Narcissism can be considered a personality disorder, specifically Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a recognized mental health condition. People with NPD often have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They may also have difficulty with relationships due to their self-centered behavior, and their emotional responses can be extreme or manipulative. Additionally, mental health conditions are complex, the intensity, frequency, and impact of these traits that matter, and understanding them requires professional evaluation.
However, a person can be described as having narcissistic traits if they display certain behaviors commonly associated with narcissism, such as a strong need for admiration, a lack of empathy, a need for validation, self-centeredness, manipulative behavior, or a sense of entitlement. It is important to note that not everyone who displays narcissistic traits has NPD. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and some people may show narcissistic tendencies and exhibit narcissistic behaviors in certain situations without meeting the full criteria for a clinical diagnosis.
Common Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships:
Love bombing: Overwhelms the partner with excessive affection, compliments, and gestures early in the relationship to gain control and manipulate.
Jealousy and control: May display possessiveness or control over their partner’s actions, friendships, or even appearance.
Emotional manipulation: Uses guilt, fear, or shame to control their partner’s emotions and actions.
Lack of empathy: Dismisses or disregards the feelings, needs, or concerns of their partner.
Constant need for admiration: Seeks excessive validation and praise from their partner, expecting constant attention and affirmation.
Gaslighting: Manipulates or denies the partner's reality to make them doubt their own perceptions or memories.
Self-centeredness: Focuses primarily on their own needs and desires, without consideration for their partner's feelings or needs.
Belittling or demeaning the partner: Criticizes or undermines the partner’s self-worth or achievements to maintain a sense of superiority.
Blaming others: Refuses to take responsibility for their own actions, blaming their partner or others for any problems or issues in the relationship.
Lack of emotional support: Rarely provides emotional support to the partner but expects it when they are in need.
Isolation: May try to isolate their partner from friends, family, or support networks to increase dependence on them.
Passive-aggressive behavior: Uses indirect ways of expressing anger or dissatisfaction, such as silent treatment or sarcasm.
These behaviors often create an unhealthy dynamic in relationships, as the narcissist tends to prioritize their own needs and feelings over the well-being of their partner. If you are dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic behavior, especially in a relationship context, it can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. The constant cycle of love-bombing followed by devaluation can make you question your own worth, leaving you emotionally attached despite the pain. The connection, however toxic, can feel familiar, and breaking away often feels like losing a part of yourself.
Thinking about sharing this with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits along with specific examples? Don't bother! A narcissist would likely avoid taking any responsibility or reflecting on their own behaviors. Their response would likely center on protecting their self-image, deflecting blame, and trying to turn the situation around to make it seem like you're the one with the problem. They may downplay your feelings or even suggest you're the one in the wrong, and you are the narcissist, all in an effort to maintain control and avoid any confrontation about their own toxic behaviors.
A Personal Encounter
This response is exactly what happened when I tried to share my observations with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits. I am sharing this personal story because it helps me let it go, and I think others may be able to relate and find some kind of inspiration from reading it. I am fully disclosing these emails for transparency and context. I will be offering my thoughts on how his emails continued to show narcissistic behavior.
Our Email Exchange While we were in a relationship, I sent him a list with specific examples, praying he would recognize the problem and fix it. He didn't and instead chose to end the relationship. A year after he broke off our engagement, and shortly after he reached out to me, I shared a bible verse with him, writing about it resonating with me and my curiosity. The verse helped explain that my curiosity was about understanding and gaining knowledge.
My Original Message "While researching for my next GoFundMe update, I came across a verse that instantly made me think about our conversations and the challenges we faced around communication. The verse is Proverbs 18:15: "The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out."
This verse highlights how valuable it is to seek understanding and ask questions. I believe that true wisdom comes from being open to learning and listening, even when it means questioning things to gain a deeper understanding.
I wanted to share this thought with you because it represents how I view the importance of seeking clarity and understanding. I am sorry if my questions were frustrating; my intention was always to understand better. I hope this offers a perspective on my curious nature and the value I place on seeking knowledge and understanding."
His response
He wrote back completely dismissing everything I had written:
"I really don't want to remember any of it, it frustrates me just having to think back to that time, a time with so much hopes and dreams only to be quenched a big lack of what really was this relationship about and wanting all this to come to fruition but plainly seeing one of us would let go long enough to find solace and comfort else where other than in the relationship, it feels like it was all a big waste of time."
My response I was confused and wrote back asking him to clarify what he meant when he wrote, ""but plainly seeing one of us would let go long enough to find solace and comfort else where other than in the relationship"
What do you mean? Did you turn to something or someone else and that is why you stopped trying?"
His response
NO! YOU STOPPED TRYING, YOU WOULD BLOCK ME ON DISCORD, YOU WOULD UNFRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK, BUT IM THE NARCISSIST REMEMBER, I MANIPULATE OTHERS, I DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND I MOVE ON AFTER DOING SO. I BECAME A BITTER MAN, BUT I WAS SHOWN PITY, PITY FROM A SISTER WHO KNOWS HER BROTHER AND KNOWS MY HEART AND AM FAR FROM THE THINGS KM ACCUSED OF. SHE WAS MY SOLACE AND COMFORT, SHE LIFTED AND RAISED ME UP AGAIN. NEVER TO FALL AGAIN.
