When I took my first train ride, I met a group of college students making a movie on the train platform at my destination. Before it was over, I had learned most of their names before we went our separate ways. It began this way: shortly after arriving, a guy from the group named Brayden approached me and asked if an actor could share the bench with me. As I am really trying to act from my heart and not from my anxiety, I agreed. I later noticed one of the tattoos Brayden had on his leg really stuck out in a meaningful way. It was the word now inked as N:OW, resembling the time on a digital clock. I found it really profound and timely—so to speak. Since Travis' death, I have thought about getting a tattoo in his memory because he loved tattoos. The first tattoos Travis got appeared to be random letters on his knuckles, but when his knuckles were interlocked, it spelled out "PUNK ROCK," which was meaningful to him as a drummer, but it did not resonate with me. However, the N:OW tattoo really represents many of my thoughts. People get tattoos for a variety of personal, cultural, and artistic reasons. For some, tattoos serve as a form of self-expression, representing their beliefs, passions, or life experiences. Others choose tattoos to honor loved ones, mark significant life events, or serve as reminders of personal growth and resilience. In many cultures, tattoos have deep traditional or spiritual meanings, symbolizing status, identity, or protection. Some people get tattoos simply for the aesthetic appeal, appreciating the artistry and creativity involved. Regardless of the reason, tattoos often hold deep personal significance and can be a permanent reflection of one’s journey, values, or memories. I do not think the time is N:OW for me to get a tattoo, but I will remember the message. Oddly enough, on the train ride back, I had mentioned that I hoped to do something before the world took me out or God called me home. My seatmate told me I had plenty of time given my age. That is when I shared my age and rattled off some of the deaths I grieve, listing their relationship to me and their ages. My son, 22. My neighbor, 16. My best girl friends, 62, 52. My best guy friend, 43. My first husband, 53 and his wife 53. Five classmates, 54, 60, 60, 59, 61. I looked at him hoping my point was getting across—no one knows how much time they have left. I feel a sense of urgency when I think of things that are important to me, such as time spent with others. The time really is N:OW. Conversations like that remind me why people create bucket lists—to make sure they do not leave important things undone. In case you do not know, a "bucket list" is a list of experiences, goals, or achievements that a you want to accomplish in your lifetime. The term comes from the phrase "kick the bucket," meaning things to do before passing away. Bucket lists can include travel destinations, personal milestones, skills to learn, possessions or meaningful activities, such as reconnecting with old friends or making a difference in someone's life. A bucket list can be in writing or just in your memory. Writing down a bucket list is generally better than keeping it in memory because it helps clarify your goals, keeps you accountable, and allows you to track progress. A written list serves as a reminder, making it easier to prioritize and take action. It can also be revised as your interests change. However, keeping a bucket list in your memory is fine if you prefer a more flexible and spontaneous approach. You may not like the pressure of a formal list and would rather focus on meaningful moments as they come. If you find writing things down helpful for motivation, a physical or digital list may be useful. If you prefer a more open-ended approach, keeping it in your memory is okay too. Creating a bucket list can be a motivating way to focus on what truly matters to you. It can help you prioritize your dreams and take action toward fulfilling them. You might want to create long, detailed lists, or you may prefer a few meaningful goals. A bucket list can evolve over time as interests change or new opportunities arise. Whether it is skydiving, writing a book, or simply watching a sunset in a special place, a bucket list serves as a reminder to live with intention and make the most of the time available. Ultimately, every aspect of a bucket list depends on what works best for you. In the end, whether written down or kept in memory, a bucket list is a reminder that time is limited, and the moments that matter should not be postponed. Meeting Brayden and seeing his N:OW tattoo reinforced the importance of acting in the present rather than waiting for the perfect time. Life is unpredictable, and no one knows how much time they have left. There is no perfect moment to start living fully. While I may not be ready for a tattoo, I carry the message with me. The time to cherish connections, pursue dreams, and embrace what truly matters is not someday, but the present—it is N:OW. James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

In my previous post , I talked about the difficult decision I have to make regarding how to travel to Kansas for my grandson’s celebration. While the idea of taking a train across the country seems appealing, I have never been on a train before. I decided it would be best to test it out with a shorter trip first. This will give me the chance to experience the train ride, get a sense of what it will be like—the comfort, the rhythm, and the overall atmosphere. I hope it will help me feel more confident with the idea of taking a longer train adventure in the future. The trip I have planned is short, but I hope it will provide me with enough insight to make the right decision for the bigger trip ahead. I will be taking this trip in a couple of days. The train station is about an hour away, but I think my car will be fine parked there for this little day jaunt. The total cost of the ticket is $18. Although this is an extra expense, I believe it is a wise investment in my future. The train ride is about 45 minutes each way, and I will spend about four hours in the town before returning. For this trip, I will be taking two different trains. The first segment of the journey will be on the Floridian , and my return trip will be on the Silver Meteor . This will give me the opportunity to experience two different train services and get a better idea of what train travel is like. Unfortunately, neither have double-level cars to experience. The Floridian The Floridian is a long-distance passenger train operated by Amtrak, providing daily service between Chicago, Illinois, and Miami, Florida, via Washington, D.C. This route was introduced on November 10, 2024, as a temporary combination of the Capitol Limited and Silver Star trains. The Floridian offers a direct connection between the Midwest and Florida, catering to passengers seeking a comfortable and scenic journey. Route and Major Stops Chicago, IL: Starting point in the Midwest. Washington, D.C.: A significant midway hub. Miami, FL: Final destination in the Southeast. Floridian makes stops in Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. Amenities These amenities aim to provide a memorable and comfortable journey for passengers. Single-level Amfleet and Viewliner cars Spacious Seating: Comfortable seats with ample legroom. Free basic WiFi Sleeping Accommodations: Private rooms for overnight travel. Dining Car: Offers a variety of meals, snacks, and beverages. Lounge Car: A space to relax and socialize. The Silver Meteor The Silver Meteor is another long-distance passenger train operated by Amtrak, running between New York City and Miami, Florida. Introduced in 1939, it was the first diesel-powered streamliner between these two cities and has a rich history of service. Route and Major Stops New York, NY: Starting point in the Northeast. Philadelphia, PA: A major urban center. Baltimore, MD: Known for its harbor. Washington, D.C.: The nation's capital. Savannah, GA: Historic coastal city. Jacksonville, FL: Major city in northern Florida. DeLand, FL: This is the closest station for me. Orlando, FL: Home to numerous attractions. Miami, FL: Final destination in the Southeast. The entire trip from NY to Miami takes about 28 hours covering a diverse range of landscapes and cities. Amenities These amenities are designed to ensure a pleasant and convenient travel experience. Silver Meteor features Viewliner equipment. Free basic WiFi Coach Class: Reclining seats with tray tables and reading lights. Roomettes and Bedrooms: Private accommodations with options for bathrooms. Dining Car: Provides meals prepared onboard for sleeper car passengers. Café Car: Available to all passengers, offering snacks and beverages. Conclusion As I prepare for this trip, I feel a mix of anxiety, excitement and curiosity about the experience ahead. While it is a short ride compared to the long journey I may take to Kansas, it is a valuable opportunity to get a feel for what train travel entails. This short trip will allow me to understand the pace, the comforts, and the details of train rides like the Floridian and Silver Meteor. By the time I finish, I will have a clearer idea of whether this is a travel style I could embrace for the larger trip to my grandson’s graduation. With the knowledge I gain from this experience, I will be more prepared to make the right choice for the future—one step at a time. Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

