Caring words shared with others. Open hearts bloom with kindness and Minds receptive to appreciation. Praise that acknowledges effort. Lifting each other up, In moments of doubt. Meaningful exchanges foster respect and Encouragement strengthens bonds. Noticing the strengths in others with Thoughts that reflect the good. Sending positivity through simple words.
Compliments, when given candidly, have the power to uplift, connect, and inspire. They are small but meaningful gestures that can create positivity in everyday interactions. However, authenticity is key. A compliment should come from a sincere place, not as an attempt to manipulate, gain favor, or fill an awkward silence.
A genuine compliment acknowledges something positive in a person, their choices, or their influence. and is delivered with sincerity. On the other hand, an insincere remark often feels forced, habitual, generic, or given without real care. Compliments do not have to be elaborate or deeply specific to be meaningful. Sometimes a simple, heartfelt statement like "You’re always so thoughtful" is exactly what someone needs to hear.
What Is a Compliment?
A compliment is a positive statement that acknowledges a person's qualities, achievements, or actions.
It is genuine when it comes from a place of real appreciation or admiration.
Backhanded Compliments
A backhanded compliment (also called a left-handed compliment) is a statement that appears to be a compliment at first, but upon closer look, it often contains an insult or criticism. It's a way of masking negativity with the outward form of praise, which can be hurtful or confusing for the person receiving it. In the examples below, the bolded part emphasizes the positive element of the compliment, while the rest often introduces a sarcastic or dismissive tone, subtly undermining the sincerity. Just give the compliment—the rest is a qualifier that downplays the compliment and adds a backhanded tone.
"You look great today. I barely recognized you!"
"I love how confident you are, especially considering how you look."
"You're so much more talented than I thought you'd be!"
"You’re such a good driver for a woman!"
"You looked beautiful back then!"
"I'm glad I could make it, not like I had anything better to do."
"I love your haircut! It makes you look younger!"
Backhanded compliments are often given by individuals who may be insecure, envious, or struggling with their own self-esteem. People who give these types of comments might not always be aware of the hurtful nature of their words, but there are certain factors that may make someone more likely to offer them.
Insecurity: Individuals who are insecure about their own abilities or appearance may use backhanded compliments as a way to deflect attention from their own perceived shortcomings. By making someone else feel less than perfect, they attempt to elevate themselves or make themselves feel more comfortable in comparison.
Jealousy or Envy: People who are jealous or envious of others may use backhanded compliments as a way to subtly undermine someone they perceive as a threat. These comments can be a way of diminishing another person's accomplishments or qualities without being overtly negative.
Passive-Aggressiveness: Some people struggle with direct confrontation or expressing their true feelings, so they resort to passive-aggressive comments. A backhanded compliment can be a way of criticizing someone while maintaining the appearance of being polite or positive.
Lack of Self-Awareness: Many individuals may not realize the impact of their words. They might think they are offering praise or encouragement, but their comments inadvertently undermine or belittle the recipient. This can happen when someone lacks empathy or is unaware of how their words are being received.
Cultural or Social Norms: In some social circles or cultures, sarcasm or indirectness may be more common. Some individuals might offer backhanded compliments as part of social interaction without fully understanding how it can be interpreted as hurtful.
Feeling Threatened: If someone feels threatened or overshadowed by another person, they may resort to backhanded compliments to maintain control or diminish the perceived superiority of the other person. It is a way of asserting dominance or preserving a sense of self-worth.
Power Dynamics: In situations where there are imbalances of power, such as between a boss and an employee, someone in a position of power may use backhanded compliments to subtly assert their authority or make the other person feel inferior, while still maintaining a façade of praise.
Sarcastic Humor: Some people use sarcasm as a form of humor, and it can be easy for them to slip into backhanded compliments without realizing how they come across. What might be intended as a joke could be interpreted as a subtle insult.
In general, backhanded compliments often stem from a combination of underlying insecurities, a desire for control, or an inability to communicate directly. They can be used as a tool to protect the person giving the compliment, but they often result in discomfort or hurt feelings for the recipient.
Compliment Me, Please
Fishing for compliments is a behavior where someone subtly (or not-so-subtly) seeks validation when they want others to contradict them and give praise. It can often come across as insecure or seeking attention. After providing some examples, I am going to breakdown why people might fish for compliments and how you could respond. Remember though, it is not fishing for compliments if the statement is true or they truly believe what they are saying—their perception may be different than yours.
"I can’t believe how bad my hair looks today."
"I don’t think I did that very well."
"I look awful in this picture."
"This food came out terrible! I'm not a very good cook"
"I’m really bad at drawing, but I tried anyway."
Why People Fish for Compliments
Low Self-Esteem: People who feel insecure or lack confidence may fish for compliments as a way to seek reassurance. They may need external validation to feel good about themselves.
