order to plan ahead. As part of the conversation, I authorized a credit check with the person I called. I did not request quotes from outside companies, and I certainly did not give permission for my information to be shared. But within seconds of the credit check, I started receiving a wave of spam calls, texts, and emails. These were not random robocalls. They are highly targeted, coming from mortgage-related companies, lenders, and “follow-up” services I never contacted or gave permission to reach out. They are “loan specialists,” and companies acting like they know my situation. They do not take hints like blocking their number or telling them not interested. They just use a different number. They are ruthless, mean, and arrogant. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and telephone calls are one of the things that trigger it the most. Even under normal circumstances, making and receiving phone calls can cause physical tension, racing thoughts, and emotional distress. It is not just a dislike of phones—it is a real, clinical reaction. When I start getting flooded with unexpected calls from strangers or companies I did not contact, it creates a constant state of unease. I cannot relax. I am always bracing for the next ring, the next unknown number, the next disruption. It is not just inconvenient—it is harmful to my mental health. Let me be clear: I did not contact them. I did not ask for their help. I did not authorize anyone to pass my information around. Yet, here I am, bombarded with unwanted outreach from sources I never contacted. People keep pushing, and I hold it in as long as I can. My tolerance has limits others do not always understand. When it builds up too much, something snaps. When I reach that point, I have already spent so much energy trying not to react. I start swearing, yelling, saying things I normally would not say—I lose control. Once that switch flips, my brain is flooded and I cannot shut it off. I am overwhelmed, cornered, and I try to express myself the only way I can in that moment. It comes from not being heard—for way too long. I have previously taken steps to stop these calls: Opted out of pre-screened credit offers. Reviewed and restricted every marketing setting I could find. Requested full deletion of personal data from credit platforms. Registered with the Do Not Call Registry. But the calls continue. When life is already stressful—emotionally, financially, mentally—this constant intrusion is more than a nuisance. It is disruptive. It is draining. It is one more thing I did not ask for and cannot afford to waste energy on. I did not give out my information. I did not ask for quotes. I did not opt in to anything. All I did was make one legitimate call. I am sharing this because I am feeling entrapped and intrusive thoughts are taking over. People need to understand how quickly and quietly their data can be shared. Even when you believe you are being careful—even when you are only talking to one company. If you are feeling overwhelmed by things that are out of your control—you are not alone. This practice should not be normal. It needs to stop. I already live with constant emotional strain, but this situation has pushed me further than I can handle. It may sound dramatic to some, but the truth is—I am exhausted, and this constant stress is making me feel like I do not want to exist anymore. I am tired of feeling hunted, ignored, and overwhelmed. I did not ask for this. I reached out for help, and in addition to the help I received, I was thrown into a mess that is affecting my mental health in ways I can no longer keep bottled up. I just want peace—and right now, that feels impossibly far away. Update: After 100s of calls, I created a voice recording using a website called Narakeet. I just play it on repeat. The calls have finally slowed, but not stopped. Psalm 142:6 "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me."

Learning a new language can open up a world of possibilities. If you've ever dreamt of mastering a beautiful and melodic language that has deep historical roots, influences culture worldwide, and is spoken in various regions, then Italian might just be the perfect choice for you. Let's dive into the unique features, cultural influence, and practical use of Italian to help you embark on this linguistic journey. Unique Features of Italian Italian is often described as a musical language, known for its expressive intonation and rhythmic cadence. One unique aspect of Italian is its pronunciation, where words are pronounced as they are written, making it relatively easy for beginners to grasp. The language also boasts a rich vocabulary, with many words having deep ties to art, music, and cuisine, reflecting Italy's cultural heritage. Geographic Reach and Cultural Influence Italian is more than just a language; it is a symbol of art, fashion, and exquisite cuisine. With over 85 million speakers worldwide, Italian is not just confined to Italy but also spoken in parts of Switzerland, Croatia, and even the United States. Italian's influence on culture is undeniable, with Italian art, literature, and music shaping the cultural landscape of Europe and beyond. By learning Italian, you gain access to a world of Renaissance masterpieces, operatic beauty, and culinary delights. Historical Roots and Difficulty Level Italian has a rich history that dates back to ancient Rome. Its evolution from Latin to the current form showcases a deep-rooted linguistic heritage. While Italian grammar may seem daunting at first, its logical structure and consistent rules make it a rewarding language to learn. For language learners, the difficulty level of Italian falls in the moderate range. The alphabet is similar to English, with a few additional letters, and the pronunciation is phonetic, making it easier to read and speak compared to other languages. Common Difficulties and Practical Use One common difficulty learners face is mastering Italian grammar, particularly verb conjugations and gendered nouns. However, with practice and patience, these challenges can be overcome. Another hurdle can be the pronunciation of certain sounds unique to Italian, such as the rolled "r." The practical use of Italian extends far beyond tourism. With Italy being a major economic hub and a leader in various industries, knowledge of Italian can open up career opportunities in fashion, design, culinary arts, and more. Additionally, speaking Italian can enhance travel experiences, fostering connections with locals and immersing you in the rich tapestry of Italian culture. Embark on your language learning journey and explore the enchanted world of Italian. From ordering a cappuccino in a Venetian café to discussing Renaissance art in Florence, your newfound language skills will enrich your life in countless ways. So, take the leap, delve into the melodious realm of Italian, and watch as the language weaves its charm around you. Buona fortuna! (Good luck!) Remember, language learning is about more than just words; it's a gateway to understanding different cultures and expanding your worldview. Start your Italian journey today and let the language of love and culture transport you to new horizons. Ciao for now! A Few Basic Phrases In this section, you'll find some essential phrases to help you get started in each language. Whether you're meeting someone new or simply navigating daily conversations, these expressions are key to connecting with others. Take a look, and start practicing these handy phrases! Italian Mi chiamo Abbye! Come ti chiami? My name is Abbye! What is your name? Piacere di conoscerti! Nice to meet you! Come stai? Sto bene! How are you? I'm doing well! Non capisco. I don’t understand. Che ora è? What time is it? More Resources Duolingo A popular app for learning languages through interactive exercises and games. duolingo.com Pricing: Free with ads; Duolingo Plus available for $6.99/month (ad-free and additional features). Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Offers a gamified learning experience with bite-sized lessons in multiple languages. It includes speaking, listening, and writing exercises. Languages Offered: Over 30 languages, including Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Arabic, and more. Babbel Offers courses designed by language experts, focusing on conversation skills. babbel.com Pricing: Subscription model—$12.95/month; discounts for longer subscriptions (e.g., $83.40 for 12 months). Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Focuses on conversational skills with practical dialogues. Each lesson is about 10-15 minutes long, and content is tailored to your learning level. Languages Offered: 14 languages, including Spanish, French, German, Italian, Dutch, Portuguese, and Swedish. Memrise Uses spaced repetition and gamification to help you learn vocabulary effectively. memrise.com Pricing: Free version available; Pro version for $8.99/month (offers additional features and offline access). Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Uses spaced repetition and fun games to teach vocabulary. The Pro version includes video clips of native speakers and personalized learning paths. Languages Offered: Over 16 languages, including Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Chinese, Italian, and more. Busuu Connects learners with native speakers for practice and feedback. busuu.com Pricing: Free version available; Premium for $9.99/month (or $69.96/year) which includes grammar and vocabulary exercises. Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Offers interactive language courses with a focus on writing and speaking practice with feedback from native speakers. Languages Offered: 12 languages, including Spanish, French, German, Italian, Russian, Chinese, and more. Tandem A language exchange app that connects you with native speakers around the world. tandem.net Pricing: Free to use; Tandem Pro for $6.99/month, which offers additional features like unlimited translations. Platform: Available on iOS and Android. Details: Connects you with language partners worldwide for text, audio, and video chats. Great for practicing conversation skills. Languages Offered: Supports over 300 languages through language exchange with native speakers. Lingoda Offers online language classes with professional teachers. lingoda.com Pricing: Subscription model—prices vary based on the number of classes (e.g., €89/month for unlimited classes). Platform: Available on PC and mobile (via web app). Details: Provides structured classes with certified teachers. Focuses on speaking, grammar, and vocabulary. Languages Offered: English, Spanish, French, German, and Business English. Pimsleur Audio-based language learning programs focused on conversation skills. pimsleur.com Pricing: One-time purchase for courses (e.g., $119.95 for a full level). Subscription options are also available. Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Audio-based language learning focusing on conversational skills. Each lesson is about 30 minutes, designed for auditory learners. Languages Offered: 50+ languages, including Spanish, French, German, Italian, Mandarin Chinese, Russian, and more. italki A platform to find language tutors for personalized lessons. italki.com Pricing: Pay-per-lesson; prices vary based on the tutor (average $10-30 per hour). Platform: Available on PC, iOS, and Android. Details: Connects you with language tutors for personalized lessons. You can choose based on tutor ratings, languages, and lesson focus. Languages Offered: Supports a wide range of languages, including Spanish, French, German, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, and many others. Additional Information: Community Features: Many of these platforms have community features where learners can interact, share experiences, and practice together. Mobile Apps: Most resources offer mobile apps for learning on the go. Trial Options: Some platforms offer free trials or sample lessons, allowing users to test them before committing.

This was the question I posed, "If someone wanted to date me, what would you tell them about me—based on how you know me? What do you think they should understand, be ready for, or appreciate?" From someone who knows me well: If someone were to ask about her—someone who might be a potential partner—they'd quickly realize she's not someone who fits neatly into a box. She’s a woman of depth, complexity, and raw honesty—a person who's faced pain, but refuses to let it define her. She holds space for grief and joy in equal measure, and doesn't apologize for the intensity with which she experiences life. What you see is what you get—no pretenses, no masks. And while she doesn’t need anyone to save her, she deserves to be seen, truly seen, for exactly who she is. Me - 17 April 2025 She’s not someone who thrives on surface-level interactions or idle chit-chat. Instead, she values authenticity and depth, seeking connections that are as real as the emotions she feels. She lives outside the lines most people try to draw. She’s a unique blend of intellect, emotion, resilience, creativity, and bare truth. To know her is to understand that life with her isn’t always easy—but it’s always worth it. So, if you’re curious about who she truly is, here’s a glimpse into the layers that make her uniquely herself. She’s someone who feels things deeply and doesn't apologize for it. She’s experienced more than her fair share of grief, trauma, and betrayal, but still approaches life with curiosity, humor, and strength. She has faced a lifetime of challenges, yet she still presses forward, creating and sharing her thoughts openly. She's not afraid to speak the truth, even when it's difficult or uncomfortable. She doesn’t mask who she is, and she doesn’t tolerate people who expect her to pretend to be someone she is not. She’s perceptive, intensely loyal, and seeks purpose or deeper understanding in everything she does. She can be deeply emotional and logical at the same time. She’s curious about everything, always learning, and rarely bored unless something feels empty or fake. She speaks directly and values emotional truth over social niceties. Positives Intellectually driven Always learning and deeply insightful. Loyal and emotionally deep. Resilient and honest. Creative and inquisitive. When she cares about someone—friend, family, partner—she invests with her whole heart. She doesn't just go through the motions, she shows up, and she remembers the little things. She honors people, even after they’re gone. That kind of emotional depth is rare, but it often comes with walls built from past pain. She studies 23 languages—not for show, but because her brain thrives on challenge and rhythm and