I recently encountered a song that resonated deeply with its powerful message of reclaiming identity, breaking free from the past, and standing boldly in one’s truth. The lyrics spoke of integrity, authenticity, and light. However, my experience engaging with the creator of this song left me questioning whether their actions reflected the values they so eloquently expressed. The act left me confused and, honestly, a bit disappointed. Here are key points from the song and how their unkindness stood in stark opposition: “I summon my spirit; my power returns. No force may tether, no shadow may hold.” These words speak of freedom and truth, yet when I respectfully reached out to suggest writing a post about their song—or offered them the chance to share their voice—they silenced me by deleting my comment. Their act felt like the very tethering and shadow they claimed to rise above. “I unchain my heart, I rewrite the song.” They sang of unchaining and rewriting, yet their action denied collaboration and shut down a potential connection. How does one embrace openness while rejecting a simple gesture of admiration? “I stand in protection, a fortress of light.” A fortress of light suggests kindness, protection, and inclusivity. But deleting a comment from someone who only wanted to celebrate their work feels more like a closed gate than a beacon of welcome. “In silence, I find the voice I ignored.” This line emphasizes the importance of listening, yet their dismissal of my comment showed no effort to hear or engage. Actions like these undermine the very value of finding one’s voice. “I shine in my presence, unwavering, free.” To shine in presence means to embody grace and authenticity. Dismissing a kind offer does not align with freedom or unwavering strength; it reflects fear or disregard. “Each word that I speak, each step that I take, ripples with purpose, with worlds that I make.” Their words indeed ripple, but so do their actions. By rejecting a small act of goodwill, they created ripples of disconnection and discouragement—hardly the world-building their lyrics suggest. Their song paints a picture of transformation and empowerment, and perhaps it does reflect their truth. But in that moment, their behavior contradicted the meaning so beautifully woven into their lyrics. Kindness and acknowledgment cost nothing, yet they have immeasurable impact. It is a reminder that words are only as meaningful as the actions that follow them—actions speak louder than words. Why silence someone who wanted to amplify and appreciate the very spirit of the song? I am sharing this song because its message transcends the actions of its creator. The words speak of reclaiming identity, breaking free from darkness, and standing in the light of truth. These ideals are too powerful and meaningful to be overshadowed by unkindness. While their decision to delete my comment was disheartening, I believe the song itself carries a lesson that should be shared: that we can rise above negativity, honor what inspires us, and let the message of hope and resilience shine even when circumstances challenge our faith in others. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

My grandson’s 8th-grade graduation is coming up, and I need to decide how I will get from Florida to Kansas. It is not a simple choice. Each option—flying, driving, or taking the train—has its own set of pros and cons, and my anxiety makes the decision even more complicated. I want to be there for this important milestone, but I also want to travel in a way that feels manageable and safe for me. Option 1: Flying Flying is the fastest way to get there, but it comes with its own challenges. I am at about the same distance from five different airports, and each has its own advantages and drawbacks The biggest airport with the cheapest flights is an hour and a half away from my house, and taking a ride to and from the airport last time cost me $160. If I drive myself, I will still have to pay for gas, tolls, and parking, which would add up to the same. My son has kindly offered to buy my plane ticket, which is around $350, and to cover a hotel stay since it is always busy in his house, but I am welcome to stay there if I would like. However, I would still have to deal with airport security, crowded planes, and the stress of flying itself. Once I land, there is another nearly three-hour car ride to his house, which he would have to drive four times! Car rental is too expensive right now. Edit: I just checked again and the round trip flight has increased in 6 days to $466 total Pros Flying: Fastest travel time (only a couple of hours in the air) No wear and tear on my car My son is covering the cost of the ticket and a hotel I would not have to drive myself through heavy traffic Cons Flying: The airport is far, and transportation and/or parking is expensive Security lines, delays, and general airport stress A nearly three-hour car ride after the flight and on return I have always had a lot of anxiety when flying There have been a lot of recent aviation incidents in the US https://www.faa.gov/newsroom/statements/accident_incidents Option 2: Driving Years ago, I would have driven without hesitation. A road trip was an adventure, and I did not mind the long hours behind the wheel. Now, I am more nervous about driving even locally, let alone long distances. Traffic has gotten worse, and the thought of getting into an accident worries me. If something happened to my car, I could not afford a costly repair. Medical bills from an injury would be another concern. My son has offered to pay for my gas, so the cost itself is not the issue. The bigger problem is whether I feel comfortable driving over 21 hours covering 1,400 miles over a two day period, stopping at a hotel which is costly or napping at rest areas, but that may be a little risky particularly at night. Then doing it all again five days later. Pros Driving: No airport hassles or security lines My son would cover gas costs I could stop when and where I wanted No need to rely on anyone for transportation Cons Driving: 21+ hours of driving and my car is 19 years old. Increased risk of an accident or car trouble Hotel costs if I break up the trip Safety risk of stopping for fuel, lodging or food in unfamiliar towns Heavy traffic or construction in certain areas would add stress Crossing bridges by car makes me nervous even in great conditions Option 3: Train Amtrak has a deal where I could buy a $499 USA rail pass that allows ten legs of travel across the country. Getting to my grandson’s graduation would take two legs. I could also visit my brother in Colorado for another leg. I could either return home to Florida using two more or travel out to San Francisco, California, for instance, using two legs, then return home to Florida using 2 - 3 legs There are many possibilities, but the pass must be used within 30 days after the first use. The downside is the time commitment and expense considering I have never been on a train. I wouldn't be able to actually do anything on the extended trip, but just seeing the sights by train would be exciting for me. The train ride to Kansas would take over 50 hours, making it the longest option by far. I would have to deal with layovers, transfers, and unpredictable delays at train stations in major cities. I have no idea how comfy the seats are, but sleeping on a train in front of others may not be ideal. I do not sleep much, so being awake when others are trying to sleep could be awkward. Pros Train: No stress of driving through big cities or flying The rail pass offers flexibility for more travel It would be nice to visit with my youngest brother I could make extra trips within a month More space to move around compared to a plane The train station is in the town where I used to live Cons Train: I would need to find a ride or a place to park my car Takes more than two days to get there Arrival and departure in Kansas (Nebraska) is after midnight The trains station is 1 hour 30 Min (closer than the airport) Sleeping on a train may not be ideal Layovers and transfers could be stressful Unpredictable delays could affect my schedule A train crossing a long bridge over water would be terrifying. Train robberies may seem like a thing of the past, but the thought still crosses my mind, especially on long, unfamiliar routes. It could happen! The Decision My biggest concerns are cost, mental comfort, and safety. While my son is willing to help financially, I need to choose what feels best for me. I can bring food on the train and in my car, and I hope I can save up some extra eating money. No matter how I get there, I know I will be proud to see my grandson graduate—it is a big deal where he lives. I have not seen my grandkids since 2019, but at least I am able to talk with them on the phone. My son already let me know that in two years my granddaughter will be graduating 8th grade (2027). Then two years after, my grandson will graduate high school (2029), followed in two years by my granddaughter graduating high school (2031). If God does not have other plans, 2031 year will be a milestone birthday for me. My trip will start in mid May, and what ever works this year may not work at all in two, four or six years. Each option has its challenges, and I am weighing them carefully. The plane is fast, but extremely stressful especially during takeoff and landing. There is also quite a concern and cost getting to and from the airport on both ends. The train is an adventure, but it will be a long trip. I can envision it in my brain, but it is possible I have a romanticized idea of travelling the country. Driving gives me control, but also brings anxiety. My current thoughts in order are train, automobile, and plane. If I was travelling with someone, it would be the train ride without a doubt. Going outside everyday for the last 157 days is preparing me for this trip! I just need to calm the nerves and really decide which option works best for me and figure out the best way to make that happen. I am very grateful to even be given this chance to visit them—I hope I do not let them down. More importantly, I hope I do not let myself down. Psalm 121:8 "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

When my middle son was a freshman in high school, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. Before we understood what was happening, it felt like an endless battle just to keep him awake. He would fall asleep in class, no matter how much sleep he got the night before. He would doze off on the city bus, sometimes missing his stop entirely. One of the most telling moments was at his brother’s wedding reception, where he fell asleep on the floor in the middle of the celebration. No matter how much I tried to keep him engaged or moving, the exhaustion would take over. Mornings were even worse. Waking him up felt impossible. He would barely open his eyes before slipping right back into sleep. At first, I thought it was defiance or laziness. I tried everything—early bedtimes, loud alarms, shaking him awake, even consequences for being late. Nothing worked. Before his diagnosis, I was frustrated and exhausted, feeling like I was constantly fighting against him. It was only after his sleep study and further testing at the epilepsy clinic that we finally had answers. When I realized that he was not choosing this, my approach shifted. I stopped seeing it as something he could control and started responding with more compassion and understanding. Understanding Narcolepsy: How It Affects You Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder that affects the brain’s ability to regulate sleep-wake cycles. It is not simply a case of feeling tired during the day. It is a serious medical condition that can impact nearly every aspect of your life, from work and relationships to your safety and emotional well-being. Watching someone you care about live with narcolepsy can be confusing, frustrating, and even frightening at times. You might see them struggle to stay awake during conversations, suddenly lose muscle control when laughing, or experience terrifying hallucinations