Desire for Attention: Some people fish for compliments because they enjoy being the center of attention or want to feel important or appreciated. On social media, it is also a way to get people to engage with their post.
Seeking Affection or Approval: It can be a way of seeking affection from others, whether it's from a partner, friend, or colleague. They might not feel loved or valued enough and want that reaffirmed.
Social Comparison: Sometimes, people fish for compliments to compare themselves to others. If they're feeling competitive or comparing themselves to someone else, they might look for praise to feel better about their own situation.
Habit: Some individuals may have developed the habit of fishing for compliments over time, especially if they’ve received praise frequently or been in environments where their appearance or accomplishments were frequently commented on.
How to Respond to Compliments Fishing
Redirecting the Conversation: If someone is fishing for compliments, you can try redirecting the conversation back to something meaningful or productive. For example, "I think you're really good at [something specific], but how have you been feeling lately?" This shifts the focus to their well-being rather than giving in to the need for praise.
Offer a Genuine Compliment: Sometimes, people fish for compliments because they truly need encouragement. If you're comfortable, you can offer a sincere compliment in response. Instead of giving in to the backhanded or fishing part of the statement, give them a kind, but direct compliment, such as, "I really appreciate how you handled that situation," or "You have a great sense of humor."
Use Humor: If you know the person well and feel it’s appropriate, using humor can be an effective way to respond to compliment fishing. You could say something like, "Are you fishing for compliments? Because I’ve got a whole boatload ready!"
Address It Directly: If it becomes a pattern and you feel comfortable doing so, you can gently call out the fishing behavior. For example, "I notice you’re asking a lot about how people see you. I want you to know you're amazing just the way you are, no need to ask for validation."
Be Honest but Kind: If the person is fishing for compliments in a way that feels uncomfortable or exaggerated, a kind but honest response can help. "I think you're awesome, but you don’t need to ask for that reassurance from others all the time."
Ignore the Fishing: Another way to respond is to simply ignore the fishing for compliments altogether, especially if it's not particularly extreme. By not feeding into it, you can gently discourage the behavior.
Tips for Responding Effectively
Empathy: Understand that people may be fishing for compliments because they lack self-confidence or are feeling down. If you can offer a sincere, non-patronizing response, it may help them feel validated without reinforcing the behavior.
Keep It Positive: If you're uncomfortable with the compliment fishing but still want to be supportive, keep your response positive but neutral. This helps them feel good without making the interaction overly about the compliments.
Fishing for compliments can be a sign of needing reassurance, so how you respond can have a meaningful impact on how the person feels afterward. Whether you choose to redirect, ignore, or address it directly, you can always aim to be supportive while maintaining your boundaries.
The Importance of Authenticity
An authentic compliment reflects thoughtfulness and sincerity. It often recognizes something specific and meaningful about the recipient, whether it is their effort, personality, or unique qualities. A compliment given freely, without prompting, feels genuine. However, if someone has to ask for feedback and the response seems rushed or obligatory, it can feel inauthentic. In addition, when compliments or gestures are too common, they lose the special meaning that makes them feel authentic.
For example:
Authentic: A meeting just concluded "I admire how much effort you put into organizing the meeting today. It really showed, and everything ran so smoothly."
Inauthentic: A performer finishes their song, and after a long pause, they ask, "How was it?" Someone responds with "Oh, you did great" in a tone that feels dismissive or forced, as if they are just trying to fill the silence.
Authentic or Inauthentic: "You're the best!" "Good job." "You look amazing!"
When compliments lack authenticity, they can feel hollow or even patronizing. People often sense when a compliment is insincere, and instead of fostering goodwill, it can create discomfort or mistrust.
Giving Compliments
When it comes to giving compliments, some people may find it challenging for various reasons. There are some common factors that can make giving compliments difficult.
Fear of Being Misinterpreted: Some people worry that their compliment will be taken the wrong way, especially if the recipient misinterprets the intent or tone. For example, a compliment about someone’s appearance might be taken as flirtation, or a compliment about someone's performance could be seen as insincere. This fear can lead to hesitation in offering compliments at all.
Self-Esteem Issues: Individuals with low self-esteem or self-worth might struggle with giving compliments because they feel they are not worthy of giving praise to others. They might fear that complimenting others makes them vulnerable or opens them up to being judged in return. They could also feel that others might not believe their praise is honest and heartfelt.
Cultural or Social Norms: In certain cultures or social environments, complimenting others may not be a common practice, or it might even be considered inappropriate or boastful. People in these environments may feel uncomfortable offering compliments, as it could go against the social norm or be seen as hypocritical or self-serving. In some cultures, humility is highly valued, and giving compliments may be seen as drawing attention to someone or elevating them in ways that make others feel uncomfortable.
