It is mid-December 2024., and the air feels familiar. Not from the season, but from the weight of this moment. In December 2019, I prayed for strength, and I prayed to be able to emotionally let go of the love I had for my friend. I was ready to open my heart to what might come, and prepare myself for the new year with quiet resolve. I knew it would be difficult because we were best friends, and if either one of us fell in love with someone, our close friendship would have to change. God made sure I would let go without looking back by calling him home just three weeks after I dared to dream again.
Through the years, I spoke with God in whispered prayers, shaping the vision of a man who might hold my heart. When I met someone just over two years later in 2022, I believed it was a divine connection, prayers answered, and a promise fulfilled. I was not mentally prepared for the trials, the weight of what we would endure, or the storms we would face, but I made a choice to put in the work. When the rope began to fray, I prayed for strength. I hung on, even when the rope unraveled, its threads barely remaining. I've been holding on to the hope that love could still find its way back to us.
As January 1, 2025, approaches,, I feel the same questions rising in me as I had five years ago. Am I ready to let go for good and can I open my heart to someone new? This time, the letting go feels heavier because I know it has to be final. Not because my love is not real, and not because I lack faith, but because I am only in control of myself. I am not looking for new love—just like I wasn't looking when he came into my life. I only want to be prepared for the possibility of loving again. God knows what I need, and I pray for the courage to start anew, if that is His will. It is mid-December, 2024, and the clock ticks toward another year. I trust that God hears me, and will answer in His perfect time.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
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