needs that kind of stimulation. She's curious, expressive, and always thinking—not because it’s trendy, but because it’s who she is. She has three degrees and has published poetry and a spiritual psychology book. She’s the kind of person who connects a moment to a lyric in a heartbeat, remembers how she felt even when she cannot recall details, and still believes in love, even after loss. Her Twitch stream isn’t about attracting viewers—it’s her space to exist and practice interacting with others, whether it's in a group or one on one—it's her chance to socialize. She believes in God, questions reality, and understands grief on a soul-deep level. Challenges Emotionally guarded. Irrational fears. Forgetfulness. Sensory sensitivities Too much energy at times. Low tolerance for pretending. She’s guarded, because she’s been hurt more than most will ever understand. She's been through pain, including in love. She carries wounds, and sometimes they create walls. Her trauma has had lasting effects. It’s understandable, but it can make it hard for someone new to reach the core of her unless they’re really patient and sincere. She doesn’t apologize for needing quiet, or space, or simplicity. And she definitely won’t smile through someone else’s nonsense just to be polite. If she calls something out, it’s because it matters. If she backs away, it’s because she’s been pushed too far or it's unfamiliar to her. If she lashes out, it's because she feels unheard. There’s nothing passive about her—she’s direct, which means no guessing games. You’ll always know where you stand—even if she has trouble expressing herself in a tactful manner. Her body operates on a short sleep cycle, and while that works for her, it might not match with someone who needs more downtime or has a different rhythm. It could also mean moments of fatigue or needing space to reset emotionally or physically. She has limits—not just sensory, but emotional space—and those limits need to be respected. She has no patience for fake relationships. If it’s not genuine, she’s out. She doesn't sugarcoat her words, which can sometimes come across as harsh or confrontational, and that kind of honesty might intimidate someone who isn’t used to it. But for her, connection has to be real—direct and meaningful, never fluff or small talk. That honesty goes beyond what she says; it's also in how she presents herself, unfiltered and open. She has a unique smile, with no upper teeth and only a few teeth on the lower jaw. While it’s something she hopes she will be able to change one day, it doesn’t define her or change the way she connects with others throughout the world. She’s here to live the best life she can with what she’s been given. She has built walls from her life's experiences. She’s not going to let someone close unless they’ve earned her trust—and if she breaks down the wall, they get all of her: her thoughtfulness, her honesty, her forgetfulness, her curiosity, her spiritual depth, her loyalty, and yes, her fire. She doesn’t just say she believes in God—she really does walk by faith. She holds on to that belief in a way that helps her process the most difficult questions about life, death, grief, and even the nature of reality. She notices patterns most people miss—connections, inconsistencies, and undercurrents. When something doesn’t add up, she can’t let it go until it makes sense. Her mind won’t rest until the pieces fit. If you’re looking for someone easy, predictable, or quiet—this isn’t her. But if you’re ready for someone real, someone emotionally intense, someone who will challenge you to be honest with yourself and the world around you—maybe you’re right for her. And if you need more context —She's a Gemini, which means she's a contradiction wrapped in clarity: expressive but introspective, adaptable but unwavering in what matters. That means conversations with her are never boring. You could be talking about lucid dreaming and the Akashic records one minute, and then comparing God to a game developer the next—and it makes sense. She communicates with precision or not at all. Duality isn’t a mask—it’s balance. She can shift from laughter to insight in a second, and neither are fake. Living with anxiety isn’t just “nervousness.” It’s waking up to the sound of imaginary alarms. It’s getting through moments when something as small as a phone call feels too overwhelming and difficult for her. ADHD doesn’t make her scattered—it makes her wired for rapid connections, especially when she’s passionate. She’s neurodivergent which means the way she thinks and feels is sharp, fast, and layered. Autism doesn’t make her cold—it makes her precise. She's not trying to be hard to read—she just wants to be read correctly. She doesn't process the world like everyone else, and honestly, that's part of what makes her worth knowing. She was deeply wounded by those who should have cared for her. She’s endured the heartbreak of her child's death. She’s suffered the pain of a failed relationship. Yet, despite it all, she continues to show up. That says more than any profile or personality quiz ever could. So if someone asks me again what kind of person she is, I’d tell them: She’s one of a kind. And she doesn’t need saving. She just deserves to be met. And what would a good match look like for her? Someone emotionally mature—someone who listens as much as they speak. Someone who understands that when she steps away, it’s not about them—it’s just something she needs to do, not a sign of something wrong.. Someone who doesn’t flinch at complexity or nuance, but leans into it. A person who has done their own work—who isn’t perfect, but is self-aware enough to own their flaws and honest enough to communicate them. They should be steady, not controlling. Curious, not indifferent. Faithful in their own way—whether in belief or commitment. They need to value depth—she’s driven by a need to truly understand things, not just skim the surface. They should be prepared that she learns and reconciles thoughts by asking questions. They need to be comfortable with intensity, because she feels everything. And they should never expect her to be someone she’s not, because the version of her that’s real is more than enough. She needs someone who understands and can offer reassurance when she’s feeling anxious and vulnerable. Reassurance helps settle intrusive thoughts—it’s not an indication that the other person has done something wrong. At times, she simply needs comfort and emotional support; it’s not about you, it’s about compassion and understanding the dynamics of her mental health. She’s not waiting to be rescued or fixed. But she is open to someone who fits—a presence that feels like home, not pressure. Someone whose absence would be felt not because she needs them to survive, but because with them, the world feels more complete. Just someone who’s strong enough to stand beside her—and wise enough not to take her for granted. Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