that feel real to them but are invisible to you. It can be difficult to understand why they seem exhausted no matter how much they sleep or why they suddenly need to nap in the middle of the day. You may feel helpless when they miss out on important moments, withdraw from social activities, or battle frustration over their unpredictable symptoms. It is easy to assume they are just not trying hard enough, but narcolepsy is not about willpower—it is a neurological disorder they have no control over. The best thing you can do is be patient, educate yourself, and offer support. Understanding their condition can make a world of difference, helping them feel less alone in a battle they never chose to fight. What Happens When You Have Narcolepsy? If you have narcolepsy, you may experience extreme daytime sleepiness, no matter how much rest you get at night. You might struggle to stay awake in situations where most people would have no difficulty, such as while talking, eating, or even driving. The need to sleep can become overwhelming, and you may have little control over when these episodes happen. Another symptom you might experience is cataplexy, which is a sudden loss of muscle control triggered by strong emotions. Laughter, excitement, anger, or even surprise can cause your knees to buckle, your head to drop, or your body to collapse. Even though you are fully conscious, you are unable to move for a brief period. Some people experience mild cataplexy, such as slight muscle weakness in the face, while others may have severe episodes where they completely lose muscle tone. You may also have episodes of sleep paralysis, which happen when you wake up or fall asleep and are temporarily unable to move or speak. These episodes can last from a few seconds to a couple of minutes. Sometimes, sleep paralysis is accompanied by hallucinations, which are vivid, dream-like images or sounds that seem real. These can be terrifying, making it feel like someone or something is in the room with you when no one is actually there. The Daily Impact of Narcolepsy Living with narcolepsy can be extremely challenging. The unpredictability of sleep attacks and cataplexy can make daily tasks more difficult. You might struggle with concentration, memory, and overall productivity. Simple tasks that require sustained attention, such as reading or watching a movie, may become frustrating because of frequent drowsiness. Narcolepsy can also affect your emotional well-being. You may feel isolated if others do not understand your condition. People might assume you are just lazy, uninterested, or not trying hard enough. The emotional toll of constantly fighting sleep, dealing with cataplexy, and struggling with brain fog can lead to frustration, anxiety, or depression. Your social life and relationships may also suffer. You might avoid certain activities because you fear falling asleep unexpectedly or experiencing cataplexy in front of others. Friends and family may not fully grasp what you are going through, making it difficult to explain why you suddenly need to sleep or why your body reacts the way it does to emotions. How to Manage Narcolepsy Although there is no cure for narcolepsy, treatment and lifestyle changes can help manage symptoms. A combination of medication, scheduled naps, and good sleep habits can make a significant difference. Medications : Stimulants and other prescription drugs can help you stay awake and reduce cataplexy episodes. Scheduled Naps : Short, planned naps throughout the day can improve alertness and help you function better. Consistent Sleep Schedule : Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day can help regulate your body’s natural rhythms. Diet and Exercise : A healthy lifestyle can reduce fatigue and improve overall well-being. Support System : Educating friends, family, and coworkers about narcolepsy can help them understand your condition and offer support. Narcolepsy is often misunderstood, but it is a real and serious disorder. Recognizing the symptoms and seeking medical advice is the first step toward better management. You are not alone in this, and with the right strategies, you can improve your quality of life. Conclusion This month it will be thirteen years since I lost my son, not a day goes by that I do not think about him. He had narcolepsy, but that was not his demise. He had a seizure while driving, and in an instant, he was gone. Time has passed, but I often think of how he fought against more than just his physical diagnoses—how he battled the darkness inside, and how hard it was to watch him struggle. It is hard to put into words what that kind of loss feels like, but if there is one thing he would want, it is for people to laugh. He had a sharp wit and never missed a chance to make a joke, even about his own struggles. So, in memory of my son, here are a few lines I think he would have loved—because if he could find humor in it, so can we. This is where he would provide either a drumroll 🥁 or an eyeroll 🙄 or both! Narcolepsy prepared him for the afterlife—he was practicing for eternal rest. If there is an afterlife, he probably took a nap on arrival. Death is just the world’s longest sleep study. He always joked that he could sleep through anything—turns out, he was right. At least now, he never has to wake up wondering where he is. He is probably arguing with an angel about why they should let him sleep in. He spent years battling sleep, and now he has all the time in the world to rest. Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

ти си далеч като залеза зад планините you are far like the sunset behind the mountains а аз съм тук в сенките на спомените and I am here in the shadows of memories опитвах се винаги да бъда по-добра I always tried to be better но несъвършенството е моят спътник but imperfection is my companion не вярваш в раните които не се виждат you do not believe in wounds that cannot be seen но болката живее и без очи да я видят but pain lives even without eyes to see it различни сме като деня и нощта we are different like day and night думи се губят между култури и смях words get lost between cultures and laughter вселената слуша когато няма кой друг the universe listens when no one else does мислите намират път дори в тишината thoughts find their way even in silence Translation by ChatGPT for personalized poetry and artistic interpretation.

Tragedy and My Personal Connection I have had a difficult week. Among other things, there was another shooting at a school in Tennessee. I have been reflecting on all of the mass killings that I have a personal connection to, and I decided to write about them to help me sort out my thoughts. Although I am acknowledging that I was not physically present at any of these incidences, I am still deeply affected. In addition to working through my own emotions, I feel a heavy sense of empathy for those who were involved, and I pray they will receive the support they need to process everything happening in their lives. Post-traumatic stress is real, and it can affect you in ways you cannot imagine. Even if you feel fine at the moment, it can manifest years later. I do not know the full extent of how these tragedies have changed me, but they keep piling up, and it is becoming harder for me to want to feel anything at all. When you have stress from multiple traumas, people often do not understand the impact, and many do not care. I am often left to manage the emotions on my own—sometimes my emotions were suppressed. Although therapy is helpful, it does not replace talking to a friend amidst these circumstances. However, when I reach out for support and compassion, but instead receive a flippant response, it forces me to contemplate why I want these people in my life. It only adds to what is already weighing me down—compounding what is churning inside. Encasing my heart in stone to escape feeling the bad will come at the price of missing out on the good, but will avoid an explosion caused by contents under pressure. For me, it is difficult to write a post that doesn't include my life story because there were so many other factors affecting me other than the words on this page. This post is meant to share and reconcile this one aspect of my life and possibly help others dealing with unresolved trauma. I will give a narrative about my perceived connection to an incident, as well as a brief description of the incident itself. I will try to avoid tangents. Going Postal - US Postal Service I started working for the US Postal Service in April of 1986. I studied and practiced for the exam and was really excited when I qualified for the position. Over the next four years there would be three mass shootings including one in a town where my aunt used to live. The postal shootings were becoming more frequent, and based on my own experiences working at the Postal Service and the workplace tensions I had witnessed, I could understand why the shootings happened and they were relatable. However, that does not mean I condoned the actions of the criminal or saw them as justified. When my infant son became very ill and hospitalized in early 1990, along with the environment at the Jackson MS General Mail Facility (GMF), I was at a breaking point and not seeing any way through what I was experiencing, I resigned. I wasn't aware of the impact that these killings were having on my psyche at the time, as I was dealing with so much more in my life. I wish I would have taken advantage of the counseling that was offered at the time of each tragedy, but I was already suffering from anxiety that kept me from advocating for myself, and no one else thought to step in to help. Edmond, Oklahoma Postal Shooting (August 20, 1986) A postal worker opened fire at the Edmond Post Office, killing 14 coworkers and injuring six others before taking his own life. This incident was one of the first in a series of workplace shootings within the U.S. Postal Service, eventually leading to the term “going postal.” New Orleans, Louisiana Postal Shooting (December 14, 1988) A disgruntled postal employee entered the New Orleans Post Office and shot his supervisor, killing her, before turning the gun on himself. This tragedy was part of a string of violent incidents involving postal workers during the late 1980s. Escondido, California Postal Shooting (August 10, 1989) A postal worker killed his supervisor and wounded two coworkers at a post office in Escondido, California, before fleeing the scene. The shooter was later captured and sentenced to prison. A School Shooting and My Oldest Child This connection also starts in 1986 although the shooting happened years later. I started working for the Postal Service, got married, and bought a house. Our initial town of choice was Pearl Mississippi. The school system was shown to be one of the best in the area, and the town was a reasonable commute to both of our workplaces. After many showings, we found a house we loved,, and put in an offer. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we could not get FHA financing due to the house not having a back door. We subsequently found a nice property with acreage in a town further away, but had we purchased that house, my oldest son likely would have been a sophomore at the school when the shooting occurred. I strongly believe we would not have left Mississippi five years later, if we would have purchased the house in Pearl. Even though my oldest son was still in harm's way and was traumatized during 1997, it was not at the hands of an unstable teenager. Perhaps this is an example of an unanswered prayer and of destiny. Pearl High School Shooting, Mississippi (October 1, 1997) A 16-year-old student killed his mother at home before driving to Pearl High School, where he opened fire. Two students were killed, and seven others were injured. The shooter was subdued by the assistant principal, who retrieved his own firearm from his car. A Serial Killer and My Teammate and Neighbor By 1997, I was living in a suburb of Nashville. My oldest son was being kept against my will in NY, and I was doing my best I could with my two youngest sons. I played softball through a church team, and Sarah and I were teammates and next door neighbors. I played on 3rd base, and Sarah was an amazing shortstop, always encouraging and helpful—especially since my lack of depth perception made fly balls difficult to navigate. We had lived in our house for nearly three years, and Sarah was an active teenager involved in church, sports and a job, yet she still found time to babysit my children on occasion. A few weeks before her 17th birthday in 1997, Sarah, along with her boss Steve, were murdered by a serial killer. I found it extremely difficult to process, and I started a website on AOL to help find her killer. The support I got from Sarah's family, my friend Carrie, as well as strangers across the country really helped me through this time. This was a hard time for everyone in our community knowing a killer was on the loose. Several more murders would occur at two other fast food restaurants before the killer was captured. I was traumatized from these tragic events for sure, and I tried to stay busy to help me cope, but I was dealing with more than what was on the surface, and it would eventually take its toll. Fast Food Murders, Nashville/Hermitage/Clarksville (February - April 1997) A killer committed a series of murders targeting employees of fast-food restaurants. Among the incidents were killings at Captain D’s, McDonald’s, and Baskin Robbins where a total of seven people lost their lives and another seriously injured. The serial killer was eventually convicted and sentenced to death. Shootings and My Old Neighborhood These next two shootings happened within a mile of where I used to live. In 2005, after my husband retired, we had to give up our house and move. We found a nice house, but it wound up only being available for a year, so we had to move again. With my two youngest both being in high school, there were a lot of considerations where to move. We found another really nice property, and things were going well—until they weren't. Travis, my middle son, started having seizures and the frequency was steadily increasing into 2006. I was enrolled at Tennessee State University with graduation expected at the end of the year. During the summer, I was chosen as an intern at the Inter-university Consortium for Political and Social Research (ICPSR) in Michigan for 10 weeks. By September, Travis was having seizures several times a week, and I had to make a decision to withdraw from my studies. In addition, the property we were living at was being sold to a commercial developer, and we had to move, again. Not only did the following shootings occur in close proximity to our old address, I resonate with each place, a church and waffle house, for a different reason. In the early days of cell phones, my husband would often laugh at me when I told him I needed my phone in church. I would not use it, but I wanted to be prepared in case of an actual emergency. When I worked for the tree service, we would eat at waffle house most days. It is difficult to understand why these shootings have affected me even though I wasn't living there at the time—it really shows me that my life can end anywhere. It also reinforces in me that God always has my best interest in mind. Burnette Chapel Church Shooting, Antioch, Tennessee (September 24, 2017) A gunman entered the Burnette Chapel Church of Christ during Sunday services, killing one woman in the parking lot and injuring seven others inside. The shooter was stopped by a churchgoer who tackled him despite being injured in the attack. Waffle House Shooting, Antioch, Tennessee (April 22, 2018) A gunman armed with an assault-style rifle entered a Waffle House and killed four people while injuring two others. A customer, James Shaw Jr., tackled and disarmed the shooter, preventing further casualties. A School Shooting and My Youngest Child Starting in 2003, I became a substitute teacher in Nashville and continued employment in Tennessee until 2015, but continued as a substitute in Florida beginning in 2014. It turns out that the shooter went to the same high school as my youngest son, and it is likely I had this killer in some of the classes I taught throughout the years. In addition, one of the victims of this shooting was a 61 year old substitute teacher, my same age at the time of this tragedy. I had been considering applying to be a substitute again in my new county, but this shooting definitely caused me a lot of concern and delayed my decision to apply by a year. Many of the schools in Florida have outdoor corridors and classroom doors whereas in Tennessee the classrooms, including the hallways, are self contained inside the building. From a safety standpoint, it was always a concern for me, but I tried not to let anxiety take over. This shooting just shows the setup of the school does not matter, a killer will gain entry regardless of indoor or outdoor entry or any security measures. Covenant School Shooting, Nashville, Tennessee (March 27, 2023) A shooter entered the Covenant School, a private Christian elementary school, and killed six people, including three children. The shooter was later confronted and killed by law enforcement officers. A School Shooting and My Middle Child The most recent school shooting happened this past week. It is on the same street where we lived and in the same neighborhood as the church and waffle house, and also where my middle son graduated. I have been in and around that school hundreds of times. I recently told my doctor that I gave up on the idea of becoming a substitute after failing the drug test even though I have a medical card. This latest shooting really drives home the point that I do not need the added anxiety of teaching in my life. I texted my youngest son as soon as I saw the report. At the time of this shooting, my son happened to be at a home in this school district for his job, and they have a teenager that attends Antioch High, but he was home sick. How fortunate for him. As a parent, it would be difficult sending my child back to school after this tragic event. You have to be prepared to leave this world at any time, but you cannot live in fear. I have a beautiful scrapbook that my son made under the direction of a teacher at this school. I see it daily, and often think of how grateful I am for this wonderful teacher. Not only was this a year long assignment, it is amazing that my son was able to complete it given he missed a lot of days due to his seizures. Considering I would lose my son five years after graduation, this memory book is a gift I could not have anticipated. After my son's death, I went to the school and thanked the teacher for this meaningful keepsake. Antioch High School Shooting, Tennessee (January 22, 2025) A student opened fire in the cafeteria of Antioch High School, wounding two students before turning the gun on himself. The school was placed on lockdown, and authorities responded swiftly to secure the scene. While the details of the incident are still emerging, it has added to the growing list of violent incidents in schools across the country. Conclusion There are so many killings throughout the world, and I am thankful that my personal connection to these killings are not based on first hand involvement, but more linked by circumstance. I am sure the impact on me could be perceived as minimal compared to losing a family member, witnessing a shooting or even being at the location at the time of the killing. However, these shootings have affected me and are involuntarily stored in my memory along with so many other negative memories. One of the most difficult and significant losses from my last relationship is when he spoke of his memories, they began to inadvertently stir up my own good memories—memories that are rare for me. Having the experience of jarring my memory in a good way, only to be lost again, is especially painful. Writing this post has really made me understand that we view our breakup so differently, and my loss is not only that I lost him, but I lost what he was helping me find within myself. Therapy today also gave me insight on how memories are stored, and maybe I just need to change my filing system. This has been a great breakthrough. I hope now that I have written about these tragic events, I can separate them from any good memories that are related—storing these tragedies in their own little area of my brain away from the positive memories that have been overshadowed by darkness from the world. Psalm 18:28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