My thoughts
His response to my confusion was a textbook example of narcissistic behavior. Rather than addressing my direct question, he deflects all blame onto me, turning the situation around to make me feel responsible for everything that went wrong. Narcissists often use this tactic to avoid accountability for their own actions. He claims that I stopped trying, yet he offers no examples to support this and ignores how his own actions may have contributed to the breakdown of our relationship.
His statement, "YOU STOPPED TRYING, YOU WOULD BLOCK ME ON DISCORD, YOU WOULD UNFRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK," is a classic example of a narcissist shifting blame. He completely overlooks the fact that blocking him was my response to his actions or an effort to prevent further escalation. He refuses to acknowledge the emotional toll his behavior may have taken on me, instead casting me as the villain. This is a common tactic to protect their fragile ego by projecting their faults onto others.
When he brings up his sister as his source of solace and comfort, it adds another layer of manipulation. By invoking her, he's using an external source of support to justify his actions and further distance himself from responsibility. Narcissists often seek validation from those who are close to them, especially when they're attempting to deflect the negative perception others may have of them. This shields the narcissist from confronting their actions or taking responsibility, as they are reassured that they are the victim. It's a way of reaffirming their self-image and avoiding the reality of their behavior.
His response doesn’t show any genuine self-awareness or growth. Instead, it reaffirms the narcissistic tendencies of deflection, blame-shifting, and a lack of empathy for my side of the story. By offering the narcissist solace instead of addressing the root cause of the conflict, the sister disregards the hurtful impact of his actions. It’s all about him protecting his image and refusing to take any real responsibility for what happened.
Another message:
While I was still trying to comprehend the entirety of the message, he sent me another short message referring to my original email and told me my take on the bible verse was wrong and how the conversation unfolded follows.
"And by the way the heart of the discerning acquires knowledge is Godly knowledge not ones own question or reasoning but the acquirement of spiritual knowledge"
My response: I’ve been thinking about your comment regarding Proverbs 18:15, where you said, "the heart of the discerning acquires knowledge" refers only to Godly knowledge and not to one's own questioning or reasoning. While I respect that this is your interpretation, I do not believe you, or anyone, has the right to tell me how God wants me to interpret scripture. My relationship with God is personal, and my interpretation of His word is based on my own understanding and connection with Him.
Everyone’s journey with scripture is different, and no one should impose their perspective as the only valid one. By insisting that your interpretation is the correct one, you disregard my spiritual growth and personal understanding. That kind of behavior comes across as narcissistic—dismissing my thoughts and centering your experience as superior.
My view of faith is about seeking wisdom, understanding, and spiritual growth, and I choose to engage with scripture in a way that speaks to me. Humility in spiritual matters is important, and there should always be room for personal reflection and respectful discussion. Your rigid view doesn’t align with how I approach my relationship with God, and I think it’s important to make that clear.
His response:
"Ohh you've never had a problem making anything clear through out the entire relationship, and get over yourself with your self evaluation of me being narcissistic, I hate that word. You will never have a chance to call me that again. I've had enough of this conversation. Leave me alone."
My thoughts:
This response was very telling and completely fitting for someone with narcissistic traits. The deflection of blame, refusal to take responsibility, and shutting down the conversation were all typical behaviors I have come to recognize in narcissists. It also showed the lack of empathy for my feelings and the desire to control how he was perceived. His use of "get over yourself" and "you will never have a chance to call me that again" indicated an effort to maintain dominance and shut down any further discussion about his behavior, which is common with narcissists.
It was clear that he was avoiding accountability, trying to protect his fragile self-image, and ensuring that the focus remained on me rather than on his actions. His response was all about control, dismissing my concerns, and invalidating my experience. Narcissists often react this way when confronted with their toxic behaviors—deflecting, denying, and avoiding any kind of self-reflection.
A Surface-Level Apology
When he sent this last message in this exchange three hours later saying, "I'm sorry Linda for my harsh responses please forgive me," it may have seemed like a step toward accountability. However, this kind of apology from someone with narcissistic traits is often more about relieving their own discomfort than truly acknowledging the harm they've caused. Narcissists can apologize, but the apology is usually surface-level and doesn't come with the intention of making real amends or changing their behavior.
In this case, while he might have acknowledged his harsh responses, the apology doesn't address the underlying issues or take responsibility for his actions. It feels more like a way to end the conflict without addressing the deeper problem. A true apology from someone who wants to change would be accompanied by efforts to understand why their behavior hurt me and a genuine desire to change their actions moving forward, not just to placate me in the moment.
Conclusion
Maybe someone can shed a different light on the exchange, and I would be happy to consider your thoughts. I hope you will share your own stories involving narcissists and those that exhibit narcissistic behaviors. I didn't have experience with narcissism until I met him. Maybe this is the lesson God wanted me to learn by sending a man with many wonderful qualities, all the traits I asked for—God threw narcissism in for free!
Do not wait for a narcissist to get help or change, because true change requires self-awareness and a willingness to acknowledge their flaws, which is something most narcissists lack—ultimately, they are unlikely to seek help or change unless they genuinely want to, and that often never happens. Setting boundaries and seeking support from a therapist can help you protect your mental health.
Related Bible Verses
Romans 12:19
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
Matthew 5:44
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
1 Peter 3:9
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
Proverbs 24:29
“Do not say, ‘I’ll do to them as they have done to me; I’ll pay them back for what they did.’”
Luke 6:27-28
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Romans 5:8
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Comments