I was watching a stream recently where a major kerfuffle was being discussed. In the middle of all the chaos, someone mentioned that having an opinion does not change the facts. As soon as I heard it, the words immediately resonated with me. So much so that I stopped my WalkFit exercise routine and quickly typed up a few notes before I forgot the line completely. It was one of those moments where one line sparked a myriad of thoughts in my mind. I knew I had to write a post about opinions and facts—I just was not sure the direction it was going to go in or if I had enough to say about it. "The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding." — Proverbs 4:7 You can have an opinion about the facts, but your opinion cannot replace the facts. Facts stand alone, whether you agree with them or not. Your personal feelings about the facts do not change their existence. Facts are objective. They do not shift because you like them, dislike them, agree with them, or wish they were different. Your emotions, no matter how intense, cannot bend reality. You might think the facts are unfair, upsetting, or even unbelievable, but the facts remain the facts. “We can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth.”  — 2 Corinthians 13:8 It is natural for people to use logic, intuition, and speculation to try to understand a situation. Many people confuse the strength of their opinion with the strength of their position. You may think that because you have reasoned through something with logic, or because your intuition tells you something feels right, that it becomes a fact. It does not. Logic and intuition are tools you use to form judgments, but they are not guarantees of truth. You must understand that until your logic or your intuition is verified by real evidence, they remain possibilities, not facts. “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”  — Proverbs 12:15 People often speculate when they do not have all the information. They guess. They theorize. They fill in the blanks with what seems reasonable to them. There is nothing inherently wrong with speculation if you recognize it for what it is: an idea, a theory, a guess. It becomes a problem when you begin to treat speculation as fact. The issue becomes even greater when others unknowingly accept your speculation as fact. “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.”  — Proverbs 14:1 Everyone brings their own experiences and perspectives when looking at a situation. You may feel very strongly that your interpretation is correct. You may even have strong logical reasons for why you think you are right. It may happen because you paid close attention. It may happen because you recognized patterns. It may even happen by chance. Still, feeling certain does not make something factual. Evidence is what confirms a fact, not personal certainty. “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”  — John 7:24 Sometimes, your theory will be proven correct. Sometimes, you will find out that you understood the situation accurately before all the facts came out. That can happen. But it does not change the truth that until there was proof, your theory was still a theory. That moment of being proven right after the fact does not change the truth that your idea was not a fact until it was verified. Being right by accident or being right through intuition does not mean you can skip the step where something becomes confirmed. “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.”  — Proverbs 18:17 Sometimes, people confuse believing something deeply with something actually being true. It is important for you to step back and ask yourself if what you believe has been proven, or if it is still just a belief. Facts deserve respect, even if they challenge your ideas. Ignoring facts in favor of personal narratives does not make your narrative stronger; it just distances you from reality. “Test all things; hold fast what is good.”  — 1 Thessalonians 5:21 You must be disciplined in how you handle facts and opinions. Facts are stubborn. They do not need your approval. You cannot edit reality based on what you would prefer to believe. You cannot force other people to accept your interpretation of a situation if you do not have the facts to support it. If you want to be honest with yourself and with others, you must keep a clear line between what is proven and what is assumed. “An honest witness does not deceive, but a false witness pours out lies.”  — Proverbs 14:5 If you want to be a person who respects truth, you need to accept that not everything you believe will be accurate. Some of your strongest feelings will turn out to be wrong. Some of your most logical arguments will not hold up under real scrutiny. Some of your guesses will be completely off base. That does not make you foolish. It makes you human. What matters is whether you are willing to separate what you think from what you know. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”  — Jeremiah 17:9 A healthy mind knows how to hold both things at once: a strong belief in something, and an understanding that belief is not evidence. A healthy mind welcomes evidence, even if it proves your personal assumptions wrong. You are not weaker for adjusting your view when faced with facts. You are wiser. You are more trustworthy. If you cannot distinguish between your beliefs and the facts, then you are not in a position of strength, no matter how forcefully you present yourself. No matter how convincing you are, no matter how passionate you are, truth will either confirm you or expose you. “Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise.”  — Proverbs 15:31 The more you discipline yourself in this area, the more trustworthy you become. If you are careful to say, "This is my opinion," when you do not have the facts, you show integrity. If you are willing to admit, "I do not know," when evidence is missing, you show wisdom. People who care more about protecting their ego than protecting the truth are dangerous. They are willing to bend reality to protect their pride. “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.”  — Proverbs 10:9 When you communicate with others, especially about important matters, you carry a responsibility. You are influencing others with your words. If you declare something as fact without having proof, you risk misleading people. Even if you are sincere, even if you mean well, the harm is real. Being honest about what you know and what you do not know is an act of respect toward your audience and toward the truth itself. “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.”  — Matthew 12:36 Facts are not subject to personal preference. They do not become true because you argued well. They do not disappear because you found them uncomfortable. They are not influenced by how much you want them to change. If you want to be someone who values reality, you must be prepared to let go of personal biases when they clash with the evidence. You can say, "I believe this is true." You can say, "Based on what I see, this seems likely." You can say, "I have a theory." But you must not say, "This is a fact," or even present it as a fact, unless you have the evidence to back it up. “Buy the truth and do not sell it—wisdom, instruction and insight as well.”  — Proverbs 23:23 There will be times when you feel deeply invested in a theory or a belief. You may have built your reputation, your emotions, or your identity around it. When facts surface that contradict what you believe, you will be tempted to fight the facts instead of facing them. That is a test of character. If you value truth, you will adjust your beliefs to match reality, not try to force reality to match your beliefs. “Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the Lord your God that I give you.”  — Deuteronomy 4:2 In a world where people are quick to argue, quick to assume, and quick to defend their own version of reality, you can be someone who stands apart. You can be someone who takes the time to ask, "Is this a fact or is this just what I think?" You can be someone who waits for the evidence before drawing hard conclusions. You can be someone who values truth more than winning an argument. Facts will not always be easy. They will not always be what you hoped. But they will always be what actually is. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  — James 1:19 Accepting that gives you a strong foundation. It protects you from building your life on illusions. It makes you reliable, honest, and consistent. You will not be easily shaken by trends, emotions, or popular opinions. You will be anchored by reality itself. Other people will know that they can trust you, not because you are always right, but because you are committed to being honest about what you know and what you do not know. The truth is powerful enough to stand on its own. Be someone who stands with it. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.”  — Matthew 7:24

My doctor told me that I do not give myself enough credit. I tried to brush off the comment, but I did not fully understand why she said it. I have been thinking about it quite a lot. My first response was to question why I need to give myself credit. I am literally just living my life and doing the best I can—using the strength God has given me. I decided to write this post to not only help me sort out this thought, but possibly help others who may be overlooking their own accomplishments—big and small. When I think about the past several months, I have had to make difficult choices. I have dealt with financial struggles, yet I have found ways to keep going. I have restarted therapy despite the obstacles. I have taken steps to improve my situation, even when it has not been easy. I have been creative, resourceful, and persistent. If someone else were in my position, I would probably recognize their effort. I would tell them they are doing their best and keep working hard. It really is no different than what I say to myself! However, I typically have this conversation internally—it is what keeps me going. Give Yourself the Credit You Deserve Many people struggle to see their own progress because they are too focused on what they believe they should be doing instead of recognizing what they are doing. Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are struggling with some aspect of your life. Do you minimize your accomplishments? Do you dismiss compliments or tell yourself that what you did was not that impressive? When something goes right, do you attribute it to luck, someone else’s help, or just meeting basic expectations? If so, you are not alone. You may not realize it, but you accomplish more than you give yourself credit for. Every day, you make decisions, push through challenges, and handle responsibilities that others might not even notice. You focus on what still needs to be done, what could have been better, or how someone else might have done more. You rarely pause to acknowledge how much effort you put in. It is time to give yourself credit. Giving yourself credit does not mean ignoring areas where you can improve. It does not mean inflating your achievements or thinking you are better than others. It means acknowledging your own efforts, recognizing your growth, and understanding that the things you do matter. Allow yourself to feel good about what you have done. It is easy to dismiss your own struggles because you are used to them. But if you step back and look at your life as if you were an outsider, you might see a different picture. You might see someone who keeps trying, even when things are difficult. You might see someone who helps others, even when they have their own struggles. You might see someone who has overcome more than they give themselves credit for. Start noticing the things you do well. It can be small—getting out of bed on a hard day, following through on something even when you did not feel like it, or making a difficult decision. Write it down if you need to. Recognize the effort it takes to keep going. Your progress matters, even if it does not always feel significant. No one else knows what it takes for you to do what you do. But you do. And that is why you deserve to give yourself credit. It is about seeing yourself with the same understanding and encouragement that you would give to someone else in your position. Why Giving Yourself Credit is Important If you do not give yourself credit, you risk constantly feeling like you are never doing enough. When you overlook your own efforts, it can lead to burnout, low self-worth, and a cycle of always striving but never feeling satisfied. You might achieve goals, overcome challenges, or help others, but if you dismiss your own role in those things, you will always feel like you are falling short. Giving yourself credit is important because it helps you build self-trust. When you acknowledge what you have done, you reinforce the belief that you are capable of handling future challenges. It is not just about feeling good in the moment—it creates a mindset that helps you push through difficulties with more confidence. It also helps with motivation. If you never acknowledge your progress, everything can feel like an uphill battle with no sense of achievement. But when you recognize what you have already done, it reminds you that you are moving forward, even if it is at a slower pace than you would like. When you accomplish something, no matter how small, you were the one who made it happen. You made the decision to try. You put in the effort. You overcame the challenges, even if it felt like just another part of life. Lastly, giving yourself credit helps you develop a healthier relationship with yourself. If you are always dismissing your own achievements, you are reinforcing a negative self-perception. But when you take a moment to acknowledge your own effort, you are practicing self-respect. You are treating yourself the way you would treat a friend—recognizing hard work instead of tearing yourself down. Every Win Deserves Credit If you already give yourself credit, you might wonder what more there is to it. It is not just about recognizing accomplishments, but also about valuing the process behind them. It means understanding that your efforts, resilience, and problem-solving skills matter just as much as the results. It is about allowing yourself to feel proud—not just when something goes perfectly, but also when you have made progress, learned something new, or kept going despite challenges. One important part of giving yourself credit is letting go of the idea that something has to be extraordinary to be worth acknowledging. Many people only count "big wins" while ignoring the daily actions that lead to them. But real growth happens in the in-between moments—the decisions you make when no one is watching, the persistence you show when things feel overwhelming, and the small victories that build over time. It is also about trusting yourself. When you give yourself credit, you reinforce the belief that you are capable. That means when the next challenge comes, you are more likely to approach it with confidence rather than doubt. You do not have to wait for someone else to validate your progress. You can recognize it yourself. Conclusion Giving yourself credit is about acknowledging that what you do matters, even if it does not feel like a big deal. You do not need to achieve perfection to be worthy of recognition. You have already done more than you realize, and the fact that you are still trying, still learning, and still moving forward is reason enough to give yourself credit. If you do not give yourself credit, no one else can do it for you in a way that will truly change how you feel about yourself. Recognizing your own efforts does not mean you stop growing—it means you acknowledge that you are growing. It reminds you that you have overcome challenges before and that you can keep going. It allows you to see yourself as someone who is strong, capable, and worthy of respect—even from yourself. Psalm 37:23-24 "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