In this fourth part, I am continuing my journey down memory lane! We are making a move from Mississippi to Tennessee. Sometimes I go off on a tangent, almost like following a rabbit down a hole. Other times, I just get sidetracked by how much my kids and I have been through and I lose focus on the topic—neighbors. I get overwhelmed with emotion when I think back to this chapter in my life and I am thankful for the people that were there, even if it was for a brief moment in time. Let's get on the road! It's time for this was just passing through Mississippi Girl to Waltz into Tennessee with my family now including three boys. A new job opportunity for my husband was taking us 400 miles northeast to Tennessee. The house sold quickly, and before we knew it, our life was packed up and loaded onto a truck. We set off for a new state, with new neighbors, ready to start the next chapter as a Volunteer. In this post, there will be a lot of overlap, and back and forth with time, over a period of 13 years, as I introduce some of the people that had an impact on my life at the first two addresses I lived at in Tennessee. Moving to a town that was steadily growing, but still maintained its small-town charm seemed like a good option. It had a mix of older neighborhoods and newer areas, with a university at its center, bringing a youthful energy and a diverse mix of people. Though the big city wasn’t far, life here was quieter, and it felt like a place where everyone knew each other. Back in 1992, new businesses and developments were just starting to spring up, but it still had that slower, close-knit atmosphere. I don't know if we stayed at a hotel, or when exactly we moved into this new neighborhood. We had a rental for a year, and I remember it was a nice subdivision with community events. The guy next to us had an immaculate yard—a beautiful lush, green lawn. I am having trouble recalling details, but I don't think I participated in the community gatherings. I have a vision in my head of being in a woman's kitchen—the blue and white diamond-patterned glossy tiled floor shimmering in the sunlight—everything in its proper place. I remember bowling, and being asked to become a certified youth coach—which I accepted and completed. I don't recall much else. After leaving the rental when the lease was up, we bought a house in a welcoming suburban community that boasted of two bowling alleys, a skating rink, and an amusement park! This town was made up of mostly older neighborhoods, providing a friendly atmosphere where families connected easily. While close to a busy city, it offered a relaxed atmosphere and a sense of belonging, making it the perfect place to start another chapter in our lives. During my twelve years at this address, I met a lot of people both personally and professionally. Shortly after moving in, there was a major ice storm and all the huge trees surrounding our house became scary and dangerous. When the time was right, I called a tree service, and although it got off to a rocky start, he agreed to take down a few trees on a payment plan which I later learned was not the norm. We immediately hit it off and a couple of years down the line, I would work for him. Although he continued to keep records on a steno book, I created a customer database on the computer for not only record keeping, but to have access to customer information at the touch of a button. I can't and never will be able to express enough thanks for what this man did for me and my family. We would typically start out each workday going to a restaurant to eat breakfast on his dime. Every day while I was working and the boys were in school, he either took me or let me use a vehicle to go to their school as needed, whether it was to administer their medicine or to participate in an awards ceremony, he was always very supportive. I could not have created a better job, or dreamt up a better boss. I feel bad at times because I can't recall many things he talks about involving my family and me. From coming along on family vacations to weekends on the boat to celebrity customers, I get a sense, but no real memory. I am sad I am so far away, and unable to help him now that he is on his own after the passing of his wife a few years back. I am grateful he does a lot with a neighbor and has others checking in on him. Today, as we were talking, he sent me a photo along with permission to share it on this post. With eight decades of life experience behind him, he still defies expectations and embraces the freedom of the open road. While I couldn’t have asked for a better boss, my neighbors also exceeded the best of my imagination. My next door neighbors were an amazing couple with three children a bit older than mine. We attended the same church and they loved my children and supported their activities as I did theirs! Our youngest children even shared the same birthday, ten years apart! Their oldest son would become a marine, then a state trooper. My kids loved when he would come by with his police cruiser. Their youngest son, slightly older than my oldest son's age, played bass in a band  for a while, but now has settled into family life. Their middle child, a daughter, was truly remarkable. We were really close, playing on the same softball team—her shortstop and me third base. One Sunday morning, instead of going to church like she did faithfully, she decided to work her fast food job. She was only sixteen, but it would be her and her manager's last morning to live— a serial killer was on the loose. It was a tragic loss that affects me deeply to this day. When their daughter's life was taken in 1997, a friend and I created scrapbooks for the parents and each of the sons. I am not ashamed to say, I was traumatized. I was a basket case, but wanted to help in any way that I was able. I created a website dedicated to looking for her killer, and met a lot of people both online and off. Thankful, the murderer was finally caught, but not before taking five more lives. Fast forward to 2005. I would move away and our paths rarely crossed. However, in 2011 after years of being away, a few other addresses, and a divorce, I ran into her at the store. It was so good to see her in person! She poked me a little about the parking lot lights going out as they often do when I am near, and did a quick catch up about our kids. Just two months later, I would also lose my middle child, and being reconnected with her really helped. I don't think it was merely a coincidence. Fast forward another twelve years to 2023, when I visited Tennessee for my grandson's birthday, my youngest son and I stopped to see them—still in the same house. It was nice to catch up and meet their youngest grandson, about the same age as my youngest grandson. Rewind back to the mid 90s. My neighbors on the other side were an older couple, much like the older couple from my own childhood—except these neighbors grew tomatoes instead of rhubarb. They loved talking with the boys when they were outside playing. At some point, they converted their downstairs into an apartment and rented it out to a young couple with a toddler. As a welcoming gift, I gave them a boxful of Disney movies on VHS tapes that the boys no longer watched. To the best of my recollection, after the owners passed, this couple bought the home, and disputed the fence line between our houses. In the end, our fence was well within our property line. I do recall not caring for them after this incident. One neighbor across the street had grandkids that attended school with my kids, another was a racecar driver and it wasn't unusual for him to be working on his car in the driveway. Another neighbor on our street always put on a big Halloween display and we would stop and visit with them during this time. She was always so wonderful about supporting the kids in their school or church fundraisers. Other than the road itself, which was a cut through street, it was a nice area for my children to grow up. The first church we attended was at one end of the street with the elementary school being only a block away from the other end of the street. The bowling alleys and skating rink were within a mile from the house. Many of my relationships evolved from church, school and bowling. There were a few other parents that had children close to my boys ages. I also made friends with older people in the church in an attempt to include my husband, 19 years my senior, in activities. We mostly socialized with others during church or school related events. However, if it didn't include the boys or bowling, my husband wasn't interested in socializing! I held yard sales often—it is something I had always enjoyed. It would be amazing to travel the Rt 127 yard sale, a 690 mile trip reaching from Alabama to Michigan, but for now, back to the neighborhood! There was a building within walking distance of our house that I always kept an eye on with dreams of someday having a little junk store. Anxiety, and lack of support, kept that dream from materializing. I remember during one yard sale, I met someone that was looking for things for her stepson that was going to be living with her and her husband fulltime. I gave her a few things, but one item in particular was a hand-crafted wooden rocking elephant that my brother made. Honestly, seeing the elephant triggered flashbacks of memories I was trying to forget. They moved away, and we lost touch. Years later, I got a call from a security company that her alarm was going off and I was her emergency contact. I saw her one time after that when I found her address and made a trip to her house. I don't recall the actual meeting at all. I have wanted to call her, but outgoing phone calls create an overwhelming amount of stress. Her husband, at the time, traveled to churches delivering a message through music and comedy, he has since passed away. I can't go into great detail about everything that unfolded between the mid-1990s to the mid-2000s, but it was a tumultuous period in my life. The world around me was chaotic, and personally, I faced a barrage of significant difficulties. Some memory flashes race through my mind. in no specific order. Losing my grandmother, my oldest son going to live with my parents—only to to be kidnapped and abused, the chaos of 9/11, husband's job loss after a major company bankrupts, five eye surgeries, two suicide attempts, the threat of divorce, five days in jail for a crime I didn’t commit, my middle son’s seizures and my youngest son's mysterious medical ailments—all while I fought to find stability and solutions. My mental health took a toll, and I became increasingly overwhelmed by everything happening around me. I struggled silently, as no one truly understood the weight I carried. After leaving the tree service, I got hired as a substitute teacher. A year later, I enrolled in the university—determined to get my bachelor degree. In what field, I didn't know. It is difficult to express just how little support I received at home. When someone doesn’t value education because of their own experiences, it becomes difficult for them to understand the kind of encouragement and support needed to pursue a degree. Now in 2005, with everything happening in such a short span of time, it’s no wonder I don’t have many detailed memories. I housed all the pain, all the turmoil, all the lies, within my already overburdened mind. I no longer socialized, keeping to myself, withdrawing further as I poured myself into work and school. My husband was able to retire after working an additional three years, but at what cost and at whose expense? We lost our home and we had to move, again—to be continued. 2 Samuel 22:29 "You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light."

