Don't Tell Me What To Do: Command vs Suggestion

The Difference Between a Command and a Suggestion

Language plays a crucial role in how people communicate, interpret meaning, and respond to what is said. A key distinction in communication is the difference between a command and a suggestion. While they may seem similar at times, they serve very different purposes and should not be confused.

However, in today’s world—especially in online discussions—many people react to suggestions as if they are commands. This response often comes with defensiveness, frustration, or even anger. Why does this happen? Is it a misunderstanding, or is there something deeper going on? This post will break down the key differences between commands and suggestions, why people misinterpret them, and why this misunderstanding can create unnecessary conflict.

What Is a Command?

A command is a directive that requires action. It does not offer a choice, and it is usually expected to be followed. Commands are often used in authoritative settings, such as the military, workplaces, or parent-child relationships.

Characteristics of a Command:

Direct and authoritative: A command leaves no room for interpretation.
No choice given: The speaker expects the listener to obey.
Often used by people in authority: Parents, bosses, and law enforcement use commands frequently.
Can be backed by consequences: Not following a command may result in punishment or negative outcomes.

Examples of Commands:

“Stand up.”
“Do your homework.”
“Turn in your lesson plan”
“Follow the speed limit.”

In each of these examples, the speaker is telling the listener what to do, and there is an expectation that it will be done.

What Is a Suggestion?

A suggestion, on the other hand, is an idea or proposal that someone can choose to follow or ignore. Unlike a command, a suggestion does not force action. It simply presents an option.

Characteristics of a Suggestion:

Non-forceful: It does not demand action, only proposes it.
Gives the listener a choice: The suggestion can be accepted or rejected.
Often meant to be helpful: Suggestions are usually given to offer advice or insight.
No consequences for refusal: The person is not punished for ignoring a suggestion.

Examples of Suggestions:

“You might want to bring an umbrella in case it rains.”
“It could be helpful to start saving money early.”
“If that is not working, you could try a different approach.”
“Rather than pay for the the next car in line, you could donate to a food bank.”

Each of these statements presents an option, not a requirement.

Why Do People Mistake Suggestions for Commands?

Despite the clear differences between commands and suggestions, some people react to both in the same way. A common example is when someone makes a harmless suggestion, and another person responds with negativity and frustration, saying, “Do not tell me what to do!” Why does this happen?

1. Personal Sensitivity to Authority

Some people have a strong dislike for being told what to do, even when they are not actually being ordered. This can stem from past experiences where they felt controlled, such as a strict upbringing or a demanding job. As a result, they react negatively to anything that sounds like a command, even if it is just a suggestion.

2. Tone and Wording Matter

Sometimes, the way a suggestion is phrased can make it sound like a command. For example, saying, “You should really eat healthier” sounds more forceful than, “You might feel better if you ate healthier.” The first statement implies an expectation, while the second keeps it open-ended.

3. Online Communication Lacks Tone

On social media and in text-based discussions, tone is lost. Without vocal inflection or facial expressions, people may read a simple suggestion as demanding or condescending. If someone says, “You could volunteer at an animal shelter instead of watching TV,” it might come across as an order, even if it was meant as a helpful idea.

4. Defensive Thinking

When people hear a suggestion that challenges their habits, beliefs, or actions, they might feel judged. Instead of viewing it as an idea, they see it as an attack. For example, if someone suggests spending money on charity instead of luxury items, a person who enjoys luxury items might feel criticized, even if that was not the intention.

5. Cultural and Generational Differences

In some cultures, direct speech is common, while in others, indirect suggestions are preferred. Additionally, younger generations who grew up in environments emphasizing personal choice may react differently to suggestions compared to older generations accustomed to hierarchy and authority.

The Starbucks Example: A Real-Life Reaction to a Suggestion

A perfect example of this issue happened in a discussion about an act of kindness. Someone posted about how many people buy coffee for the person behind them in line at Starbucks. The post suggested that instead of doing this, people could donate to a school lunch fund to help children in need.

The idea was meant to inspire people to consider different ways of helping others that are more needy than someone that drinks coffee at Starbucks. There were a lot of great inspiring comments! However, one response stood out:

“I work hard for every dollar I make. I'll make my own choices on what to do with it.”

This reaction is a clear example of mistaking a suggestion for a command. The post was not forcing anyone to do anything; it was simply offering another perspective. Yet, the person felt defensive and responded as if they were being controlled.

This is a common reaction in online discussions. People often assume that if someone presents an idea different from their own, they are being told what to do. In reality, they are simply being given another way to think about things.

How to Avoid Misunderstanding Suggestions

To prevent unnecessary conflict, both those giving suggestions and those receiving them should be mindful of communication styles.

For Those Giving Suggestions:

Use softer language: Phrases like “You might consider…” or “One idea is…” can make suggestions feel less forceful.
Clarify intent: If possible, make it clear that the suggestion is just an idea, not a demand.
Be mindful of tone: In online conversations, consider how words might be misinterpreted without tone and facial expressions.

For Those Receiving Suggestions:

Pause before reacting: If a statement feels like a command, consider whether it was actually meant that way.
Look for choice-based language: Words like “maybe,” “could,” and “consider” often indicate a suggestion rather than a command.
Recognize that different opinions exist: Just because someone suggests something does not mean they are forcing their view on you.

Final Thoughts

Commands and suggestions are not the same, yet they are often confused. Commands require action and typically come from authority figures. Suggestions offer an idea or alternative, allowing the listener to make their own choice.

Unfortunately, many people react to suggestions with the same defensiveness they would show toward a command. This is often due to past experiences, tone misinterpretation, or a strong desire for independence.

By understanding this difference, people can communicate more effectively and avoid unnecessary arguments. Instead of assuming every suggestion is an attempt to control, it is important to recognize them as just that—suggestions. Ultimately, everyone has the freedom to decide what they will do.

Leave any comments in the comment section! This is a suggestion, not a command!