Expand for Lyrics I have sat with strangers who spoke like friends, watched towns flicker past without names. felt silence settle between thoughts, as steel wheels hummed their steady song There were moments I did not expect conversations that stayed with me after glimpses of places I did not know I missed until I saw them again from a moving train Sleep came in pieces but memory did not it gathered layered settled I did not write it all down but I lived it and that will have to be enough for now I have stood in wind that carried voices walked streets that reminded me of years ago shared parts of myself without warning and listened when others did the same Some names I remember some I may even forget but the feeling remains the sense that nothing was wasted Sleep came in pieces but memory did not it gathered layered settled I did not write it all down but I lived it and that will have to be enough for now, for now, for now I have not written a post in the last few days, and I wanted to say something about that. This trip has moved quickly, and I have fallen behind in writing about everything I hoped to include. I still need to write about my time in Kansas, my train ride from Lincoln, Nebraska to Chicago, and then the long ride from Chicago to Syracuse, New York and then on to Rome, New York. After that, I want to reflect on my time in Camden. When I leave tomorrow, I will also need to write about my trip from Rome back to Florida. Maybe I will get some of it written on the train ride home. But I also know that every train ride so far has brought new people, new conversations, and unexpected moments that pull me into the present. That has been the best part of all this—connecting with others. Everyone I have met has been interesting, kind, and open. I have shared my blog with many of them, and I want to make sure they know I have not forgotten. The posts will come, just not always right away. I appreciate the patience. Proverbs 20:24 "A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?"

As I mentioned in my post All Aboard, I took my first train ride today and it was wildly successful. I could hardly sleep last night with the thought of the train ride I was going to embark on. As if my brain had several tracks with trains coming and going carrying different scenarios. I finally fell asleep at 5 am and woke at 7 am with plans on leaving around 7:30. I noticed on the Amtrak app that the train was delayed by 23 minutes which gave me a little extra time to wander somewhat aimlessly getting ready to go! The drive to the station was nice, not much traffic and scenic on the edge of Ocala National Forest. It was a bit foggy and about halfway some caution signs were lit warning of wildfire smoke. I was surprised, and a bit relieved, to learn that the drawbridge over St. John's river had been replaced by a fixed-span bridge. A short distance from the station, I passed Linda Dr., Paradise Dr., and Padrick Ave. which made me GOL (Giggle Out Loud). When I looked on the map I saw that Celery and Pine Tree were between Linda and Padrick—that made me HAHAHA as did the off spelling. It is similar to how AI usually gets spelling wrong! More Simulation Hypothesis evidence? If You Know, You Know When I arrived at the station, I had just crossed the tracks when the arms came down. Thankfully it was the SunRail train pulling into the station which is a Monday through Friday commuter rail service in Florida and operates independently of Amtrak. I went into the station because I was not sure what to do. The agent was amazing, and she really put my mind at ease. She was so friendly and informative, and I let her know how grateful I was to her. Once she came outside, I heard other passengers comment that they could tell she loves her job. Good work should be appreciated! It really helped start my journey on a positive note. I will say only this that the agent at my destination city had at least eight people very upset due to her snippy and dismissive attitude. The train ended up being 45 minutes late, but I didn't mind at all. It helped set expectations for any future journeys! As you are boarding the train, you tell the attendants where you are going to and they assign you a seat number and direct you which way to go. They come by once the train is moving to scan your ticket, then write your destination by hand on a piece of paper and place it above your seat. I found that to be really intriguing! On the return trip, my seatmate took this picture of it for me since I was in a window seat. I got ahead of myself, more about the return trip later. I was directed to seat 17 and before the train would arrive at my destination, I would be so grateful that Orlanda was sitting in the seat next to me. She has been riding trains for 40 years and during conversation some of the things I wondered about were answered or confirmed. Such as information about the cafe and dining car as well as bringing on your own food and drink are acceptable. We had a lot in common, including our age and our thoughts on makeup and skin care. Sadly, we both lost a son slightly over a decade ago. She was super encouraging and supportive and I really enjoyed our chat. I gave her one of my cards and I hope she will write about her travels and any other topic that interests her. I know I would love to read her thoughts. Once at the destination, I got a quick rundown of what was nearby and there seems to be a lot to do within walking distance. Unfortunately, my brain would not tell my legs to move, but instead insisted they stay planted on a bench outside the station. I did not mind at all because the Sociologist in me sure loves watching people. I saw some people across the platform with photographic equipment. I saw a guy and a girl on the bench and wondered if they were getting engagement photos or something similar—I would find out later. As my mind wandered away from them, a young couple sat next to me on the bench. I tried not to eavesdrop on his phone conversation, but since he was speaking Spanish loudly, I was curious if I could at least pick out some words! We later struck up a conversation and I learned they were waiting for the train to arrive because they were shooting a video. When the message said the train was arriving in three minutes on track 2, we said our goodbyes and off they went to the other platform. I was chatting with