Sometimes during a discussion and other times randomly, a thought comes to mind. Today, it was the "importance of importance" and what it could mean. It could refer to how you determine what matters most in life, how you assign meaning or priority to things, and how those choices shape your actions, thoughts, and relationships. What matters is not always what you choose to see, but what you carry quietly tucked beneath layers of routine. You chase moments you call important, mark milestones as if they are maps. Yet meaning shifts like light on water, never fixed never still. You build your days with what you name important. A title, a task, a whispered promise, but who decides what holds weight and what slips away? The world tells you what to cherish, and you listen until the echoes fade. Leaving you to wonder if you ever knew what mattered at all. Perhaps the truth is found in what lingers after silence. In the hands that hold you steady and the hearts you never leave behind. It is not the labels or the lists—not the gold, nor the applause. It is the unseen thread that binds you to life, to love, to meaning. What matters is not always what you seek, but what remains when you finally stop asking. What you hold as vital may drift from another’s grasp and what you set aside could be the foundation of someone else’s world. Importance shifts with time—a fragile weight on ever-changing scales. Yet beneath it all lies a quiet truth. You are the one who chooses what carries you forward. It is not the world that whispers significance, but it is your heart naming what matters. That is the "importance of importance." Introduction Understanding what you deem important in life often shapes your actions, relationships, and mindset. Whether it’s about deciding what to prioritize, recognizing how subjective importance can be, exploring deeper meanings, or reflecting on how these choices affect your mental health, each of these aspects plays a crucial role in how you interact with the world around you. I hope you will find meaning and importance in this post! The Value of Prioritizing It could mean that understanding what you deem important is, in itself, important. People often rush through life without reflecting on their values or priorities. Recognizing why you value certain things helps you make more intentional decisions. 💡 Examples Why do you prioritize work over well-being or well-being over work? Why do you consider some traditions or beliefs more important than others? Are personal connections more valuable than possessions? Is spending time on hobbies you enjoy more important than time with family? The choices you make can influence your relationships and the way you connect with others. The importance lies in questioning the importance you assign to things. The Subjectivity of Importance What’s important to one person might be trivial to someone else. This could highlight that importance is subjective, and being mindful of that could improve empathy, communication, and understanding. 💡 Examples Success might be your priority, while another values simplicity and experiences. You might value knowledge, while someone else sees it as a means to an end. For you, quiet solitude above all else, but others may find comfort in chaos. Tradition may be important to you and your identity, whereas others prioritize innovation and progress. Both perspectives hold importance. The "importance of importance" could mean recognizing that everyone's priorities are valid, even if they differ. Acknowledging that difference makes you more open to other perspectives. Understanding this should help you be more mindful of how having different priorities can shape people's lives—not better or worse—differently. Philosophical Reflection on Meaning On a deeper level, it could explore the nature of meaning itself. Why do humans need things to be important? What happens if you stop assigning importance to anything? Is meaning inherent or created? 💡 Examples Existentialists like Camus and Sartre argued that meaning is something created to avoid existential dread—feelings of despair that can arise when thinking about life. A sense of purpose can give your life structure and direction, but the meaning you assign to things might be entirely of your own making. Certain life events feel life-changing in the moment, but over time, their importance fades, revealing how temporary some meanings can be. You may find that assigning importance to things gives you stability, but the act of letting go of importance can also be freeing. The "importance of importance" might be the need to find meaning in life to feel grounded and purposeful. Why do humans seek purpose at all? What drives our need to feel that life has importance, and what happens if we stop searching for meaning? “One cannot long remain so absorbed in contemplation of emptiness without being increasingly attracted to it. In vain one bestows on it the name of infinity; this does not change its nature. When one feels such pleasure in non-existence, one’s inclination can be completely satisfied only by completely ceasing to exist.” ― Émile Durkheim A Mental Health Perspective It could explore how misplaced importance can lead to anxiety or stress. When you treat things like perfection or external validation as important, you risk mental health consequences. Reflecting on what should hold importance can be a key to clarity. 💡 Examples Do you overvalue productivity? Social media attention? Achievements? You value external achievements to prove your worth. Placing too much importance on external validation can harm your self-esteem when you don’t receive the recognition you expect. When you place importance on productivity at the cost of rest, you risk burnout, affecting both your mental and physical health. When you focus on completing tasks perfectly, but fail to recognize it stems from a need for control, you miss an opportunity to release some of that pressure and accept "good enough." What has helped me is: I still strive for perfection, but I no longer stress too much trying to make something perfect, and when it inevitably is not perfect, I don't fall apart—I just fix it later if I am able. Misplaced priorities can cause you to feel constantly anxious. Reassessing what you find important can bring peace and help you shift toward valuing self-compassion and inner growth instead. Reframing what really matters can help bring balance to your life. Conclusion The "importance of importance" invites you to pause and reflect on what drives your life. The things you value shape your time, your goals, and your relationships, yet how often do you stop to ask why they matter? When you take the time to question what holds importance — and challenge those choices when needed — you gain a clearer understanding of yourself. It’s through this process that you can discover what truly deserves your energy and what you might be holding onto without realizing it. 1 Corinthians 15:3 "For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures"

As I reflect on my past and the scars that remain, there is something I have carried for decades that I can no longer ignore. I was abused and sexually violated throughout my childhood by my father, an experience that shaped me in ways I am still unraveling. Years later, my child also suffered at the hands of the same man—a horror that resulted in my father going to trial for his crimes, and ultimately to jail. Yet through it all, one of my younger brothers, who is now a family court judge, has remained silent. Well not exactly silent—after my father's death, he publicly praised him on social media. Growing up, I had six brothers. In addition to my father, one of my older brothers also violated me during my teenage years. To this day, I do not know if any of my brothers were similarly abused by our father, but if they were, no one has ever spoken about it publicly—at least not to my knowledge. My son and I remain the only ones who have come forward about the abuse we endured. This silence leaves me with unanswered questions and a sense of isolation, as though the burden of this history rests solely on us. My focus for this article is only on my brother that is four years younger than me. When we were growing up, I was the one who took the brunt of the abuse, while it seems my younger brother was shielded from that pain. When he was a baby, my aunt was pushing him in a carriage, and I ran into the road and was struck by a car. At four years old, he got behind the wheel of our family car, and pulled down on the gearshift. The car rolled down the driveway, across the street, and hit the corner of the neighbor's house—I took the blame. I chauffeured him around when I got my license and carried the burden of our father's darkness while he was given the chance to pursue his dreams. He became a lawyer, then a judge, while I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered childhood and twenty years later, face the devastation wrought on my own child. For over forty years, as an adult, he has not spoken a single word of gratitude for the sacrifices I made, whether intentional or circumstantial. Instead, the only time he confronted me about the past was during my grandmother's funeral to accuse me of giving him a smoke of weed when he was twelve—something I do not even recall, though it is possible. If I did, I was just a sixteen-year-old child myself, living in the same toxic environment he was—but, I was trying to survive each and every day. Yet that seems to be the one memory he has chosen to hold onto, rather than acknowledging the horrors I endured or the ways I shielded him from the same fate. During a hardship, I lost the ability to stay connected with my son after this brother convinced me to sign a legal document I didn’t fully understand. My parents then cut off direct communication, and I was only able to reach my son through his school. Much like myself as a child, my son kept quiet about the abuse he was enduring. While my child was being abused over a six year period, my brother lived on the same property as our father, my son's grandfather, yet my brother apparently was unaware of what was happening. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps he was too busy pursuing his career and building his life to notice. But his silence speaks volumes. It is not just about what he did not know then, but it is about what he refuses to acknowledge even now. To make matters worse, my brother aided the defense team during my father’s trial for the abuse of my child. Even when presented with DNA evidence of the crimes, my brother chose to stand by the man who destroyed both my childhood and my son’s. Now, as a judge in family court, he sits in a position where he decides the fate of children. I cannot help but question how someone who has remained silent about the abuse in his own family—someone who hasn’t even acknowledged the pain others endured—can be trusted to make decisions that impact vulnerable children. I recently came across a microcassette labeled “the confrontation with my dad 12/6/93 10:30 pm."  It is a recording of a conversation between my father and me, but I do not remember anything about it—not making the call, not the confrontation itself, not what was said, and not how it ended. Unfortunately, I don’t have a player to listen to it, and given my financial situation, I am unsure if it is worth buying one. If the tape contains an admission, it could be a powerful piece of evidence when I confront my brother, dispelling any claims that I am acting out of jealousy. But if it holds only a denial, it won’t help me at all in that matter—other than proof that I spoke out over thirty years ago—the year before my son went to stay with his grandparents. Confronting my brother publicly, especially in a letter to the editor in the county where we grew up and he now presides over family court, is not something I take lightly. It is a decision born out of years of silence, pain, and unresolved questions. I feel that, as a family court judge, my brother holds a position of great responsibility—one that impacts the lives of vulnerable children and families. His silence about the abuse that occurred within our family, and his decision to stand by our father despite knowing the truth, contradicts the values he is sworn to uphold in his professional role. I feel like my brother owes me more than silence. He owes me acknowledgment, gratitude, and accountability. I shielded him, whether knowingly or not, from the horrors of our father’s abuse. I carried the pain while he was supported, nurtured, and given the freedom to become a lawyer, a judge, and someone with the power to shape lives. I warned him to protect his own daughters, not realizing gender was not a factor which would become evident years later. Or, maybe I didn't shield him, and he was abused, too. For over forty years, my younger brother has offered nothing but silence—and worse, complicity. It is time to stop pretending that silence is neutrality. It is not. Silence enables harm. And as I wrestle with the decision of whether to confront my brother publicly, I know my story deserves to be told, and the truth deserves to be heard. Years ago, I gave my brother a graduation gift inscribed—Justice For All. Ephesians 5:11 “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