Fear of Flattery or Overdoing It: Some individuals avoid giving compliments because they worry that they might come across as overly flattering or fake. The idea of complimenting too much or too often can make them feel as though their words lose value, or they may fear they will be seen as trying too hard to please others. This can make them hesitant to offer legitimate praise at all.
Competition and Jealousy: In environments where people feel competitive, such as workplaces or certain social circles, giving compliments may be seen as an admission of vulnerability or inferiority. People who feel threatened by others’ success, intelligence, or appearance may struggle to compliment them, fearing that doing so would acknowledge someone else's strengths or achievements in a way that feels uncomfortable or disempowering.
Lack of Practice or Awareness: For some people, giving compliments may not come naturally simply because they have not been taught or have not practiced it. They may not realize the power of a sincere compliment and how much it can positively impact someone's confidence or mood. These individuals might struggle with complimenting others because they have not developed a habit or learned the importance of acknowledging others' qualities.
Perfectionism: Perfectionists may find it difficult to give compliments because they focus on faults or what could be improved. They might have trouble praising someone for something that doesn’t meet their ideal standard, even if the effort or achievement is still valuable. Perfectionism can prevent someone from acknowledging the effort behind an action because they are focused on how it could have been done better.
Misunderstanding the Importance of Compliments: Some people may not understand the profound impact compliments can have on someone's confidence and mental health. They may undervalue the significance of positive reinforcement, thinking that compliments are trivial or unnecessary. For these individuals, offering compliments might not feel important or meaningful.
Shyness or Social Anxiety: For people with social anxiety or shyness, the act of complimenting someone might feel daunting. The fear of saying the wrong thing or being judged can prevent them from offering sincere praise, even if they actually admire or appreciate something about the other person. In these cases, the anxiety surrounding social interactions can inhibit their ability to give compliments freely.
Personal Boundaries: Some people may feel uncomfortable giving compliments because they are cautious about personal boundaries. They might worry that offering a compliment, especially about someone's appearance or personal qualities, could overstep what is considered appropriate or might make the other person feel uncomfortable. For example, giving a compliment about someone's clothing might feel too intimate for someone who values their personal space.
Lacking Confidence: People who are not skilled in giving compliments may feel unsure about how to express their praise effectively. They may worry that their compliment will seem awkward, forced, or disingenuous if not articulated well. The fear of not being able to deliver the compliment in a genuine way can hold them back from even attempting.
Avoiding Vulnerability: Giving a compliment often requires vulnerability because it involves expressing admiration or appreciation, which can make people feel exposed. Individuals who are uncomfortable with vulnerability or who avoid emotional openness may struggle to compliment others for fear of revealing their own emotions or desires.
Overcoming these challenges
For those who struggle to give compliments, understanding that compliments are a way to build positive relationships, create connection, and boost the self-esteem of others can be helpful. With practice, learning how to offer compliments in an authentic, thoughtful manner can become a natural part of communication. Whether it's complimenting someone's work, appearance, or personality, the act of giving praise can go a long way toward fostering kindness and encouraging a positive atmosphere.
For example:
Simple but Authentic: "Nice work!" delivered with down to earth tone and a smile can effectively convey appreciation.
Enhanced Compliment: "The way you presented that information was so clear and engaging—nice work!" adds specificity for a greater impact.
Focus on the Individual: Acknowledge something specific or meaningful about the person or the action to make your compliment feel more authentic. While simple statements like "You’re a great mom" are still valid, adding context or personalizing your remark can make it even more impactful. "You're a great mom! The way you teach kindness to your children is amazing!"
Be Honest: Only give compliments you truly mean. Flattery for the sake of it often comes across as disingenuous.
Consider Timing: Deliver compliments in a way that feels natural and relevant to the situation. For instance, complimenting someone’s appearance while they’re dealing with a stressful or emergency situation may not be good timing.
Receiving Compliments
Receiving compliments can be uncomfortable for some people. They may deflect or downplay the praise, often out of habit, modesty, or insecurity. Responses like, "I know" or, "It was nothing," or, "Oh, anyone could have done it," when someone gives you a compliment can unintentionally diminish the intention behind the gesture. The compliment giver is offering praise to acknowledge something positive, whether it's an accomplishment, a characteristic, or a skill.
However, when the recipient dismisses the compliment in a way that minimizes their effort or dismisses the value of the compliment, it can feel disheartening to the giver. This kind of response can make them feel as though their gesture was not appreciated or that their positive recognition was unwelcome. Compliments are often meant to uplift the other person, so when the response is one of dismissal or self-deprecation, it can create a sense of emotional imbalance.
The compliment giver might even begin to second-guess whether they should offer compliments in the future. They may wonder if their compliments are not received in the spirit they are intended, and whether it is worth continuing to acknowledge others' achievements and positive traits.