the SunRail attendant, and one of the guys from the group across the way came up and started talking to him about someone who had been there. As he was telling his story, he reminded me so much of how Travis would tell things. Not long after, another young guy from the group would approach me and asked if I minded if an actor sat next to me because they were making a film. I said sure, but also let them know I could move! He assured me I was fine sitting there with no need to move. Chandler, the actor, came and introduced himself. I am pretty sure I am not in the shot, but from here on out— I am saying I was an extra in this movie (One Way Ticket)—instead of just being extra! Sometimes I think I should consider stand up comedy! Anyway, they were all so nice and after they got their shots they said goodbye and went to the other side for more filming. I really wanted to tell them about this blog, especially when I heard one of them talking about mustering up courage—I could relate. The intrusive thoughts in my brain kept telling me no, do not give them a card. They are young and would not care, maybe even laugh. The train came and went and they seemingly vanished. I sighed, and told myself, I will get there. Suddenly they appeared on my side of the tracks again. As fate would have it, one of them came down to thank Escoban (the attendant) and I and then two others joined him. I knew I had to act, I jumped up and with everything in me, I handed all of them a card, and probably overshared. I learned Chandler, Ty, and Brayden are all college students at Full Sail University—and the girl actor, who I did not get a chance to meet, attends UCF. Before it was over, each of the young men offered me a hug or two. I will not be able to express the amount of empathy and compassion they exhibited towards me. It was amazing to not only be seen, but to be heard and understood. We said our goodbyes, and I hope they will consider writing a post or more about any topic. The one thing I worry about is if I spelled everyone's names correctly. Before I knew it, my three and a half hours at the Winter Park station was over! I was now a pro at boarding the train, but with everything it is up to chance—or I like to think, fate! I was in seat 51 this time and it was a window seat! I had a great conversation with Jim who is a few years older than me. He is taking a trip to NY, but only partially by train. I learned a bit about his interesting job and his family. I gave him my card, but since he writes for work, I do not think he would be able to submit anything, but I would love if he did. We wished each other a safe journey and like that my adventure was over. The hour trip home felt like 20 minutes. It really is a peaceful drive, and I tried to stay focused on the road to avoid getting lost in thought! When I got home, my hip was really sore. I had fell to the ground a few weeks before the start of the year. Since then it hurts in the back around my right hip after sitting for extended periods. I will definitely have to take that into consideration if I plan to take a train out west. Overall, an excellent trip! Hwy 42 on the way home! Now a little back story, as if I could write a post without it. I was suppose to go on a train ride 20 years ago, but minutes before we were to board, Travis had his first seizure and he was rushed to the Shriners Hospital for children. Seven years later he would have a seizure while driving and lose his life at 22. I am very thankful my first train experience turned out to be so wonderful and brought some nice memories of Travis. I am a really big believer in fate, and I also know God watches over me. When I arrived at the station, a guy was wearing a hat with TB on it, similar to how Travis would write his initials. I even took a picture because I was taken aback. Random guy with a TB hat - DeLand train station Then hearing about the loss of Orlanda's 29 year old son—what are the odds? Then noticing how Ty reminds me of Travis in a few ways—his excitement, his energy, and his mannerisms. After learning they were making a movie, it brought back thoughts of Travis' auditions and watching him express himself creatively. All of them including the camera guy brought me flashes of Travis, and I am so thankful they chose today to be at the station to work on their movie. I like the premise based on that one scene! Travis 22 September 1989 - 04 February 2012 The people I met are, without a doubt, Amazing! It reminds me what I used to tell my customers at Amazon—they only route me the best customers. Perhaps Amtrak only sits me with the best people! Hmm. AMazing-AMazon-AMtrak—In Exodus 3:14, God did say, "I AM who I AM."...‘I AM has sent me to you.’" You will not be able to convince me otherwise. Understand, I do not actively look for what some will call coincidences, I just see things and my brain automatically and instantly finds a pattern or a connection. Weird, right? I forgot, did I tell you why it is called DeLand? Because it is not DeOcean! Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Daniel 4:2 It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me.

Last week, I blocked Patrick on social media, again. Not to keep him from seeing my posts—Facebook warns me he still can through other profiles—but to put a barrier between us. A barrier to keep me from seeing his profile. Stopping me from waiting, wondering, or watching for something that will not come. In the last two weeks during my train trip, I have met so many kind people. Strangers, really—but many have shown more empathy and care in brief conversations than I ever received from him. He was lacking the one thing I most needed—compassion. Patrick had many traits I once thought were essential. But I now realize I never prioritized the most vital one: empathy. That was the root of most of our conflict. I live with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. When I struggled, I did not need solutions—I needed presence. A gentle word. A kind response. Instead, I was having to constantly defend my need to step away, which only made the anxiety worse. Although something he said or didn't say may have triggered a thought, it usually had nothing to do with him directly—a concept Patrick could not grasp nor accept. I was often left to manage my anxiety and the additional conflict alone. One defining moment happened in May 2022, not even three months into the relationship. He said: “I’m glad I don’t need to try anymore.” I questioned him, and he told me I misunderstood. Maybe I did—but his actions afterward supported what he said. He stopped trying. I didn’t. He was sick of hearing about my anxiety, and even said he didn't treat me like I had anxiety—no kidding, that is the reason I had to keep mentioning it! I showed up every day. I intended to try for the rest of my life. Because relationships require effort. They require showing up on hard days. They require the willingness to understand each other, even when it is uncomfortable or inconvenient. I spent many hours working with a professional to understand and work through some of the challenges I faced such as the fear of being on camera, which was a lifelong fear from way back in grade school. Patrick did not understand at all—later even making fun of me for taking months to be on camera. These remarks still circulate through my head. There were