As many may know, I have a lot of holes in my memory. I will be making a pro and con list because I have an important decision to make. Recently, while going through my belongings, I found a Sony microcassette tape I do not remember making. I do not even remember owning a microcassette recorder. The tape is labeled “the confrontation with my dad 12/6/93 10:30 pm." I had previously told my mother of the abuse years earlier and received no support. Both of my parents are now deceased. I am debating if I want to listen to the tape. My therapist thinks a pro and con list could help me decide. I believe writing this post will serve two purposes. First, it allows me to organize my own thoughts as I work through whether or not to listen to the tape. Second, it may provide a useful guide for others facing difficult choices. A pro and con list is not just about writing facts, but it is also about recognizing the emotions tied to each option. In my case, this decision involves more than curiosity, but the potential emotional impact of revisiting a difficult memory. By sharing this process, I hope to show that it is okay to take your time, reflect deeply, and use tools like these to make decisions that feel right for you. The Purpose of a Pro and Con List When faced with a tough decision, creating a pro and con list can help you weigh your options clearly. These lists break down the positives and negatives, making complex choices easier to understand. They can also go by other names, such as "advantages and disadvantages," "pluses and minuses," or "upsides and downsides." Regardless of what you call it, the purpose remains the same: to bring clarity to your thoughts. A pro and con list serves as a visual tool to organize your reasoning. It is particularly helpful when emotions or external pressures cloud your judgment. By categorizing your thoughts, you can step back and assess the situation logically. This method is especially effective when you need to prioritize or when several people are involved in the decision-making process. Later in the post, I will introduce another decision making tactic. How a List Can Help Clarifies Your Thoughts:  Writing down your pros and cons forces you to articulate your thoughts. It helps you see the situation more objectively. Identifies Patterns:  You may notice recurring themes, such as a specific fear or benefit that weighs heavily on your decision. Encourages Logical Thinking:  Instead of relying on gut instincts or emotion, a pro and con list helps you approach the situation from a rational perspective. Provides a Visual Reference:  Having your thoughts in front of you allows you to compare and evaluate them side by side. Questions To Help Create Your List Basic Considerations What are the potential benefits of making this decision? Feeling happier, more peaceful, or less stressed. Saving money, earning more, or reducing debt. New relationships, career growth, or personal development. Saving time, simplifying life, or avoiding hassle. Physical or mental health improvements. Helps you move closer to short- or long-term objectives. Learning new skills, gaining confidence, or overcoming fears. Strengthening relationships or improving social connections. Feeling proud or achieving something meaningful. Adding joy or entertainment to your life. What are the possible drawbacks or risks? Increased anxiety, sadness, or frustration. Spending money, risking loss, or missing savings opportunities. Extra time required or delays in other priorities. Increased workload, physical exhaustion, or health risks. Conflict, misunderstandings, or isolation. Unpredictable outcomes or risks of failure. Feeling overwhelmed or pressured to succeed. Going against your principles or personal values. Pushing you further from what you want to achieve. Missing out on other possibilities or better options. General Questions How will this decision impact me in the short term? How might this decision affect my long-term goals? What are the practical outcomes of each option? Emotional Impact How will this decision make me feel emotionally? Will this decision bring me peace of mind or add stress? Are there any unresolved emotions tied to this decision? Social and Relationship Factors How will this choice impact my relationships with others? Will this decision require support from others? Am I comfortable asking for others for support? Does this decision align with advice or feedback from trusted people in my life? Practical and Financial Considerations What are the financial implications of this decision? How much time or effort will this choice require? Are there logistical challenges I need to account for? Alignment with Values and Goals Does this decision align with my core values? Will this choice help me move closer to my personal or professional goals? Am I prioritizing what truly matters to me? Risk and Uncertainty What is the worst-case scenario, and how likely is it? Can I handle the consequences if things do not go as planned? Are there factors I am unsure about, and how can I clarify them? Alternatives and Flexibility Are there other options I have not considered yet? If I change my mind later, will I have the opportunity to course-correct? What would happen if I decided not to make a choice at all? Creating and Analyzing the List List the Pros and Cons:  Write down all the reasons for and against your decision. The questions aim to trigger thoughts, do not overthink at this stage—just get everything onto the page. You can revisit the questions later to refine your list. Assign a Value:  For each item, rate its importance on a scale of 1 to 5 (or another scale you find helpful), with 5 being the most significant. Compare Similar Points:  Look for pros and cons that are directly related. For example, if a pro is "extra pay" and a con is "extra work," consider how much the benefit of additional finances outweighs the drawback of additional effort. Tally the Scores:  Add up the scores for both columns. This gives you a rough numerical guide to which side is stronger. Are there more pros than cons, or do the cons feel heavier despite their smaller number? Review for Intangibles:  Look beyond the numbers. Consider how each item aligns with your emotions, values, or long-term goals. Some points might not be easy to quantify but still matter greatly. Factors, like peace of mind or personal fulfillment, may not have a clear weight but can still influence your decision significantly. Reflect:  Step back and think about how the list feels to you. Are the items based on fact, opinion, or fear? Do the scores match what your intuition is telling you? Revisit the questions above to dig deeper into your thoughts. This approach encourages you to think more about each point, making your list more thorough and helpful. Breaking it down this way can make the process feel more manageable and less overwhelming. This process is a guide, not a strict rule Additional Considerations Alternative Names:  If "pros and cons" does not resonate with you, consider using "benefits and drawbacks," "reasons for and against," or "strengths and weaknesses." Expand the Format:  For more complex decisions, create subcategories within each section. For example, under "pros," you might include financial, emotional, and social benefits and under "cons" negative impact, emotional and financial cost. Consult Others:  Share your list with a trusted friend or advisor for additional perspectives. Often an outside source can see things more objectively. Revisit the List:  Decisions may evolve over time. Reassess your list periodically to ensure it reflects your current priorities. By taking the time to create and analyze a pro and con list, you empower yourself to make informed and confident decisions. As an Executive Customer Relations (ECR) representative for Amazon, I learned a technique for decision making called the "Two-Way Door vs. One-Way Door" framework. It is a simple yet powerful mental model that can be applied beyond business—like personal decisions or even creative projects. Overview of the Concept Two-Way Doors: These are reversible decisions. If the outcome is not what you hoped, you can go back and try another approach. These decisions can often be made quickly because the risk is low, and the impact is temporary. One-Way Doors: These are irreversible or difficult-to-reverse decisions. Once you step through, you cannot easily undo the decision. These decisions require more careful thought and planning because the stakes are higher. Application: When facing a decision, ask yourself: Is this a one-way door or a two-way door? If it is a two-way door, decide quickly and take action. If it is a one-way door, take your time to weigh the pros and cons, gather information, and plan. This framework helps prioritize decision-making effort, focusing energy on what matters most while avoiding unnecessary analysis paralysis for reversible choices. A Path to Peace or a Road to Regret Deciding whether to listen to the tape feels like stepping through a one-way door because of the emotional risks involved. Once I hear what is on it, I cannot unhear it, and the impact could be significant. That is why I need to carefully think through every factor, making my pro and con list an essential step in this process. Instead of using the boring Pro and Con headings, I decided on Peaceful Healing and Painful Regret. As I started to create my table, I realized quickly that the uncertainty of what is on the tape complicates the process of creating my list. If my father’s words are a confession, I might feel a sense of satisfaction or closure, which would belong on the peaceful healing side. However, if the tape contains a denial, that same outcome could lead to frustration or disappointment, placing dissatisfaction firmly on the painful regret side. This makes it difficult to predict how I will feel and adds a layer of complexity to my decision. It is a conundrum that reminds me of how fragile emotional risks can be when faced with the unknown. I need to ask myself if I am ready to face what I might hear, regardless of what is said. I should create one list for a confession and one for a denial. This may help me mentally prepare for either outcome and clarify how I might feel in each case. Now, I am reconsidering my headings to avoid confusion in my mind. To Be Continued (Maybe) 1 Corinthians 14:40 "But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way."