This dynamic can also make it difficult to foster a positive and supportive atmosphere, as compliments play an important role in building trust and emotional connection between people. When compliments are met with self-effacement or an unwillingness to accept them, it can inadvertently disrupt that flow of appreciation and support. To keep this balance intact, the compliment receiver may need to consider not only the value of the compliment itself but also the effort and goodwill of the giver. A simple and gracious "Thank you" can go a long way in keeping the interaction genuine and maintaining a positive connection. If you want to elaborate, acknowledging the compliment by sharing your appreciation is another good option. It makes the interaction feel warm and appreciative, showing that you value the compliment and are engaged in the conversation.
For example:
"Thank you! I really put a lot of thought into it, so that means a lot."
"Thanks! That's so nice of you to notice, I love this dress, too!"
"That’s so kind of you to say, I really enjoy doing it!"
"Thank you! I’m really happy with how it turned out, so I’m glad you like it."
"I really appreciate that, thank you!"
Why People Struggle to Accept Compliments
Self-Doubt: People with low self-esteem often find it hard to believe the positive things others say about them. This inner struggle can create a barrier to fully accepting compliments, as they may feel unworthy or question the sincerity of the praise. Even when others offer honest praise, the negative self-talk can overshadow it, making it difficult to internalize the compliment.
Over time, this lack of self-acceptance can erode confidence, leaving individuals trapped in a cycle of doubting their own value. Learning to accept compliments, however, is a vital step in building self-worth and breaking free from this cycle. It involves not only trusting the kind words of others but also working on recognizing one's own strengths and embracing them without hesitation.
Cultural or Social Norms: In some cultures, humility is highly valued, and accepting compliments openly may feel awkward or boastful. For individuals from these cultures, acknowledging a compliment may seem like an act of arrogance, even if the compliment is authentic. They may feel uncomfortable when praised, as it goes against the social expectation of modesty and self-effacement. In such environments, the act of deflecting a compliment or downplaying one’s achievements becomes a way to adhere to cultural norms, ensuring that they do not appear overly proud or self-centered.
For example, a person might respond to a compliment about their work with, "Oh, it was nothing," or shift the praise to someone else. While this response is often rooted in a desire to remain humble, it can also hinder connection, as it prevents the person from fully receiving the appreciation being offered. Learning to accept compliments in a way that balances humility with self-acknowledgment can be a valuable skill, allowing individuals to appreciate themselves without overinflating their sense of self-importance. In these cases, the key is finding a way to express gratitude without feeling like one is violating social expectations, making it possible to accept praise in a humble, gracious manner.
Past Experiences: Negative experiences, such as insincere compliments or criticism, can make people wary of genuine praise. When someone has been given compliments that were either exaggerated or given with ulterior motives—like trying to manipulate or gain favor—they may develop a sense of skepticism toward future compliments. This can lead to a feeling of distrust, where the individual questions the sincerity of any praise they receive, even when it is well-intentioned. For example, if a person was frequently complimented on their work but later found out that the praise was used to manipulate them into doing extra tasks, they might become hesitant to accept compliments in the future. Similarly, past criticism, especially if it was harsh or unfair, can leave a person feeling vulnerable and defensive. When a compliment is offered, they may question whether it's honestly earned or if it's just a way to cover up a hidden critique. Over time, these negative experiences can shape how someone receives compliments, causing them to dismiss or downplay praise in order to protect themselves from potential hurt. This wariness can also lead to an emotional wall, where the individual becomes overly cautious about how they react to compliments, unsure of whether they can trust the intentions behind them. To overcome this, it may take time and positive reinforcement from others to rebuild trust in compliments and allow the individual to see them as authentic rather than a potential prelude to something harmful.
Conclusion
Compliments are more than just words—they reflect our ability to notice and appreciate the good in others. Whether they are given spontaneously, thoughtfully crafted, or accepted with gratitude, compliments can leave a lasting impression. They highlight the balance between humility and confidence, showing us how sincerity and timing shape their impact. By understanding compliments, such as when to offer them, how to accept them, and how to avoid fishing for them, we deepen our awareness of how meaningful communication helps build connections with those around us.
When we practice both giving and receiving compliments genuinely, we create an environment where respect and appreciation thrive. Compliments, when heartfelt, have the power to strengthen relationships and boost confidence. They remind us of our value, while also showing others that their positive qualities and efforts are recognized. Valid compliments lift spirits and serve as reminders of the beauty one brings to the world. In this simple exchange of positive words, we foster a culture of kindness, where every gesture of praise is a way to build trust and a foundation for stronger bonds.
Proverbs 27:2
"Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips."
What are your thoughts on compliments? Do you find them easy to give or receive? Do you have any favorites? Get in touch, I would love to read your thoughts!
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