No Person(a), No Person(b): Just Me

A friend was in the stream, and when they were leaving this is the conversation relevant to persona that took place. It really made me think how in many instances, like when I am streaming, I don't seem to be able to put on a persona, something different than what I am, a more fun version of myself—the version I feel inside. When I read the chat, the last line made me laugh as I took it, I was so boring, they could finally sleep!

Them: Thanks for the stream, I think it's going to help me sleep finally.

Me: I am boring.

Them: I don't think you are boring, you're very relaxed.

Me: My insides aren't calm though.

Them: Can't say I understand putting on a calm persona.

Me: I don't put on a calm persona, this is just how I am.

Me: Except I can. I know my insides are not the same as my outsides.

Them: Isn't that what a persona is? If your outside is different than your inside?

Me: No, I think a persona is. I think. I think a persona is something you try to do. I may be wrong, but I think a persona is how you try to present yourself to the world. Like, I don't try, this is just how I am right at the moment. Tomorrow, I may not be.

(My internal thought:)

I don’t try to present myself as calm—it is just how I come across most times. If I had a choice, I would rather people saw what I really feel on the inside. The inside is more lively, with more inflection in my voice and way more energetic! It is pretty chaotic inside my head. It just doesn’t always make it out—I just can't command myself in that way.

A persona is a representation of a person—either real or fictional—based on certain traits, behaviors, or roles. It is often used in writing, psychology, marketing, or design to describe how someone presents themselves or how someone might behave in a certain context or environment.

Here are a few different meanings, depending on context:

In everyday use:

A persona is the image or personality someone shows to others. It might be real, or it might be a version of themselves that is shaped by how they 'want' to be seen.

In psychology (Carl Jung):

A persona is the "mask" someone wears to fit into society. It is how someone presents themselves publicly, which might be different from their true inner self.

In writing or storytelling:

A persona is the voice or character an author adopts when writing. For example, a poet might write from the persona of someone who is grieving, even if the poet isn’t.

In marketing/user experience:

A persona is a fictional character created to represent a user or customer group. It helps businesses design better products or services.

A Persona is Intentional

The key thing is that a persona is intentional. It is about how someone chooses to present themselves to others. If my calm exterior is not something I am trying to project—if it is just how I come across, even though I feel completely different inside—then it is not really a persona in the classic sense. It is more like a mismatch between my internal experience and external expression, not a mask I am putting on.

It has always been an interesting concept to me, especially while I am gaming. It is difficult for me to understand how a "character" could be any different than who the person that created the character is as a person. That is one reason that watching role playing games are fascinating to me. How can people pretend their character is totally different than they are as a person. I personally do not think they can completely.

My character creations are me. A recent character, Trex, is the first male character I have ever created, but he is in honor and memory of my son. With thought, I try to bring as much of my son into that character's choices and actions. However, my son and I had many shared traits, so it is not that much of a stretch for me.

This is where I have previously given it thought: If I could be or act differently, why wouldn't I choose that option? In recent months, during therapy, I learned people put on "masks" which I am now realizing are personas. People wear these masks to be able to fit into society in a more conforming way. How did I not know this my entire life? I knew many people pretend to be what they aren't, but I always attributed that to people that want to cover up things that go against society like lying, cheating, and stealing. It never occurred to me that good people put on personas to hide who they are inside.

I just feel like I am lying, if I present myself differently to what I am feeling at any given moment regardless the context. That is why I do not care for the question, "how are you?" If I say I am fine, I am lying, but I am also coming to the understanding that people that ask that question, do not really want details of how I am. They just want to know that I am "okay" in general. Whether I am in front of a judge or with a group of friends, my behavior is what it is at that moment—decided by my present state of being.

I am going to have to give this topic more thought. I am not sure it is even possible for me to "wear a mask" to fit into society better. Honestly though, why would I want to present myself differently than what will eventually come out anyway? I think I can see it in one off interactions—when you never will engage with that person ever again.

However, every interaction I have with a person, I treat as if they are already my friend—it is unraveling in my mind as I write. That is why I have difficulty differentiating between a stranger who could care less and a true friend! This is not a breakthrough. Anyone who has spent time with me understands that to me there are no strangers, only friends I have yet to meet. It does help me understand that everyone's mindset is not like mine.

Conclusion

The conversation in my stream stuck with me. I was not trying to come off as calm—I just was calm. Not because I necessarily felt that way inside either. And when they said, “Isn’t that what a persona is?” I still do not think it is. If I am not putting effort into presenting myself that way—if it is just what happens—then it does not feel like a persona. It feels more like a split I can’t control.

The calm isn’t fake or put on because that is proper etiquette, it just does not match what is happening inside. And I think that is what sets it apart. I am not performing. I am not creating a character. I am just trying to be present, even when my inside and outside doesn't match. I am feeling both ways simultaneously and what you see is not of my choosing—and that is something I am still trying to reconcile in my mind.

Romans 12:2

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."