Change is one of life’s constants—and one of its greatest struggles. Change feels like one of those things everyone talks about, but few people really understand. I see it everywhere—in personal growth, habits, relationships, and even society. Is change a choice, or is it forced upon us? You have probably asked yourself if people can really change. Maybe you have wondered if you are stuck with certain habits or parts of your personality forever. I know I have wondered, "Why should I change if I like who I am?" Sometimes it feels like life forces change on you, whether you are ready or not. Other times, you try to make changes, only to end up right back where you started. So what makes change last? And what happens when it doesn’t? In this post, I will sort out what really motivates positive change, why it can feel impossible to keep going, and how to know if you are changing for the right reasons. Can You Really Change? The question of whether people can change sparks endless debate. Some say personality traits are set in stone by adulthood, while others believe we are always capable of evolving . You have probably seen people who swear they have changed, only to fall back into old patterns a few months later. But then there are those rare moments when you see someone completely turn their life around. People change for many reasons including personal growth, life experiences (good or bad), relationships, and circumstances beyond our control. Can people truly change, or do they just learn how to hide certain parts of themselves? I think the answer is somewhere in between who you are inherently and who you want to become. What Makes You Want to Change? Most people do not wake up one day and decide to change without a reason. Usually, it happens because something forces you to take a hard look at yourself. Maybe it is a relationship falling apart, a health scare, or a moment when you realize you are not living the life you want. There is often a breaking point. That moment when you think, I cannot keep living like this. However, change that comes from pain is only the first step. Pain might push you toward change, but it will not sustain it. You need something more than discomfort to make change last. What Makes Change Stick? Change sticks when it is tied to something meaningful. It is not enough to say, "I want to lose weight," or "I want to be kinder." You need to ask yourself why. Are you doing it for yourself, or are you doing it to please someone else? Are you chasing a version of yourself that you actually want to be, or are you trying to fit someone else's mold? Permanent change happens when you are motivated by something internal—something that aligns with your core values. If you are changing to live more authentically, it will feel natural over time. If you are changing out of fear, guilt, or pressure, it will always feel like a struggle. Change is not just about big moments—it is about the small choices you make every day. People stick with changes that feel meaningful to their identity. What Are Wrong Reasons to Change? There are plenty of wrong reasons to change. When the motivation comes from outside, not within, and the person can revert as soon as the external pressure is gone. Here are some types of change that are often unsustainable. To be accepted by others. Change should reflect your own values because you will never keep up with everyone's expectations. People change their opinions too quickly. Change for yourself or you will end up living a life that is not truly yours. To seek external validation. Changing who you are just to feel worthy in someone else's eyes will leave you feeling empty, because true worth is found within yourself. You do not need others to affirm your worth, choices, or feelings. Out of guilt or shame. If your change is driven by guilt, you might get temporary results, but it will not last. It is often driven by self-punishment rather than self-improvement Guilt is a powerful motivator, but it is not a sustainable one. To escape consequences. Changing only to avoid the fallout of your actions is a quick fix, not a real transformation—it focuses on damage control, not growth. It is like putting a bandage on a deep wound. It might work for a while, but the root problem is still there. Change made to escape consequences is often temporary. Because someone else demanded it. Change that is forced by someone else's expectations rarely lasts, as it stems from obligation rather than personal conviction. When change is driven by someone else's demands, it often creates resentment and leaves you disconnected from your true needs and desires. What Motivates Real Change? Real change is motivated by growth, purpose, and authenticity. When you change because you want to grow, because it aligns with your values, or because it helps you live more authentically, it feels right. You are not fighting against who you are now—you are becoming more of who you are meant to be. If someone suggests change, it does not mean you should dismiss it outright. Sometimes, others can see things from a perspective you might not notice. Their advice, when given with thought, can be a chance for you to reflect on areas that could use improvement and spark a realization that there is something worth changing. It is about being open to hearing others' perspectives and using them as an opportunity to reflect. Songs That Address Change I was listening to Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd , and the lyrics 'Lord knows I can't change — Lord, help me, I can't change — Lord, I can't change' gave me the idea for this post about change. Music has a way of capturing the struggle with change perfectly. I listed some other songs about change and the resistance to change. Changes by David Bowie – About embracing the inevitability of change. The Times They Are A-Changin' by Bob Dylan – A call to accept that times change. Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson – Real change starts with yourself. I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor – About moving on and growing stronger. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac – Life changes and growing older. Blackbird by The Beatles – Time to seize the opportunity to change. Cool Change by Little River Band – Knowing yourself and finding peace. I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty – Not changing and standing firm in your values. Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson – Breaking free from habits and environments to grow. Same Old Love by Selena Gomez – Being tired of repeating the same patterns. I Am Changing by Jennifer Hudson – About committing to personal transformation. Music often holds the power to reflect the changes you are going through, whether you are aware of it or not. When you hear lyrics that resonate with your experiences, they can offer a sense of connection and understanding. Songs about change often express emotions you may not know how to put into words. Whether you are embracing change or resisting it, you are not alone and the struggle is universal. Famous Quotes About Change "Change is the only constant in life." — Heraclitus "Be the change you wish to see in the world." — Often attributed to Gandhi "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." — Lao Tzu "The measure of intelligence is the ability to change." — Albert Einstein The Truth About Change Change is complicated. It is not just about willpower or intention; it is about mindset, environment, and consistency. Change usually starts with a catalyst—a moment or event that shifts your perspective. But catalysts alone aren’t enough. True change starts when you are ready to let go of who you were and step into who you can become. It is also important to recognize when you are chasing change for the wrong reasons because change that sticks comes from within. It does not mean that suggestions from others should be dismissed. Ultimately, the decision to change is yours, but being receptive to feedback can help guide you and the insight of others can serve as a helpful mirror. Permanent change does not happen overnight—it is rarely instant. It is often a gradual process, filled with setbacks, self-reflection, and determination. Lasting change takes time, patience, and self-compassion. It requires effort, regularity, and, above all, purpose. Change is not a straight line. It is messy, frustrating, and uncomfortable. You will stumble, and you will make mistakes. Do not be too hard on yourself if you struggle to keep the momentum. If your reason for changing is strong enough, you will find your way back to it. Galatians 4:20 "how I wish I could be with you now and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you!"