Depression affects people in different ways, but it’s something we all can reflect on, whether through experience, observation, or empathy. In this post, I share two acrostic poems that describe the enduring challenges of clinical depression. These pieces, written during a dark period of my life, capture the emotions that often go unseen and the resilience it takes to keep moving forward. Along with these poems, I reflect on my own journey with mental health, the complexities of diagnoses, and the importance of finding what works—even when the path is far from straightforward.
Being Depressed: Refers to a temporary emotional state of sadness, discouragement, or feeling down. It might be a response to a specific situation, such as a loss, failure, or stress. This feeling typically improves with time or a change in circumstances.
Depression: Refers to a clinical mental health condition that lasts for weeks or longer, affecting daily functioning. It involves persistent sadness, lack of energy, loss of interest in activities, and other symptoms that may require professional treatment. It is not simply a passing mood but a diagnosable disorder.
Think of "being depressed" as a short-term feeling and "depression" as a long-term condition. While they differ in duration and impact, the experiences can overlap—like the difference between a paper cut and a knife cut; both cause pain, but one is deeper and requires more care to heal including professional help.
Darkness
Enters
Pain
Returns
Everyone
Says
Smile
I
Only
Nod
Deep despair
Eliminated enjoyment
Private pain Rarely responsive
Energy ends
Sinking sadness
Stopped socializing
Irrational irritation
Often overwhelmed
Nobody notices
I wrote these poems in January 2006, which was also a pivotal year in my life—when I turned forty-five, I stopped taking all medication. It is intriguing that after my suicide attempts during my teens and twenties, I wasn't put on any medication. When I was in my early thirties, I started taking prescribed medication, and initially it seemed great, but I soon found that I was emotionless. The medicine not only decreased my negative emotions, but it decreased my positive emotions and took away aspects of my personality like spontaneity, creativity, empathy, and compassion.
Over the next decade, I would try different types and strengths, but they all made me feel like someone I didn't want to be. Stopping the medication was the best decision for my mental health. A few times a year, I still have intrusive thoughts that tell me to end it all, but I fight those with tools I've learned over the years—writing, reaching out to others, and knowing the impulse to take destructive action will pass. It is crucial for me to not isolate myself, even just sitting in a group chat reading what others type is helpful.
It is really important to have a proper diagnosis which is often tricky as there are many variables and symptoms often overlap. It is unfortunate that I was misdiagnosed for over twenty years, but I am undoubtedly on the right track now. Having multiple diagnoses certainly complicates matters, and with each individual being different, their treatment plan should also be unique. I am grateful to have made it this far to tell about it! I've been using medical marijuana over the past five years, which definitely eases my anxiety, however, it is very costly and I can't use it as often as needed.
Depression is not simply a passing feeling, but a long-term condition that requires care and understanding. While I’ve made personal decisions about medication, it's very important to remember that stopping medication abruptly is never a good idea. Always consult your doctor first, as they can help guide you through changes safely and effectively. Everyone’s experience with mental health is unique, and finding the right tools and support can make a significant difference. By sharing my story and these acrostic poems, I remind myself that every step I take moves me further away from where I started. I hope this post resonates with others, whether they are suffering from depression themselves or are affected by it in some other way.
Lamentations 3:20-21
"I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:"
コメント