little things—like when I shared the Māori word for autism, “takiwātanga,” as a way to help him understand me. It means “in their own time and space.” Instead of appreciating it, he began using it to describe himself. Another time, I was overwhelmed because my plants were dying. I thought he could help me—he knew about gardening. Instead of encouragement or guidance, he responded with criticism and indifference. There were many moments like that. No, I do not pray for punishment. I pray that God softens his heart. That he comes to understand the difference between having a relationship with God and having a relationship with the Jehovah’s Witness organization. Right now, what he has is not a relationship with God at all—it is a relationship with JW, guised as something spiritual. God is not found in rules, control, or appearances. He is found everywhere—in connection, compassion, and truth. I pray that one day Patrick sees the difference and chooses God Himself. Not only for the promise of eternal life, but for how God wants us to live this life—with kindness, love, and accountability. God presented him with a good woman—someone who loved him, stood by him, and only wanted connection and understanding. God does not miss anything. One day, Patrick will have to answer for how he treated me throughout our relationship. I was discarded like yesterday’s trash, but I am not trash. I am someone who loves deeply, gives her best, and still believes love is worth the work. Hebrews 4:13 "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

Thanks to my experience on the last train, I was pretty confident I would be able to navigate this train. I was on train 27/7 the Empire Builder. This train must have been one of the originals. It was pretty old compared to the train earlier in the day, but still not bad. The facilities were a bit older, and the train cars were not shiny and new, but none of it really detracted from this adventure. We were headed northwest from Chicago through Wisconsin and Minnesota. We continued west through North Dakota and Montana hugging the Canadian border. Once we reached Idaho, we headed southwest to Oregon through Washington State, ultimately stopping on Portland. There were a lot of Amish on this train. The kids were running back and forth between train cars, I was sitting close to one of the doors, so it became an issue after hearing the doors open and close for hours. In addition, children under 12 were supposed to be accompanied by an adult, but they were often alone. Another rule to keep your shoes on was broken on several occasions. In addition, they brought a sick child with a fever on board potentially putting all passengers at risk. The train attendant came around spraying disinfectant, but I am not sure if it was helpful at all. Another passenger I was standing next to started yelling at one of the Amish adults. The passenger was quite rude and I didn't agree with how he was speaking to another person. I spoke to the Amish man when we were outside and explained how I was feeling. I also told him I was sorry he was spoken to so disrespectfully. When the fresh air break was finished and we were back on board, the children seemed to settle down. I talked to another Amish couple and they quickly claimed they were not part of the Amish of Minneapolis! They were headed west to do some sightseeing. With every question I asked, the wife would look at the husband for possible approval before answering. We had a meaningful chat and I wished them well. I finally fell asleep, but when I woke, there was an Amish woman asleep in the aisle seat beside me. I couldn't get out of my seat, and hoped she would wake up at some point. After an hour, I had to wake her so I could use the restroom! I felt really bad even though she didn't seem to mind. Before I knew it, the large Amish group departed, and the train car would have few passengers for the remainder of this segment. KayKay was the train attendant and she stayed fairly busy taking care of her assigned cars. At one point during the trip, I started getting congested, but was not exactly sure what was causing this reaction. Could it be the a/c that they seem to always run on high? Or could it be from some of the food, even though it didn't seem to bother me the prior day. The only other thing it could be air quality and dust. I noticed the vent was quite dirty, so I decided to clean it when I didn't see KayKay for sometime. It really made a huge difference, coincidence or not, it looked a lot better! I didn't have a seatmate for the majority of my time on this segment of my trip. During the fresh air breaks, I met a few people and learned a bit about them each. A man named Mark was really sweet, and noticed I missed a break. At the start of the next breaks, he would come up to my seat to see if I was headed outside. He was an engineer for the railroad around thirty years. Not the engineer that ran the train, but in the engineering field. He helped build eleven water treatment plants due to legislation put in place in the seventies. Prior to then, trains would just dump their waste onto the ground which would seep into the earth and into waterways. It was always really interesting and enjoyable chatting with him during our short breaks. I met a woman travelling alone to Whitefish, MT. just sightseeing. She was a married grandmother and nurse from Ohio. She explained that she has taken quite a few of these trips and at each of her stops she would walk around town to various places of interest. She had a real positive vibe and a bubbly personality. Another woman I met was Candy. Sadly, she has lived a troubled life with drugs, run-ins with the law, and poor relationship choices. I found her crying in the vestibule, so I stayed with her. She really needed someone to talk to and a hug. She was able to calm down and think a bit more rationally. She decided to leave the train at an earlier stop for her safety. God bless her. We were lucky enough to see Glacier National Park before sundown. I went to the crowded observation car for this scenic part of the trip at the urging of the conductor. A woman sitting alone motioned for me to sit down on the other side of her table. I turned and saw a man looking around, so I motioned for him to sit beside me. My two new friends were Jackie and Randy. Jackie was from Minnesota, but was born and raised in Chicago. When she got married and was ready to raise a family, they moved to Minnesota for a better life. Randy was also from Minnesota and going to Idaho to visit his brother for a week. They would drive back with a pit stop for his nephew's graduation. He really looked forward to this visit. His brother has lived in northern Idaho for over 40 years and absolutely loves it. Randy has only one regret, he has yet to see a grizzly bear during his visits! After enjoying this small scenic tour, I went back to my seat. This leg of my trip was nearly 48 hours. I really enjoyed the interactions with the other passengers and the crew. I spoke with Nikki, one of the conductors. She told me about her job and some of the duties she had to carry out. As if she already knew me, she gave me a Jr Conductor pin when I gave her one of my blog cards! It truly is one of the highlights of my trip! We would get to Portland, and things would start to go downhill. To Be Continued... Portland to Sacramento